the official joke thread

[Simon Pieman]

A pony walks into a pub and asks for a pint of lager

"Pardon?" says the barman "I can't hear you"

"I'll have a pint of lager please" the pony says, this time a little louder.

Once again the barman does not hear "you'll have to talk up 'cos I can't hear you!"

"Sorry" says the pony, "I'm a little hoarse"

[JPC82]

i was playing golf the other day, launched the ball down the fairway and i heard a scream, to my horror i had hit a lady, i ran to the club house and asked if there was a doctor about, a man stepped forward and said he was a doctor, i explained i had hit a lady when i played my shot, 'where did u hit her' he asked, i replied 'between the 1st and 2nd hole' Doctor said 'Not much room for a plaster then'

[donkey]

I saw a dead baby ghost on the road this morning when I went to get the newspaper.





It may have been a hankerchief.

[Samdy Gray]

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 999. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[dell boy]

Tommy Cooper Classics...


I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?

[donkey]

Man goes to visit the doctor and the doctor says 'You need to stop wanking.'

'Why?' said the man

'Because', said the doctor, 'I'm trying to examine you.'