Peter Venkman
Past glories motivate us when times are bleak.
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Posts: 64622
Perfection is not attainable
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« Reply #660 on: Thursday, January 9, 2014, 17:25:59 » |
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My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.
Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.
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From the station at Colchester
To the cells of Warrington
From the services at Leicester
To the slums of Northampton
We travel over England
And one day Europe too
Cos we all follow the Swindon
We're the famous Town End crew.
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Family at War
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Posts: 536
Midfield Maestro
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« Reply #661 on: Friday, January 17, 2014, 13:54:52 » |
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My mate sent me a text last night all it said was A N B G - I said that's BANG out of order.
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Peter Venkman
Past glories motivate us when times are bleak.
Offline
Posts: 64622
Perfection is not attainable
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« Reply #662 on: Friday, January 17, 2014, 13:58:38 » |
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Having watched Benefits street, it's not much different to Sesame Street.
Both have a big bird, a bloke living out of a bin, and people trying to learn the alphabet.
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From the station at Colchester
To the cells of Warrington
From the services at Leicester
To the slums of Northampton
We travel over England
And one day Europe too
Cos we all follow the Swindon
We're the famous Town End crew.
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Bewster
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Posts: 4004
We fucking love you Gumbo!
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« Reply #663 on: Wednesday, January 22, 2014, 23:19:37 » |
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Juan Mata arrested for doing a u turn on the M6
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jutty274
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Posts: 1863
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« Reply #664 on: Thursday, January 23, 2014, 16:36:04 » |
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Juan Mata has failed his medical because he is out of his mind.
Juan Mata has handed in a transfer request, at Man.Utd
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ChinaWhitenRed
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Posts: 148
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« Reply #665 on: Saturday, February 1, 2014, 20:07:11 » |
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A English ventriloquist visiting Wales is walking in the country side and sees a local farmer sitting on a log patting his dog.
He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to a local ,
'Good day, mind if I talk to your dog?
'Farmer: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English twat.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doing all right.'
Farmer: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this farmer your owner?' (pointing at the farmer)
Dog: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Farmer: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Farmer: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool'
Farmer: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the farmer)
Horse: 'Yep'
Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements..'
Farmer: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'
Farmer: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a fucking liar
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Change must come through the barrel of a gun
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Peter Venkman
Past glories motivate us when times are bleak.
Offline
Posts: 64622
Perfection is not attainable
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« Reply #666 on: Wednesday, February 12, 2014, 10:25:36 » |
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A soft drinks factory has suffered a major leak, flooding a nearby village with thousands of litres of lemonade.
Reports suggest dozens of people have been schwepped away.
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From the station at Colchester
To the cells of Warrington
From the services at Leicester
To the slums of Northampton
We travel over England
And one day Europe too
Cos we all follow the Swindon
We're the famous Town End crew.
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Saxondale
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Posts: 6481
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« Reply #667 on: Thursday, February 13, 2014, 15:08:25 » |
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I feared my wife had Tourette's, so
I took her to see a psychiatrist.
The good news? She's not got it.
The bad news? I am a cunt and she
does want me to fuck off.
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Never knowingly overstated.
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Peter Venkman
Past glories motivate us when times are bleak.
Offline
Posts: 64622
Perfection is not attainable
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« Reply #668 on: Thursday, February 13, 2014, 15:18:36 » |
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
I wouldn't pay £200 to have a lentil on my face.
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From the station at Colchester
To the cells of Warrington
From the services at Leicester
To the slums of Northampton
We travel over England
And one day Europe too
Cos we all follow the Swindon
We're the famous Town End crew.
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Saxondale
Offline
Posts: 6481
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« Reply #669 on: Friday, February 14, 2014, 13:20:19 » |
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Two DJ's walking down the road.
One says to the other - 'do you fancy going to the cinema?'
The other replies - 'Who's the projectionist?'
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Never knowingly overstated.
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walcot red
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Posts: 1549
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« Reply #670 on: Thursday, February 27, 2014, 09:44:54 » |
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So I walk into a jewellery shop, and I say Au got any gold?
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fuzzy
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Posts: 1480
A Bastard apparently
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« Reply #671 on: Friday, March 7, 2014, 09:44:57 » |
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A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
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Peter Venkman
Past glories motivate us when times are bleak.
Offline
Posts: 64622
Perfection is not attainable
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« Reply #672 on: Friday, March 7, 2014, 09:53:19 » |
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Over the past week, I've burgled ten houses in Liverpool.
It feels great to get my stuff back.
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From the station at Colchester
To the cells of Warrington
From the services at Leicester
To the slums of Northampton
We travel over England
And one day Europe too
Cos we all follow the Swindon
We're the famous Town End crew.
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Honkytonk
Offline
Posts: 4476
Whoo Whoo!
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« Reply #673 on: Friday, March 7, 2014, 10:50:04 » |
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A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
Suddenly Pistorious' actions make a lot more sense. |
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Saxondale
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Posts: 6481
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« Reply #674 on: Thursday, May 15, 2014, 12:54:44 » |
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Q: What was Whitney Houston's favourite
kind of co-ordination?
A: Haaaannnnd eeeyyyeeee
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Never knowingly overstated.
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