Thetownend.com

Eric & Tim are having gay sex.

"I have aids" says Eric, "What" says Tim.

"I don't really" says Eric, "I just like the way your arse tightens when I say it"!

My dad sent me that  :|

paddy and murphy reading headstones near a church, murphy says 'fuck me, there a bloke here who is 152!' paddy says 'what was him name?' murphy replied 'miles from london!'

 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

What's red and screams?












































A peeled baby in a bag of salt...........................................................

What do you get if you put a baby in a blender?

An erection

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking a stroll down his local high street.
 
As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye."Just Released: New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now!"
 
Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."
 
"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."
 
The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.
 
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."
 
"I'm sorry sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."
 
The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.
 
Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those!"
 
"I'm terribly sorry, sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."
 
Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make steps back into the booth.
 
Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated. "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on this LP."
 
"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant. "I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

Fucking hell!

And I spent 30 seconds of my life reading it!....................................... :-))(

What do you get if Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder play tennis?


Endless Love.

No one said it had to be good jokes  :D

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.

"What's the moral of that story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next, little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are Farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'."

"That was a fine story Sarah." said the teacher. Michael, do you have a story to share?" asked the teacher.

"Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the f**k away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking"

What should you do if you've just had a baby?




Wipe the blood off your dick................

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f***ing blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Wrong.  :shake:

Sorry :oops:

Birdy for Moderator! :toppost:

Is the female to male gender reassignment operation called a strapadichtomy?

Bloke walks into a mill in Accrington.

"Does Fred still work here?"

"Yep, but you just missed him, he's gone to fetch some cotton"

"No worries I'll come back tomorrow"

Next day the bloke wanders into the mill again

"Is Fred around ?"

"You've just missed him again, he's gone to fetch more cotton"

"Oh bugger, I'll try again next week"

Next week  he's in there again

"Fred ?"

"Sorry pal, he died last Wednesday, they buried him in the cemetery at the top of the road"

"Bloody hell, I'll go and pay my respects"

Up at the cemetry he found Fred'd headstone which read
       
Fred's Gone...........................................but not for cotton.


Be gentle with me (1st post)

:D

Good one!

How's life after Steps?

 :goodpost:

 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :oops:

Here are some Tommy Cooper gags:

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'. I said, 'I'd like to stay here' She said, 'Ok. Stay there'.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? ' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.

 8)

Its a struggle but my at least my arse has got better.  :shock:

Classic Cooper

 :D

I loved Tommy Cooper.

He was brilliant and not once did he die on stage.

Well, just the once.............................

 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

haha

You can say what you like about Stevie Wonder, but you've got to hand it to him.....................................

Why is stevie Wonder so fucking happy?



















He thinks he's white.

Whats red and taps on glass???




Baby in a microwave

whats red and sits in the corner?



baby chewing a razorblade

What's funnier than a dead baby?





A dead baby wearing a clown suit.

I'm not sure I like these baby jokes.

 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

hmmm, there is a more offensive version of that joke...

What's funnier than a dead baby?





A dead baby with Downs Syndrome.


Sorry.

yeah the clown one is better  :?

These baby jokes.......can someone explain why exactly they are funny??
I think they are pretty wrong and thats about it...

 :goodpost:

I think you have to be able to distinguish between shock imagery and event.

don't be so fucking touchy. everyone is different, and a sense of humour is subjective.

What's worse than 10 dead babies in a bucket?








1 dead baby in 10 buckets.

I don't believe you do......I was thinking more along the lines of you should be able to distinguish between good and bad taste....and these baby jokes are simply sick.

Anyone who finds them funny has serious problems and I advise them to seek help from a psychiatrist.

its not funny, it's not clever......grow up

Well I would say I have a very good sense of humour but I don't like the baby jokes.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?







Russell

:mrgreen:

Baby jokes are just wrong. End of. Sick. Theres a line with some jokes and they cross it.  :x

How do you know when your sister is on ?






















Because your dads cock tastes funny

Apologies in advance

[very tastless joke] What's the difference between a Mercedes and a ties up eight year old girl?








I don't have a Mercedes in my garage[/very tasteless joke]

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs swimming the channel?





Clever dick

Oh Fred, Fred, Fred. Some day we shall meet.








What a fine time we will have, you bad man :advercool:

Same here but each to their own i suppose

I'm not saying that Bens family is into incest, but when he was fucking his sister and she said: 'You're not as good as Dad', he said: 'Yeah, that's what Mum says'.

all kinds of quote problems there... meh.

If he loses his dick, then his name is bob  :oops:

If you want to be like that then thats your perogative....
If you find sick baby jokes funny then you have a serious problem and in my view people like you deserve to be hung and shot with a shotgun to the face to be sure because you make our world a worse place to live.

For the record I had a baby that died when he was just 4 days old....so I don't appreciate the so called 'humour' so go fuck yourself you immature little fuck!

The bad taste bit is sort of the point? I think you've just instilled in me a love of dead baby jokes that I thought I'd lost.

As for having serious problems and needing help from a psychiatrist you might have a point, I don't however think that these stem from finding dead baby jokes amusing.

I ain't growing up either. I'm like a drunk peter pan.


Anyhoo...

What's worse than ten dead baby's in a big pile of rotting baby flesh?






Nine dead baby's in a big pile of rotting baby flesh with one alive baby trying to eat it's way out.

To be fair, all humour offends someone. Or do you not laugh at anything that could be offensive to anyone else?

Ben.

You are a sick fucker.

Got anymore? :D

Nah I think I'm done. I hadn't read sharky's previous post when I posted it. I agree with what you said though. All humour offends someone, doesn't mean that we shouldn't have jokes.

I know what your trying to say.....but you wouldn't walk up to a man with one arm and tell a sick one armed man joke to him would you (well some on here seem like they might) so I wanted to make the point that there are people on here that do take offense to these kind of jokes and I'd appreciate it if they left off them......there are plenty of other jokes!

Did you just make that one up Benjamin ?

Crazy days !

I dont agree with that hertha mate.No one ever makes jokes about cancer  because its not funny and people in some way have or are likely to be affected by it some day.In the same way a joke about babys is not funny at all.All this is just my opinion though obviously

Sharkt sorry to hear about your loss although i would suggest you just dont read this thread anymore

 :goodpost:

I bet you loads of people have!

People do make jokes about cancer - like the opening half hour of Ricky Gervais' recent set, there's been plenety of 'racist' jokes on this thread, and for all we know any one of us could be black.  All humour offends someone, admittedly most of these jokes are sick, but on a footy forum like this if you're easily offended avoid joke threads especially.  There are very few jokes out there that don't point fun at someone.

i dont doubt that i just mean on this forum

Nah, part of the terms and conditions when you sign up, asks if you are over 13 years of age and that you're not black.

[attempt to revive humour]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

She's Such A Bitch.......

[/attempt to revive humour]

Before you take the moral high road, consider that  someone who had lost a loved one through alcoholism may not find your 'robbo's gin' avatar in the best of taste.

without wanting to get involved really but Sharky's previous avatar was more offensive than robbo's gin bottle

And Robbo was a vodka drinker anyway.........

keep your fucking nose out

Why has Robbo killed someone due to drinking???
and for the record if I found that someone on here found it offensive I would happily change it.
(cue the requests for it to be changed)

Anyway, I'm bored of this immature 'I think i'm funny' crap, so i'm simply taking tha advice to ignore this thread.

FYI - part of the terms and conditions state:
You agree not to post any obscene, vulgar, sexually-oriented material (amonst other things).

Anyway....I like a joke as much as the next person and sometimes at peoples expense (as bad as I agree that is) but sometimes I accept it goes over the line and you stop......people on here don't even know how to draw a line, let alone when not to cross it.

Difficult topic really - I have a disabled wife and severely mentally handicapped daughter - my wife and I joke all the time about her disability and between ourselves I call her my "spaso wife", and to us it is not a problem. Equally we joke about our daughter who is nearly 18, but then again she only functions at about 18months and is unable to be offended in any way.

However, if anyone else jokes about either scenario then yes we do take offence unless they are people we know well.

But if someone makes a joke without knowing my circumstances, then I never take offence, and depending on my own judgement will either laugh if I can see the humour or just stay quiet if it is too near a raw nerve for me. Also it is important to try to judge whether the joke was said deliberately to offend or not.

Some arsehole once told me in front of a bar full of people that I was only capable of producing handicapped kids, and thought he was hilarious, nobody laughed and I nearly decked the shit. Difference being that it was personal not general.

Over the years there have been jokes about just about every disaster, disease, handicap and race. Humour is often people's way of dealing with things that they cannot imagine having to deal with themselves.

Most people have areas that are "off limits" for humour. Learn to roll with it or pretty fast it will consume you.

 :shock:

Agree 100% Mav (Which is a first!)

STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a sensible post from Maverick.

Sharky, obviously i didn't know about your loss and would never have posted that stuff if i had. I point you towards this part of Maverick's post:



You're not the only one to lose a loved one - people deal with things if different ways. i prefer laughter to moping about.

Like I said, everyone is different.

WOW :shock:  Sorry herthab!!  :oops:

 :goodpost:

Maverick in good if slightly long post shocker.

but why wouldn't you have said the joke?

to quote Mav



i never knew his circumstances with my joke yet i don't regret saying them.

if people had to go through life tiptoeing around topics which might offend people we'd never speak to each other

 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

Fuck me I must be missing the adver forum more than I realised !!!!   :mrgreen:

I tried not to take offense at the first 5 or so un-funny baby jokes.....but not wanting have to avoid the jokes thread.....which it appears I may have ruined (sorry)....I wanted to point out that it DOES bother me, so you'd expect people to at least take that on board and stop....as opposed to swearing you down and continuing anyway!

Thanks for the comments Jayo, I know you didn't know, I just don't see how some people can be so calous and continue to go through with jokes like that having me explained my view.

Obviously as I stated before, this thread is not for me.  My apologies to those of you who were enjoying the sick jokes being posted.

Carry on...........   :emo:

without sounding funny Sharky, if you find it offensive WTF carry on reading this thread after 6 pages??? :nuts:

Lock

I had prepared a relatively long post which would have made pretty much the same point but you have been able to make it much better and eloquently because of your personal situation.

It says everything that needs to be said :clap:

I think that's a bit unfair. You didn't make it particularly clear that you found them offensive  and when you did we stopped. Before then you asked why they were funny and then accused us of needing psychiatric help. What sort of reaction were you expecting?

anyone for a massive group hug?

This thread was supposed to cheer people up on a Friday, not make them jump in the river!!!

Gay.

people stop having a go at people for having an opinion!! If we all had the same opinions we would be boring fucking cunts.  

Look what you've done, you've broken me now hope you are pleased with yourselves  :(

I think it's good. I have found it thought provoking. I like that.

Hey it is the weekend (almost) .. who needs cheering up anyway? At least until 4.45 tomorrow!!  8)

 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

:suicide:

I don't think there are any boundaries to comedy, but going by this thread it seems dead/abused children is the new 'look at me, I'm so controversial' joke.  The same as when just about everyone on here decided to put the word darkie into half of their posts.  Alright, it might have been funny the first time, but by the 10,000th it had kind of lost it's edge.  In the same way I laughed when I first heard 'what's the best thing about shagging twenty seven year olds?', continual jokes about the same subject cease to be 'edgy' or 'close to the bone' and just make you look like a mong who likes sick jokes.


A couple of months back a friend of mine nearly died in a car crash, and a mate and I found out that he was in intensive care.  A little while later when I asked my mate if he thought we should visit the lad in hospital, he said 'I don't know', then 30 seconds later, 'yeah, fuck it, he owes me a twenty' :D

It's no coincidence in my opinion, that some of the richest humour of the 20th Century has come from Jewish comedians - arguably the most hard-done-by group of people of the last thousand years. They have found humour in the blackest of situation and it's all the funnier for it.

As Maverick illustrated so eloquently, there is a world of difference between a personal insult and a joke

What's black and white and can't go in lifts?


A nun with a javelin through her head.

Israel's gone bankrupt.




Germany's sent them the gas bill...........................................

Hey !

My mum was a Nun and my Dad was a Javelin thrower

Thats fucking out of order !

Pfffft :?  dead/abused kids were doing the rounds when I was at school or Reg even :shock:  It's nothing new :shrug:

The first baby joke on this thread was told to me when I was at junior school, about 30 years ago.

Sad that my humour has remained as childish as then..............................

Trust me it goes back even further .... I remember them from way back in the mid 60's .. as well as jokes like "what's black and goes to school ...... the Aberfan coal tip".

The one's I told were all one's I learnt as a kid, although I decided to make the last one a bit descriptive. I still like to hang around school's though so in a way it was still fresh in my mind.

 :shock:

You see, to me, in a very simplistic way, that is funny. I've read more books about the Holocaust than Bob Holt could shake a stick at and have been suitably shocked, humbled and generally gobsmacked at what man is capable of doing to his fellow man. But that is still funny!

You ought to read 'If This Is Man' written by Primo Levi, about his experiences in Auschwitz as a jewish prisoner.

A surprisingly uplifting book.

I wasn't implying the jokes were new.  Your opinion means fuck all anyway, you didn't get barry :P

I've heard of that one but I've not read it yet. I will do though.

Too fucking right I don't get Barry. Still, none of us are perfect :D

It's a very good book. As well as depicting the brutality around him, he also tries to convey to the reader how the prisoners retained their humanity. It's one of the best books I've ever read.

That is a very interesting book, I read it at the same sort of time as A Day In The Life of Ivan Denisovich which is about the Russian gulags.  I also read The Journey(?) by Primo Levi about his getting home after the Russians turned up.  I think it took him about two years.

Strangely some on the far-right have used If This Is A Man to supposedly show that Jews are sub-human.

Fuck knows how.

They appear a lot more human than the Nazis....................

My guess would be the way they treated each other at times, so that they could survive themselves.


And back to the jokes....... :soapy tit wank:

Thats a coincidence Steve I first heard your baby joke when I was about 10 or 11...you werent at Gorse Hill Juniors then too were you? Lick my Arse Orifice  :soapy tit wank:

No mate. I heard the following at the same time.

I hear Airey Neve was on the radio the other day.

He was also on the windscreen, the dashboard, the steering wheel, the gear stick, etc, etc.

One for the oldies!

Or did you know they found Donald Campbell's body?

It came out of a tap in Manchester.

 :D  :D

What do you throw an epileptic who is having a fit in the bath.?


























Your washing.... :D

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Not bad Ultra

Thank You Kind Sir.

What do you call 100 nuns in a shop?



Virgin Megastore

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree ?



Hold on to your nuts... this is no ordinary blow job.

I still chuckle over your "what's the first sign of madness ?" joke Villarge

Suggs walking down your path ?

thats the one Cliff

 :D

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

jewellery, my dear. jewellery.”

A blonde goes into the dry-cleaners to have her top cleaned.

She asks the bloke behind the counter" How Much ?"

He doesn't hear her correctly and says "Come again ?"

She giggles and says" No ... it's just mayonnaise this time "

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

Not bad for an old'un Cliff

A deaf mute walks into a chemist to buy some condoms but there are none on the shelf.
Frustrated at this, the deaf mute unzips his pants and flops his cock on the counter and puts a £5 note next to it.
The chemist does the same, picks up the two £5 notes and puts them in his pocket.
Annoyed, the deaf mute begins to curse wildly in sign language.
"look" says the chemist in a broad irish accent.."if you cant afford to loose...you shouldnt fuckin gamble"

Its not Friday but sod it....

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?


Put it in the microwave until it's bill withers

What's the best best thing about little boys?












You can turn them over and pretend that they are little girls.

(sorry)

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Ha Ha Ha

I just took a leaflet out of my letterbox informing me that I can have sex at 75!

I'm so happy because I live at 67 so its not far to walk home afterwards

I was just looking out the window when I saw a cyclist in an oxford shirt get run over by a lorry. I thought to myself, "That could have been me."


I can drive a lorry.

A man sees a job advertised for an assistant to a gynaecologist...it involves stripping the patients shaving the pubic area ready for the doctors attention.
Salary is £80,000 per annum...the man asked the secretary at the agency if he could apply and any other info on the job...she says you will have to go to Inverness.....bloody hell says the man is that ware the job is situated?....to which she replies no.....thats where the queue starts for the application forms!

www.conjunctivitis.com - theres a site for sore eyes

God help Frankie Sandford if Wayne Bridge always struggles this badly on a Saturday.

What do you call an Irish woman with two cunts ??


Jedward's Mum.

Rick Astley asked me if he could borrow my pixar films.
I said "You can have Toy Story, Cars and finding Nemo, but I'm never gonna give you Up "

'I made a chicken salad the other day.
   He still hasn't thanked me'."

Q: Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic,
transvestite?
A: She just wanted to eat, drink and be Mary.

So obvious, but yet so funny.

I understand that Gary Glitter is buying a season ticket at Aston Villa - he's heard that next season the forward line will be Young, Bent & Keane!

Watching Avatar in 3D was like watching someone put a smurf on a stick and shove it in your face.

My cat just went out and caught a duck as it was flying past, now I have a duck filled fatty puss.

I see a man has been charged over Jo Yeates murder. Seems they finally found the missing pizza the puzzle.

A Yorkshireman is in deep mourning for his wife.....he tells the local stonemason to inscribe the line

SHE WAS THINE onto the memorial stone.
A few days later the sad Yorkshireman goes to pick up the stone....he looks at it and screams....you have missed out the E.....you have missed out the E....
SHE WAS THIN......he wasnt happy but the stonemason assured the Yorkshireman he would add the E within twenty four hours...and true to his word the next day the memorial stone was ready to pick up complete with the missing E.

E SHE WAS THIN.

My mate keeps insisting he isn't schizophrenic, i said " keep telling yourself that".

Saturday's game will have a female ref, kick off has been put back till 4pm so she can park her car properly.

On the train into Temple Meads this morning I got lucky and sat opposite a really attractive young Thai girl who always gets on at Bath.
As the journey went on, I couldnt take my eyes off her. I kept saying to myself "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection"


But she did.

What do Japanesse men do when they get an erection.


They Vote.

Man is telling his friend of a recent experience.

'I was walking along beside the railway line' he says, 'when I saw this girl tied to the track. Well, naturally I freed her and ended up having sex with her all night.'

'Did you get a blow job?' asks his friend.

'No' he says, 'I never did find the head.'

I went to the opticians the other day, they told me I was colour blind
That was a bolt out of the green I can tell you.


OR

A polish bloke goes to the opticians.
Optician told him to sit down and read the letters on the board.
Polish bloke says, 'read it, I know him'

I've managed to book a table for me and the missus on Valentines night.

It's bound to end in tears .........she's fucking hopless at snooker    :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

Haha Brilliant

I took the wife for an Italian Meal, when we arrived there was a fat Italian Woman in the door way

i Couldn't get pasta.

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to
look after her neighbours' house and male dog while they were
away on vacation. She had a large house, however, and believed
that she could keep them apart. But as she was drifting off to
sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in
obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens
when they mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next,
although it was late, she called her vet on his cell phone, who
answered in a very
grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said "Hang up the
phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you
back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his
erection and be able to withdraw."
Do you think that will work, she asked?
"It just worked for me", he replied!

How can you tell if your at a gay BBQ?

The sausages taste like shit.

I received a party invitation the other day and it said "dress to kill".



The beard, turban and backpack didn't go down very well....

Delivering to a farm today when i saw the local yokel stripping in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Peels of his red lumberjack shirt...revealing an old string vest and then pings back old braces....just before he is about to go further i cough....delivery i say...he looks embarrased and apologises.....sorry he says...me and the wife are having bedroom problems and the doctor reckons i should try looking sexy to a tractor :D

I've heard that before somewhere...Andy Zaltman isn't it? It certain sounds like on of his - well it mentions snooker and he often does.

Got caught having a wank while sniffing my mate's sister's knickers yesterday. Wouldn't have been so bad but she was still wearing them at the time. He went fucking ballistic!!....Made the rest of her funeral really awkward for both of us..!

Haha fucking ace nochee.

Bomb disposal is easy... It's just a ticking-box exercise.

All credit to Jacques_ahi on Twitter.

OI! What fucking day is this?

Oh come on. No one reads this forum in the evening. Now there is something there for anyone who has an early start on Friday.

A priest is checking into a hotel and says to the receptionist "I hope the pornography channel in my room is disabled."

And she replies "no, it's just regular porn, you sick bastard"

I can't wait till Elton John's kid discovers porn and realises sucking a cock isn't breastfeeding!!!

An elderly couple are sat eating breakfast when the wife turns to the husband and says "You know, my nipples feel hotter now than they did when I was 18!".

The husband replies "That's because one's in your tea and the other's in your porridge".

I was in my local shopping centre when some woman with a clipboard came up to me and said...

Im conducting a survey.......... Could I ask you....... What grooming aids do you use ?

Quick as a flash I answered......... A packet of Haribos and a Glee video

One more from me

Al qaeda TV

    Al qaeda's planned Television Guide (For when they take over)
    ------------------------

    6.00: G-Had TV.
    Morning prayers.

    8.30: Talitubbies.
    Talitubbies say "Eh-oh". Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher.

    9.00: Shouts of Praise.
    More prayers.

    10.00: The Apprentice.
    Ten young Muslims complete a variety of tasks each week - one of them will be recruited by prominent Islamist leader Muqtada al-Sadr into a top position in the Mahdi Army.

    11.00: Jihad's Army.
    The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion fail to repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.

    12.00: Ready, Steady, Jihad!
    Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.

    12.30: Panoramadan.
    The programme reports on america's attempts to take over the world.

    13.30: Xena.
    Modestly dressed housewife Xena stays at home and does some cooking.

    14.00: Only Fools and Camels.
    Dhal-Boy offloads some Chinese rocket launchers to Hamas.

    14.30: Green Peter.
    The total of Kalashnikovs bought by the milk bottle top appeal is revealed.

    15.00: Madrasah Challenge.
    Two more Islamic colleges meet. Bambah Kaskhain asks the questions. 'Starter for ten, no praying.'

    15.30: I Love 629.
    A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.

    16.00: Question Time.
    Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.

    16.30: Countdown.
    Can the american prisoners defuse the bomb in their cell before the timer runs down?

    17.00: Koranation Street.
    Deirdrie faces execution by stoning for adultery.

As Blackpool were recently fined £25,000 by the FA for fielding a weak team in one fixture earlier this season, it has been reported in the Adver today that Andrew Fitton has sent a cheque for £450,000 in to the Football League as part payment for the whole season

I bought a 2 litre bottle of tipp-ex the other day.

BIG mistake.

I took a dyslexic bird home last night.

 She ended up cooking my sock.

Doctor Im addicted to Twitter!

Sorry, I dont follow you.

Glass coffins. Will they ever catch on ?
Remains to be seen

an englishman, an irishman, a scotsman, a welshman, a german, a finn, a pole, a hungarian, a latvian, an australian, an american, a ugandan, a zimbabwean, a japanese, a russian and a spaniard all go to a nightclub.

bouncer stops them at the door and says, "sorry, i can't let you in without a Thai"

An Native american indian, a paki and a cowboy sat around a camp fire when the Indian says" There was once many of my kind now there are few" the Paki said" There once few of my kind now there are many". The cowboy takes a deep puff on his ciggerette and says" That's because we haven't started playing Cowboy's and Paki's yet".

:D

Seconded

I know its not Friday but

How many Tory MPs does it take to change a lightbulb?

In the Big Society, you'll sit in the dark until a member of the public changes it

That's ok. That wasn't a joke.

1. There's more than one way to skin a cat.

2. A cat has nine lives.

During an experiment to find out if number 1 is true, I proved that number 2 is false.

I turned to her, ran my hand up her thigh across her belly & down her legs. Then I turned back to watch TV she asks  me "Why did you stop?" "Found remote!" I replied.

My wife has just had our first child, after watching the birth I realised that sex with the missus is going to be like going back to the local after its been burnt to the ground.
You know it’s been rebuilt but its never quite going to be the same.

I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.

I said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from Scotland, aren't you?"

"Wales, you fucking idiot," one of them replied.

"Sorry," I said, "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?"

The midget fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

patient: Doctor, doctor, I think I need my ears syringed.

doctor: How come?

patient: Tried that, and used cotton buds as well.

"Doctor, doctor, I keep singing 'The Green Green Grass Of Home'."

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Tom Jones Syndrome? Is that common?"

"It's not unusual."

I bought Belinda Carlisle's car on ebay.  It's fucking awful - every now and then it falls apart.

I think you'll find that was Bonnie Tylers car. 

haha! I dont really like jokes,but I do like people getting jokes wrong so im pleased to have been bored enough to click on this thread.

Haha. Nice one Billy 8)

Ooh Billy, do you know what that's worth!?

After months of depression the wife and I decided to end it all my commiting suicide. However, after she killed herself I strangely felt a lot better so thought "fuck it.....I'll soldier on".

Just for Fred:

What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce patch?

A seizure salad...

 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick: :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick: :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick: :D

Sweeties

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street .

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

I'll get my coat. 

Man goes into a posh bar and sits next to a stunning woman.
She gives him the eye but he keeps looking at his watch...and tapping it.
A bit put out she asks why he keeps looking at his watch.
Well he said,i have just bought myself a brand new telepathic watch.
Smugly he says...my watch reckons your not wearing any knickers under that little red dress of yours.
She laughs...well the fact is i am wearing knickers.
The man taps his watch and sighs...oh well,it must be an hour fast.

[url width=541 height=2157]http://www.sfwchan.com/pics/51686044.jpg[/url]

What have plymouth argyle got in common with a stick of celery?

They're both green and pointless

would it be insensitive to call what's going on in libya karma?

I mean, they did try to kill Doc Brown in back to the future

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?

I bid £6 for a clown outfit and now I'm 20 minutes away from owning Oxford United!

Why isn't there any asprin in the jungle?

Because its not commercialy viable to sell pharmaceutical drugs in a sparsely populated rainforest.

That would've sounded so much better had you said cowboy outfit :)

Women fucking drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left!

How am I supposed to prepare myself with these fucking mind games?

That's some pretty big shoes to fill JJ

I thought it was because the parrotsetemal.

 :clap:

What’s blue and doesn’t fit?

A dead epileptic

I was on the bus, reading a paper, sat in the disabled seat. I looked up to find a few passengers looking at me in disgust.

I said, "What's the problem? There aren't any disabled people on board."

An irate man said, "Look mate, we've been sat here for half an hour. Do your job and drive the fucking bus."

"Cameron Doesn't Rule Out Military Force for Libya"

He just needs to get the invoices checked out first, and make sure that we never sold them any of the good stuff.

Its nearly Friday so.....

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if i'd like to wind it....
I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead

according to statistics 1 in 100 of us live next door to a convicted paedophile. Not me though, I live next door to two stunning 14 year olds.

I went to a premature ejaculation support group the other day, but there was no one there.

I must have come too early.

Heres a few i got sent


*******************************************************************

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing
soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball
and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

*************************************************

My grandad said "it's going to be a nightmare this winter with this flu outbreak"
I said "tell me something I don't know"
grandad replied "ok, your Grans arse can take my whole fist"

******************************************************

A nun who went to the docter complainin of feeling sick, was told she was pregnant. totally dumbfounded at the news, the next day she stormed into the monastry where the monks lived and shouted "right which one of you dirty bastards has been wanking over the candles?!"

***********************************************

Difference between a voyeur and a timepiece theif?

one snatches watches...

So, I finally got around to seeing the new Karate Kid, and was really pleased to find out that it was the story all about how Jaden Smith's life got flipped turned upside down.

You see, he was chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool, shooting some b-ball outside of his school, when a couple of guys (who were up to no good) started making trouble in his neighbourhood.He got in one little fight and his mom got scared! And said "You're going to learn kung-fu from the maintenance man downstairs."

quality.

On behalf of my fellow germans i would like to protest against other countries believing we have no sense of humor. We germans have a long tradition of comedic jokes and i choose to share some of my favourites;

Why did the Czech tourist cross the road?
Because he was impressed by the frankly excellent crossing facilities on major German routeways, compared to the relatively poor facilities constructed by his own Czech government.

How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one. It is a simple lightbulb, not an advanced 'home computer'.

Knock Knock
Who is there please?
Boo
I do not know anyone by that name. Unless you mean to startle me with the word 'boo', in which case you are quite unsuccessful. I see no need to open my door in either case.

Doctor Doctor! I think I've broken my leg!
Yes, I'm afraid it's a terrible break, the chances are you'll never walk again.

Why can't women leave the kitchen to empty the bins out?
They can, providing that they are familiar with the efficient German rubbish sorting guidelines. There are separate collections for green glass, white glass and brown glass. Recycling rubbish goes in yellow bags that are collected by yellow trucks, newspapers go in cardboard boxes that are collected by gray vehicles, other rubbish is collected every two weeks by various private firms.

My bank manager just called to say I have an outstanding balance. I said thank you very much and may I say you have a lovely smile.

Not a joke as such but something to make you grin on a Friday afternoon....

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/chelsea/8359909/Test-your-shooting-in-skills-in-Ashley-Cole-inspired-video-game-Cole-of-Duty.html

Here's the game

http://www.coleofduty.com/

I had sex with an ohmless person last night.

There was very little resistance.

I'm giving up spell check for Lant.

Paul Hart

Two Mexicans are lost in the desert.  They are starving, and near death.

Jose says to Pedro: Over there!  A Bacon Tree!

Pedro:  You are seeing a mirage - there is no such thing as a Bacon Tree.  We are doomed and we will die soon.

Jose:  No - its definitely a Bacon Tree!

Pedro:  OK - if you insist on this, I will sit here, as I am too tired.  You go and see if it is a mirage or a Bacon Tree.  If it i a Bacon Tree, wave me over.



Jose goes off to the Bacon Tree.  A few minutes later he comes running back, covered in blood and followed by angry soldiers, screaming:

Pedro, it is not a Bacon Tree, it is a hambush!

I had to sack my cleaner, it took her all day to hoover one room.....

she was a Slovak

Did you have to Czech on her ?

I'm think about going on Dragons Den with a belting idea. Its a land mine shaped as a prayer mat.

Sorry - I'll get  my coat. :no:

Shouldn't that be your cloak?

My mate keeps drinking brake fluid,i think he is addicted to it yet he is adamant that he can stop whenever he feels the need.

woman answers phone & a pervert breathes, "have you got a tight hairy cunt"? woman says yes he's on the sofa do you want to speak to him?

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

How much coke has Charlie Sheen done? .....enough to kill two and a half men

A man was arrested in Swindon centre today....the public was horrified as he wanked into a copy of the Beano.
A police spokesman  announced the man had indicated he was doing his bit for comic relief.

I see Fulham have unveiled a statue of Michael Jackson outside their ground.

Surely the Swiss club Young Boys FC would have been more appropriate?

Went to the hospital today to get a dangerous mole removed from my pecker.
The RSPCA were called in but i was let off with a warning.

I saw on the news that a French fighter jet has brought down a Libyan fighter jet.

That must have been one powerful distress flare.

There was a cruise ship that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small deserted island.There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl. They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.

After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing. So...

They buried her.

 How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?

 One, but you have to throw it really hard.

how do you make a baby cry twice?
cum on the teddy bear after you have finished raping it

i read in a magazine this morning that apparently dogs have an inbuilt sixth-sense that allows them to pick up early vibrations of an earthquake, and can warn their owners up to two hours of an impending quake.

that'll teach the Japs not to eat the fuckers first then...........

I took this personality test on the internet, and it said... "Describe yourself in one word."

I answered, "Not good at following instructions."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself. No 'fence.
Nun taken.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I was little, we used to play a game called "knock and run" where you knock on someone's door and run away before they answered.
Nowadays, it's known as "Parcelforce"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some woman at my hotel told me I speak 'too posh'.
With which I ravaged the plebeian filly.

Is that meant to be a joke,sure jokes are meant to make you laugh.....not wince.

Wish you hadn't quoted it leefer tried ignoring that.

 Sorted Dean :D

Cheers  :nod:

A bloke got a phone call from the police saying " your house has been broken into, they've drunk your stella and raped your wife", he said i cant believe they've fucked the wife  after only 5 cans!!!

BBC News: Police find 16 lambs crammed into 2 cars on M5

Police spokesman said they believe they have cracked a welsh sex trafficking ring

Wales…. The only country where you can get a delicious hotpot, a smashing jumper and a decent shag….. All from the same animal.

You shouldn't trust Dannii Minogue.
Her ii's are too close together

Q: Who waves a blue and white scarf and sings
with Miami Sound Machine?
A: Gloria Leicesterfan.

My new neighbour is half-American and half-Iraqi.
He's his own worst enemy

I used to do a bad impression of Eric Morecambe,
but now I've seen the error of my waheys.

My mother always taught me to make little things
count. So now I teach maths to dwarfs.

Didn't help myself in court yesterday. I was
arrested for child porn charges and the Judge
said, "How does 5-6 years sound?"
I said, "Sexy."

Me and the Mrs went to a restaurant last
night but it was ruined when the other
diners started calling me cradle snatcher.

All because I'm 52 and she's 21...
It totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

Boy picks up the phone to which a voice on the other end says

"Hello son it's your dad. Where's your mum?"

The boy replies "in bed"

The father says "in bed? It's 3 o'clock in the afternoon who's she in bed with?"

The boy replies "Uncle johnny"

The father says "right, I want you to shout upstairs and tell your mum I'll be home in 5 minutes"

The boy shouts out "Mum, dad says he'll be home in 5 minutes"

The father listens and can hear an almighty commotion and asked the boy what happenned

The boy replied "Well as soon as I shouted up uncle johnny jumped out of the bed, ran into the back bedroom, jumped out of the window, banged his head on the floor, rolled into the swimming pool and drowned. I think he's dead.

The father swiftly replies "swimming Pool? what blOody swimming pool? Is this 01335 766277?

Man in bed with his wife and she turns to him and says "what would you like to do to my body ??

He replies - " identify it"

BREAKING NEWS:-

Plans to make the new T.V series, C.S.I Oxford have been scrapped after producers discovered no one has any dental records and everyone has the same DNA!!

"Dad, can I ask you a question?"



"Of course you can son."



..."It's a bit awkward dad."



"No problem, fire away."









"Why is your penis in the vacuum..?

Its not exactly a joke as such but me and the missus drove past this signearlier in Edinburgh, I think it says it all!

[url width=640 height=480]http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g171/jjedmunds/246704_2077893475160_1479690085_32340018_8020160_n.jpg[/url]

I know it isn't Friday but....


I told my girlfriend that I suffer from premature ejaculation

Luckily for me she took it on the chin

Fifa 12 achievement- Score with Fernando Torres.

Also get Charlie Austin through a season without injury.

Shame players cant pick up drug addictions, that would be skill.

Charlie Austin will be out for 4-6 weeks after getting coked off his nut.

Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?

Max Factor should make condoms.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

At the regular Sunday morning service, Father George announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.

Costa, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims "If Father George stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Dimitri, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If Father George will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause

Maria, age 68, stands and announces with a smile, "If Father George stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

Father George, blushing, asks her: "Maria, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Maria’s 70-year old husband, Vasillis, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied,

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: Fuck him!

A plane is on the way to Toronto when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
 
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this; I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde." he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear and she says, "oh, I’m sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
 
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her, "first class isn't going to Toronto” 

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

F1 NEWS :


    Scousers Join Ferrari.



    "The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

    This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

    The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

    It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

    However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

    At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

I've just renamed my WiFi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02".

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

Ha

I might actually try that

That's terrific. There is a Wi-Fi on my street tastefully called "Fuck off cunts" but this is a touch more subtle.

I'm sure there's a few Non-Thai's in my apartment on dodgy passports & visas.

Think I'll make them think immigration are snooping around.

Anyway, I was feeling a bit down this morning, so I decided to dip one of my Asian friends in Bleach.

That soon lightened up Mahmood.

how do you change wifi name? i wanna change mine

A dad was walking with little girl when they see a dead dog on its back with it's feet in the air, the little girl asks "why the dog was lead like this?" the dad replied that it was so Jesus could come down and take it to heaven easily. The little girls started to cry and the dad asked why she was crying, the girl said that they nearly lost her mum that morning, as she was lead like the dog shouting " Jesus yes Jesus i'm coming" but luckily the bin man was there to hold her down.

If you're gonna copy and paste anything, you're supposed to paste the whole thing, innit!

Or was it just a crap joke?

Haha! Was there to h! Priceless

When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.


And then I saw her face.

I typed it that was why it was messed up, but i put it right almost right away.

Almost Friday

I do a great impersonation of Imran
Khan's ex-wife.

"Jemima?".

No, I just do her voice.

A lorry carrying snooker equipment has shed it's load on the M4.


Expect long cues

you get that from the Iain Lee podcast?

Sickipedia probably.

Sergio Ramos has confirmed he will be moving to Arsenal this Summer to ensure he never drops a trophy again.

Battersea dogs home has filed for bankruptcy, their going to have to get the retrievers in!

I have started a line of 3/4 length clothes for black babies.

They are called knee grows.

Not friday but hey,    Was chopping some herbs last night and got some in my eye went to the docs today and he said I'm now Parsley sighted


Groan  :bye:

<geek joke>There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't</geek joke>

Did you hear about the midget boxing match the other night?

I wouldn't get too excited, it was a pretty short fight.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant replied, "Are you Irish?"

The man, clearly offended, said, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant replied, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The man said, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why
did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

A bloke tries chatting up an attractive nun on the bus, but she totally ignores him.After she gets off, the bus conductor comes over."You were wasting you time with her" he says. "She says that she's saving herself for the holy ghost and she spends every night in the churchyard, waiting for him to come to her."That night, just before midnight, the nun is in the churchyard, when a figure in a white sheet comes floating towards her crying "I'm the holy ghost and i've come for you." The nun turns around, bends over a gravestone and the ghost gives her a fucking good pounding from behind.As she turns back around, the ghost whips off the sheet... "Surprise!!!!, it's the bloke off the bus!"The nun whips off her habit... "Surprise!!!!!!, it's the bus conductor!"

A drunken elderly man walks into a rough biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking babe!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma boy and she is real good, the best lay I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says... "Grandpa, Go home, you're drunk."

What's blue and can't sing?

Blue.

What's Blue and doesn't fit?

A Dead Epaletic.

The man who invented Chinese Whispers has died.

Pass it on.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.

At first I was afraid.............then I was petrified.

Some people in Africa go weeks without water.

Well out of order

My Mrs is the queen of multi tasking. I can be lying on the sofa whilst she's doing 3 things in the kitchen... She doesn't look happy. So I say you can make me a sandwich if you like - just to cheer her up.

This doesn't work in writing - say it out loud:

Whoopi Goldberg has announced she will be marrying Gerard Depardieu.  She will now be known as Whoopi Depardieu.

I entered a blind masturbating competition yesterday, Ive no idea where I came.

I was sat in the pub talking to my welsh mate about how many sexual partners we had had and he fell asleep counting his.

two pakistani women were talking in the corner shop when one of them said, i've only been in england six months and i can already speak polish

I had a right tasty bird in my motor last night, proper big tits, long legs and fishnet stockings with killer heels blowing me off like she was sucking porridge through a straw. Then all of a sudden she asked me to take her up the shit hole. "Fuck off" I said. "I aint driving to Oxford this time of night"

i saw a bloke moonwalking in the street the other day and he was really good , so i went over to commend him on his silky michael jackson skills. He said " fuck off smart arse , ive got dog-shit on my trainers".

Why doesn't Stephen Hawking need any friends?

Because he's always got his own shoulder to cry on.

My next-door neighbour called round last night and confronted me about washing that had gone missing from her line. 

I almost shit her pants.

i got a knock on the door from a policeman last night, he held up a photo of a woman & asked me if it was my wife, "yes it is" i answered, " im afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus" he said, "yes i know, but she's got a lovely personality"

A friend of mine is going to a reggae party this weekend and asked me to do their hair.

I'm dreading it.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods when the bear turns and says "Excuse me Mr Rabbit, but do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" the rabbit replies "no"... so the bear wipes his arse with the rabbit

Two couples on holiday, and husbands Paul and Dave decide to try and get their ladies to wife swap. Amazingly they agree but Paul knows his wife is on her time of month so he has got one up on Dave. They agree that at breakfast they'll tap the spoon on the table however many times they shagged the others missus. Next morning Paul grins and taps twice, looks across at Dave who smiles then taps once on the jam and three times on the Nutella.

A day early, but:


Six shots were fired in London last night. Thankfully all missed. Police are looking to question Nicklas Bendtner.

Once again, Apple have put in a lot of time and effort and come out with something even thinner and lighter than before.



Steve Jobs.

fucking hell! :)

10 best jokes of Edinburgh Fringe here, the winner was

"I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-14646532

Her satin smooth wrists strain against your strong hands.
Her hot breath glistens in the cold night air.
The lace of her knickers brushes against your thigh sending shivers up your spine.
Her passionate screams break the silence of a winters evening.
 
This isn't just rape.
This is M & S rape.

Q: Do you want to hear a joke about
constipation and dementia?

A: Well tough shit, I've forgotten it.

http://www.owlstalk.co.uk/forums/index.php?showtopic=154669

Taken off the Wednesday forum, :D :D

Not a joke as such but the headline made me laugh

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/sport/sport-headlines/qpr-stockpiling-gits-201108254237/

Schroedinger's cat walks into a bar ... and doesn't.

What do you call a Chinese man driving a plane?


A Pilot you racist's!

I was in a cab the other day and the driver said "I love my job, I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do"

I said "Left here mate"

An autopsy has revealed that the newly wed man who was eaten by a shark didn't suffer.

He was only married for 7 days.

:D Jimmy Carr?

Don't know.  It was just a text I received.

Fair enough. Sure I've heard it before, and it sounds a lot like one of his!

It is.

I think he might have done it at the Oasis?

But it is 100% one of Jimmy Carr's.

I have been married to my wife for 11 and a half years. Having sex with just one person for 11 and a half years is pure dedication.


I don't know how she does it.

"Dear, why are there broken condoms on our couch?"

"Dave...Would you please call our children by their names."

Those coloured chaps can run for miles with a plasma TV under their arms, but when they have to walk 5 miles to get water, its moan moan fkin moan

Those coloured chaps can run for miles with a plasma TV under their arms, but when they have to walk 5 miles to get water, its moan moan fkin moan


 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick: :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick: :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

I would 8 2 be an Arsenal supporter today.

Owen Hargreaves' move to Manchester City has broken down amid another injury scare.

He fell out of the transfer window. 

BBC News reports that Colonel Gaddafi has managed to slip into Jordan

Has that woman no shame ?

A little boy says to his mum "mummy is it wrong to have a willy?"His mum says "of course not, why would you ask that?"The boy replies "because dad is in the bathroom sweating like fuck trying to pull his one off!

Nearly friday so here goes, think a few are Jimmy Carrs


I was in McDonald's and this stunning young girl took my order.
"I can make it large for you for an extra 30p," she said sweetly.
"I'm afraid you already have," I replied, "but how about a wank for a pound?"


A team of Irish Commandos has been sent to Libya to take Gaddafi out.
So far he's been to the cinema twice and tomorrow they're taking him bowling.


My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class fondle him. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."


Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.



Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don't let your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.


100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

I've just watched the Simpsons and realised it's a load of b*llocks. Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?


Now he's dead, they're making a film of Eddie Stobart's life story. I've just seen the trailer.




I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt.



The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!



Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone. Girl replies, those are our opening times you idiot.



Today in an opinion poll I was asked 'If you could eliminate a race from the 2012 Olympics, which would it be?' Naturally I said ‘Arabs’ .........................................................Apparently most people said the 10,000 metres.



Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.


Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I said "Wave" they legged it!

When I was a kid people used to cover me in cream and put a cherry on my head.

It was tough growing up in the gateaux

As its Friday and its my first Friday back......




I bought an 6 inch inflatable Dr Who Tardis - It’s taken me 2 months to blow it up.




Handcuffs, Humiliation, Degradation. This isn't just any joke - This is an S & M joke.

I fainted in a curry house when I heard of REM's split.

That's me in the korma.

Cher Lloyd hasn't been seen much recently.  She must be busy defending her caravan from bailiffs at Dale Farm.

I had to read this twice before i got it. But that is very good.

:D

 
It took me a little but longer than that  :-[

(honestly, about 5 minutes, run Forest run).

An old riot one I just found on my phone:
Ngongo Mwambi has to walk 5 miles every day for fresh water and 7 miles for food ..........................
This is because the daft twat torched Peckham Spar and Tottenham KFC ...now he has to walk to Croydon for breakfast

Anal sex is like my first ever car....

I didn't want it but my uncle still gave it to me.

Oxford, where even Bear Grylls takes a brita filter.

Two Irishmen making a letter bomb
Paddy- Do you think I've put enough explosives in?
Mick- Dunno open it and see.
Paddy- But it will explode.
Mick - Don't be dumb Paddy it’s not addressed to you.

I saw a young woman breast feeding on the bus the other day. A nosy old cow got up and started shouting "How dare you do that in a public place, it's disgusting!"

In hindsight it probably wasn't the time and place to have a wank!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I said to my son, "Where you going?" He said, "I'm off to meet a girl." I said, "Don't forget to wear a... you know." He said, "What?" I said, "You know." He said, "Do you mean a condom?" I said,"No, a fucking hat you ginger cunt."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door
open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back,
I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every
day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pikey girl is getting advice from mother the night before her wedding.

''Your husband will want to put his very favorite thing where you wee'' she says.

After thinking a moment the girl replies,''why would he put his best tarmac rake in the sink?''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A teacher takes her class to a wildlife hospital, where they saw many different animals and birds. The next day, she asked them 'what animals did you see yesterday?'. Jane puts her hand up and says ' i saw an owl.' teacher says 'what do owls say' Jane says 'to witt to woo.' billy puts his hand up and says 'i saw a fox '. Teacher says 'what do foxes say?' billy says 'bark bark' johnny says ' i saw a blackbird' teacher says ' what do blackbirds say' johnny says ' go on Leroy, stick it up me arse'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After fcuking a fat chick whilst I was drunk, the next morning I said to her, "Here, if you want to see me again call this number."

"Awww, men don't usually give me their numbers," she responded.

I said, "It's not mine. It's Weight Watchers."

I treated my wife to a weekend away in paris.

It was the happiest time of my life.

Then she came back.

6th Oct 1854. The Great Fire of Newcastle. A wasted, ruined city, its people desperate and miserable. And then, they had a fire.

When Reagan was president, we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. In Obama's America, no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs... RIP.

A dutchman has invented footwear that has built in sat nav, phone, and Ipod.

Fucking clever clogs.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

According to a recent survey 1 in 10 women change their underwear once a week.  I'm not sure I believe that statistic - it smells a bit fishy.

My wife told me to go to the doctors to get some pills that help give me an erection.

So I got her some slimming pills.

I heard that the father of Apple had died.

Imagine my disappointment when I found out Chris Martin was still alive.

I started dating a muslim girl last night.She gave me a wank but boy she was really rough!
I've nicknamed her the Terror wrist.

i was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.She said "you cant do this to me" I said "I know....that's why i'm doing it to her."

Irelands number one Tinie Tempah tribute act is called Little Paddy.

Chelsea fans are up in arms over a proposed move away from Stamford bridge. A Chelsea spokesman said " it's a disgrace, you can't just bulldoze 10 years of history "

England's goalscorer's tonight are just what Michael Jackson would've wanted.

Black men ?

 ;)

Nah, young and bent

A bloke was sitting on a bus next to a stunning blonde who was breast feeding her baby. The baby won't take it so the woman says " right if you don't take it I'll have to give it to this nice man sat next to us " after 10 mins trying the woman again says " look if your not going to take it I will give it to the man next to us , still the baby don't take it. Another 5 mins of trying and the woman says " if your not going to take it I'm going to let this man next to us have it " with that the bloke has had enough and says " look lady can you hurry up and make your mind up I was supposed to of got off this bus 10 stops ago "

After a night of debauchery, a man notices that he has green lumps on his nob, 

He goes to the doctors who tells him that he has a serious issue. 'You've heard of wrestlers that get Cauliflower ears?' the doctor asks.

'yes' the man replies looking worried.

'Well' replies the doctor 'You've got brothel sprouts!'

I can't believe Titus Bramble has been arrested for raping a disabled woman.

Well the police haven't said she was disabled but if she couldn't outrun Bramble she must have been pretty fucking slow.

what do smoking cigarettes and licking pussy have in common?
The flavour gets stronger as you get closer to the butt!

Men think about sex about every 6 breasts.

Q: What has two wings and a halo?
A: A Chinese telephone.

What do Mac Users use for birth control?
Their personalities.

Went to Germany for the weekend and went in to a bar, i asked for dry martini and the bastards brought me out three.....

All that beer in Germany and you drink Martini...jeez!

Good grief

This morning somebody wrote 'mong' on my window.

Took me ages to lick it off.

Thats actually quite good :D

My three-year-old came to me this morning, whining: "My big brother says I'm a telltale."

Sat here watching Fatima Whitbread having a shower in the Jungle in her ultra skimpy bikini on I'm a Celebrity thinking please please don't get an erection...........but then she did

I saw a poor old lady fall over this morning, well I think she was poor as she only had £2.50 in her purse.
I woke up last night to see the ghost of Gloria Gaynor at the foot of the bed, at first I was afraid then I was petrified.

A report out today says that 40% of men over 40 have diffulcty getting an erection.


Looking at 40% of women over 40 it's not difficult to see why.

I was puffing on a cigarette in a club last night, when the bouncer approached me and said, "do you know you're smoking?"

"Sorry mate," I replied, "I don't swing that way."

Went round a friends house today, his wife was there with their new born baby. She ask me if I wanted to wind it but I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead  :)

My new girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she isn't exactly my girlfriend yet.

 :fishing:  :)

My friend told me he had heard of a new condom made from bubble wrap was being invented. Turns out it was a load of poppy cock.

I phoned the police the other day"Whats your emergency?" they asked.
I said,"2 girls are fighting over me.""OK",she paused,"Well what's the problem?""The fat one's winning,"

I felt a bit down at work today, so for a laugh I 'dipped my Asian workmate in Bleach' to be fair that 'Brightened Mamood'.

The jubilant crowd inside the City of Manchester Stadium went eerily quiet last night after news of Napoli’s goals came through. If only the Bayern fans inside the ground had a word for the joy they felt at City’s misfortune.

Go on then, I'll put my hand up and be thick. I don't get it?

That's superb.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schadenfreude

A new fragrance has been launched exclusively in Manchester this morning, it's called: Channel no. 5

i've just seen the new calender for *xford united F.C....It's quite explicit.There is a cunt on every month

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss or chat about Thesaurus Club.

I has a shit sleep last night,

Its a bit like a wet dream.....but, you know.....

Where would you find a dog with no legs?





Right where you left him.



(That's two clean fucking jokes you've had off me now)

Fuck off back to playschool give us some filthy jokes :D

Took my dog 2 the park, played Frisbee with him – Waste of time - I think I need a flatter dog.

Theres a clean one from me too Ginginho, see what you have made me lower to?!

My favourite joke ever (I've probably posted it before, but fuck it)


A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train.

When it finally happened, he was chuffed to bits.

(I think it's a joke from the great Tim Vine)

ahh the great tim vine who was once asked not to mention any deoderants and replied sure , mums the word , brilliant could quote forever but probably best just watch him

Beware of alphabet grenades.  If one explodes, it could spell disaster.

Another Tim Vine classic.

More Vinisms....

I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing – serves him right.

I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”

Led in bed last night and was starring at the misses, said to her you know you remind me of the lottery. She said what i look like a million pounds, i said no i wish you would just fucking roll over.

Was at my works Christmas party last night and the DJ played the twist, so i twisted,
Then he played jump, so i jumped, Finaly he played come on Eileen.....
I was asked to leave.

House party- always one left over in the morning! Lying on the floor behind the sofa,
Fucking legless, cant start! Asked him where he lived, so i dragged him up, pulled
him down the path to the car, fucking legs all over the place. Chucked him in the car and took him home.
Dragged him up to his house, Knocked on the door! Brought your son home form the party!


His mum replies "Did you bring his wheelchair?"

So, Kim Jong-Il is dead.  I guess that's the end of his Korea.

Kim Jong is a little more "Dead" than "Il" now isn't he.

I hear that they are going to hold a wake for Kim Jung-il.  The buffet really will be the dog's bollocks!


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.


A couple have been married for years. One day, the wife says to her husband, "look, why don't you get down the chemist and get some of them tablets so you can get an erection."
So he does. And comes back and gives her a jar of diet pills.


I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.


This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"


Chap with no arms and legs waiting at a bus stop.
Bloke says to him;
"How're you getting on?"


Marks and Spencers new advert states that it wouldn't be Christmas without M & S. They're right, it would be Chrita.


Been offered eight legs of venison for Christmas for £150. Do you think thats two deer?


"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."


LAST ONE:

All the engines on a plane fail.
The pilot comes out and asks, "does anyone here believe in the power of prayer?"
A vicar steps forward and says, "yes, I do."
"Great," says the pilot, "because we're a parachute short."

N.I.G.G.E.R these 6 letters can do so much damage when put together .... Would hate to be ginger

THE OXFORD POEM -

Our Father who art in prison,
even Mum knows not his name,
thy chavdom come,
u'll read The Sun,
in Exmouth which is in Devon,
give us this day our Welfare bread and forgive us our ASBO's
as we happy slap those who got ASBO's against us,
lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing,
for thine is the Chavdom,
the Burberry and the Bacardi,
forever and ever... Innit!

My budgie escaped from its cage a few months ago and started fucking my dog.

Ive got a few puppies going cheap if anybodies interested.

Was watching the 10 oclock new about the Striken cruise liner and the reporter said "she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court" now I just happened to glance over at the wife and it's all kicked off here !!

Incredibly woeful.
What's White and works at KFC ?
The light switch

Why should you never wear ukrainian underpants?


chernobyl fallout..

I see they have given the new Maggie Thatcher film 'The Iron Lady' a 12 certificate - not suitable for MINERS

Good of you to capitalise the punchline for the slow of thinking.

Chris Wilder is browsing through an old antique shop in Oxford and spots an oil brass type vessel. He gives it a little rub to get the pantination off where there appears to be some stamped markings.

A puff of white powder comes out the top and a genie appears.

"Thank you master" It says. "What for?" Wilder replies. "For releasing me from purgatory for the last few thousand years, and as a result of that I can grant you one wish". "Only one?" Says Wilder. "Fraid so master" retorts the Genie. "Very well then. Id like to live for ever" Smiles Wilder. "No can do master" Says the Genie. "Not in the rule book" Wilder ponders for a few minutes furtively looking around to make sure no-one is watching him. "Ok, I'd like to to see Oxford win the the second division title ahead of Swindon Town". "The genie roared with laughter, you crafty fucker" He said to Wilder and disappeared.   

Racism, even as a joke will not be tolerated on the TEF. You have been warned.

I've just added Princess Diana as a friend on the Xbox.

I don't think she has any games for it though, because she's always on the dashboard.

Pahahaha

:D

God asks Messi, "What do you believe?" He says, "I believe in hard work, and in staying true to family and friends.” God can't help but see the goodness of Messi and offers him a seat to his left. Then God turns to Ronaldo and asks, "What do you believe?" He says, "I believe in your total goodness, love and generosity.” God is greatly moved by Ronaldo’s eloquence, and offers him a seat to his right. Finally, God turns to Di Canio: "And you, Paolo, what do you believe?" Di Canio replies, "I believe you're in my seat."

Just been on bigbustycoons.com

Gotta love those businessmen and their large buses.

You thought the other thing? Shame on you.

That domain has been registered

Bet they have been sitting on it waiting for the joke to do the rounds.

My new girlfriend has told me that I will have to wait six months before she will suck my cock. I told her I fully understand her decison, respect her for it and will give her a call nearer the time.

www.penisland.net

Come on, we've all got one..

Top of the flops?

www.Mp3shits.com

Not sure about this one though

www.therapistfinder.com

What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?   Women

An old one excellently re-worked to bring us up to date. Liked it very much.

Actually at this rate that will be etched for all to under a bronze bust of the man in the main reception at a 100,000 all seater STFC stadium in the future.

Liverpool sign a new striker from Nigeria. On the first day of training Kenny Dalglish picks up a ball & says "Ball". Then he does a kicking motion & says "Kick". Then he points to the goal & says "Goal - Understand? KICK, BALL, GOAL . . . GOOOAAL!" and the Nigerian says 'Excuse me Mr Dalglish , but I speak perfectly good English' Dalglish says "Sit down son, I'm talking to Andy Carroll

I have this condition...
When I can't sleep all I want to do is eat..

...it's called Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia





NEWSFLASH: Primark in Liverpool has reportedly sold 30,000 shell suits this morning, as scousers prepare for their day out in the capital next month !!



In the cemetery I saw 4 men carrying a coffin around and around,
3 hrs later I saw the same men with the same coffin & I thought 2 myself.........................................they've lost the fuckin plot




Latest news from the African Nations Cup : 6 stone 2 pounds Ugandan striker Bobo Umfoofoo was visibly upset during last nights game after chants from the Somalian crowd of "You fat bastard" and "Who ate all the flies


A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is
to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is
boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes
of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he
is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He
swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat
anything.. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He
grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what
to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another
lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and
Chimps with Mushy Bees





I don't know why everyone gets so grossed out by genetically modified food.The leg of salmon I had for lunch was delicious...

Some good ones there mr sock.

This one's been making me laugh since Christmas day.....

Why did the mechanic go to sleep under a car?




He wanted to wake up oily in the morning.

Impossibilities in the world


1. You can't count your hair.
2. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
3. You can't breathe when your tongue is out.




Put your tongue back in, you look stupid!

Why did the chicken cross the road?


Because it was shoved inside Anthony Worrall Thompsons coat.

In the Sun they are offering tickets for football matches for £9.50.

So I sent off £9.50 for an Oxford game

Due to a mailing error, they accepted my offer and I now own the club.

Called my boss earlier & said I won't be returning to work tomorrow because i've got vaginal issues.
He said "For fucks sake you're a man"
I replied "Yes but you're a cunt"

Rumour has it,if Harry Redknapp is found guilty,he could receive community service to help London's most needy,
He will take Arsenal training twice a week !!! COYR

Good you can get us all tickets for the game.

Why doesn't Mike Tyson play the playstation?

Because he is an ex boxer.

 ::)

how much does a cockney pay for shampoo?

pan ten

I think my FIFA 12 is broke as David De Gea saved a shot, Oh never mind it was from Andy Carroll

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
We're having sex
'Cause I'm stronger than you.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm shit at poems
Show me your tits.

What's six inches long and won't be getting sucked on Valentine's Day?



Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

Steve Evans.


Crawley Town F.C.

Cant believe it first Whitney Houston now H from steps

Q. What have women and dogshit got in common?

A.The older they get the easier they are to pick up.



Q. What have women and prawns got in common?

A. Their heads are full of shit but the pink bits are alright.

Rupert Murdoch is said to be devastated at the death of Whitney Houston. In a statement released earlier he stated that although sad, he is getting a great deal of comfort from the heartwarming messages left on her voicemail.

Arsenal - They went to Milan 4 nothing.

What's got 4 legs and more money than Rangers?

Harry Redknapps dog.

One for Red Frog.

Found my nan dead in her bed this morning, I was gutted. I put my arms around her and held her and as a tear rolled down my cheek I noticed that she was naked. I ended up fucking, and just as I was about to shoot my load up her arse she shouted "BOOO!"

I mean what sort of sick cunt pretends to be dead.



PS, My nan did actually die on Tuesday morning at about 00:15am at 84 years old after a long battle with dementia.

RIP Beatrice Hackman.

My wife has left me. She said to
get her something black and lacy
for Valentine's Day.

So I got her football boots.

Sorry to hear that John

RIP Beatrice

And in the same vain as your joke.....

My daughter is (genuinely) epileptic. Which is really handy when it comes to getting the washing done

Just chuck the washing in the bath with her and flick the lights on and off?

Yeah.

She doubles up as a Jacuzzi as well

Is that meant to be part of the joke? I don't get it. If it isn't then R.I.P.

Ha ha, like both of those! Especially the Nan one.

Nah it is true Fola. That's life, I'm still smiling. Cheers guys x

Sorry to hear about your nan, nice to see you've dedicated one of the sickest jokes to her though.  And on the positive side this one was very good.

Sorry to hear that mate.

The best part is a mate text me that joke about 5 hours after I found out. Great timing :D

I'm not saying my girlfriend is a slag,but even the labels in her knickers say next....

RIP Frank Carson, heres a few of his classics......

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

There’s a professor who’s crossed a chicken with a spider, he’s now got chickens with 8 legs! I said, ‘What does it taste like?” He said, ‘I don’t know, I haven’t caught any yet.’

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' lines of communication. He ate their pigeon.

I don't think my wife likes me very much. When I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are at a Christmas party and each had to bring something to do with Christmas. Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, Scotsman brought a bag of holly and the Irishman brought a pair of knickers. I asked, ‘What’s that got to do with Christmas?’ He said, ‘They’re Carol’s.’

A fella walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me a wasp.” The shopkeeper replies: “We don’t sell wasps.” He says: “There’s one in the window.”

Paddy calls a wrong number at 3am. "Is that O'Malley's Bar?," he asks. "No it's not, this is a private residence." "Oh, I must have the wrong number. Sorry to have troubled you," says Paddy. "Ah it's no trouble," says the stranger. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

A man goes into Boots and says: “Have you got Viagra?” “Do you have a prescription?,” asks the chemist. “No,” he replies, “But I’ve got a photograph of the wife...”

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband demanded to know who the other man was.

A fella walked into hospital and the doctor said: “You’ve got three minutes to live.” The man said: “Can you do something for me?” “Yes,” he said. “I’ll boil you an egg.”

I rang British Telecom. I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said: "Not you again.”

A fella said to the doctor: “What’s the good news?” “You’ve got 24 hours to live.” He says: “What’s the bad news?” And the doc says: “We should have told you yesterday.”

Lovely stuff JJ, proper jokes.

Had the misfortune to watch the 10 o'clock show last night, fuck me when did Jimmy Carr lose every ounce of talent for comedy. Truly awful. I know he was never the best but some of his stuff was cringeworthy.

I heard that Frank Carson died from choking on food - It was a cracker.

RIP Frank - a genius of his time.

At least Whitney can now talk to Frank

All these jokes about PC David Rathband have to stop. A man has died for goodness sake, I don't even find any of them Raoul Moatly funny.

 
 :unsure: :unsure:

When my wife told me Davy Jones of the monkees has died I thought she was joking....but then I saw her face, now I'm a bereaver...


Or,

At last I've managed to find my girlfiends g spot....Who would have thought her sister had it all the time!

or

I saw a girl on the bus today who had a black eye. I was going to say something but its pretty obvious she doesnt listen.

My wife just announced that we would soon need to start buying nappies.





She's not pregnant, her arse muscles have packed up.

Hill Billy (Oxford Fan) goes to his local pharmacy and asks, "Do you have any contraception for my 14 year daughter ?"

to which the pharmacist replies "your 14 year old daughter?? Is she sexually active then"

"hell no, she just lays there like her ma"

I went to the doctors yesterday and said to the doctor ''Doc i think im going deaf''
The doctor says ''Ok can you describe the symptoms?''
I said '' Marge has got blue hair and Homer iss fat''

My wife has started copying Foderingham, I haven't scored for months.
Wife: " football, football, football, that's all you ever think about, if you said you weren't going Saturday I'd probably die of shock "
Husband: " it's no point trying to bribe me "
My wife said to me, " I can always tell when your lying, your lips move "

I'm going to Kony Island on holiday. The kids club is great!

Watched the Kony2012 video last night and can see why people want him arrested. It only tells one side of the story though and doesn't mention part of the monies raised will also be used to fund the Ugandan army which isn't exactly ideal.

I know time travel jokes aren't very funny but I heard a great one tomorrow.

I don't get it.

Supporting Liverpool is like asking your parents for a brand new, 50" plasma TV for Christmas, and on Christmas morning opening your presents to find an old TV from the 60's for your parents to say "it's still good, it's got a lot of history"

A robber bursts into a bank and shouts "give me the money ".
A brave customer runs up, pulls his mask off and says "you cant rob the bank now ive seen your face ". The robber shoots him dead and shouts "anyone else see my face?".
Theres a few moments silence before a voice says " That cunt in the Oxford  top had a look!"

How embarrassing for N. Korea that they couldn't launch that rocket.

After all, it's hardly brain surgery.

Apparently that was enough money to feed their country for a year. 800 million just blown into pieces

I know it's not Friday, but the biggest jokes today are the Refs in the Celtic and Hearts game and the Spurs, Chelsea game. No wonder we get shit refs at Swindon if we're fourth in line when it comes to Refs.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a
Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an
Indian, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Dane,
several Americans (including a Hawaiian
and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Slovak,
an Australian, an Egyptian, a New Zealander,
a Japanese, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Uzbek,
a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a
Malaysian, a Croatian, a Cypriot, a Pole,
a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a
Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a
Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech,
an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran,
a Panamanian, an Andorran, a Venezuelan, an
Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Israeli,
an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Liechtensteiner,
a Moldovan, a Syrian, an Aruban, a Mongolian,
a Portuguese, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Cook
Islander, a Norfolk Islander, a Haitian, a
Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Georgian, a Bahaman,
a Tajikistani, an Armenian, an Albanian, a
Samoan, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin
Islander, a Belarusian, a Qatari, a Tongan, a
Cambodian, a Canadian, a Cuban, an Azerbaijani,
a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a
Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman,
an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Serb,
a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Belgian, a
Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two
Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', "but
you can't come in here without a Thai."

Not a joke, but it made me laugh....

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-17794288

How silly, but ... :D :D

What did Roy Walker say when shagging his sister?

"It's good, but it's not right!"

Angela Merkel arrives in Greece to discuss the European debt crisis and is asked at passport control, "occupation?"

To which she replies, "no, just visiting".

 :D

How does Adele like her eggs at breakfast ?

In a cake.

this will be sent around the office tomorrow for sure

Stealing that

I gave up smoking as soon as my wife was diagnosed with cancer.


Job done.

[url width=368 height=516]http://i934.photobucket.com/albums/ad185/swindon123/angina.jpg[/url]

 :D :D :D

How many SEO experts does it take to change a light bulb lightbulbs LED bulbs garden lighting neon lights cheap lightbulbs free hardcore porn facial.

A valid contribution to the thread, no doubt.

A man went up to an ice cream van and noticed that there was vagina flavoured ice cream.

He asked "Can I try a vagina flavoured ice cream?" He walked away from the van licking his ice cream...he promptly returned to the van..."Excuse me this ice cream tastes like shit!" The man in the van replied "Take shorter licks!"

My new girlfriend said I have to wait six months before she'll suck my cock.

I told her I totally understand and respect her decision and I'll give her a call nearer the time.

Wife texts husband on a cold spring day -
"Windows frozen".
He texts back "Pour lukewarm water over".
A further text from wife, "Thanks,
PC completely buggered now".

When Emile Heskey heard the news he was getting released from Aston Villa he went on a shooting spree in Birmingham.

Its OK though, he never managed once to hit a target.

The chap who invented the remote control has died.

He has asked to be buried down the back of the sofa

Why does Gordon Ramsay hate Louis Armstrong so much?

Because he has all the thyme in the world.

Congratulations to Jordan Henderson who has just won the Samsung "Win a Place at Euro 2012" competition.

Barry Gibb has asked if Robin could be buried with his twin Maurice......................The grave digger said it depends on "How deep is your Bruv"

###########################################################################

The police came to my door last night, holding a picture of my wife.

Copper, "Is this your wife, sir?"

Shocked I answered, "Yes".

Copper, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids."


#########################################################################



I just saw two blind guys about to get into a fight and I shouted "My money's on the one with the knife!" You should have seen how fast they both ran off.



###########################################################################

I threw my new Muslim neighbours a house warming party last night, well I called it a house warming party, the Police are calling it Arson.


##############################################################################

TERRY and his missus were in the pub having a quiet drink when they noticed a bit of a scene unfolding on the other side of the room. It looked like two girls were getting loudly harassed by a big group of guys.
As Terry sat there drinking his beer watching it go on, his girlfriend screamed, “Aren’t you going to help them?”
“What do you want me to do?” he asked.
“Knock one out, at least!” she cried.
Terry looked at her like she was mad, and said,
“And just how is me having a wank going to help this situation?”


##############################################################################


I heard to-day that Prof. Stephen Hawkins had reached 70.............. that's some fucking wheel chair he's driving

My missus took a phone call and a pervert on the other end was heavy breathing. He said to her "I bet you have got a tight arse and a shaved bald cunt"

"Yes" replies my missus, hes watching football....."who shall I say is calling?"

The past, present and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

I know its not friday but I won't have chance to post this tomorrow

Saw a new Oxford United season ticket nailed to a tree yesterday. I thought, 'I'm having that!' You can never have too many nails.

Luigi works hard for months so he can buy some £300 Armani shoes...while dancing with Francesca at the local disco he smiles and says....Francesca are you wearing red panties?.....a little shocked she says yes,but how do you know?
Its the shine on my new Armani shoes he grins and then proceeds to dance with another girl...are you wearing green panties he asks her....suprised she replies i am Luigi....but how do you know?
Its the shine on my new Armini shoes replies Luigi.
Next he dances with the hottest girl on the dancefloor....holding her close he looks worried and starts to sweat......are you not wearing any panties he asks the beauty.....no she says with a wink and a smile,why do you look so worried she whispered softly in his ear...........Mama Mia says Luigi... thank god for that for a moment i thought i had a big crack in my new Armini shoes.

Spain made 800 passes in last nights game.

The only way England will do that, is if Rooney goes on mastermind.

Meant to send this Friday...

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the
little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big
guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say
to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me ... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says:

'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!

While watching TV last night I was feeling a bit randy so I rang 'Babes Station'

A sexy lady wearing erotic underwear answered saying "Hi Big Boy. What can I do for you?"

In a panic I said "Quick hide my wife's coming and I can't find the remote!"

How to make the new Ibrox Smoothie...
1: You need 50,000 Bitter Oranges
2: You need a bunch of Sour Grapes
Then you Liquidate

Here's another
Sky Sports have apologised to all subscribers for wrongly advertising they could watch Glasgow Rangers in 3D next season.
They meant Glasgow Rangers in D3

A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Oxford fan. She asks her pupils to raise their hands if they, too, are Oxford fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Oxford fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Oxford fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Swindon fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Swindon fan?"

"Because my mum is a Swindon fan, and my dad is a Swindon fan, so I'm a Swindon fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Swindon fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "Then I'd be a Oxford fan."

Sometimes I squat on the floor, put my arms around my knees and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

A man takes his wife to the local disco,on the dance floor is an older man doing backflips,breakdancing and the moonwalk.....the wife turns to her hubby and with a sly grin and a glint in her eye says....see that man dancing,well twenty years ago he asked me to marry him and i turned him down.
Without any emotion the hubby glances casually at the dancing man and says....yeah...and it looks like he is still celebrating.

Crawley town.

I got chatting to a agent Darren down the pub last night.

I said, "So what do you work as?"

"It's a very important job," he said. "I have to finalise deals in the transfer window."

"Wow, a football agent?" I asked.

"No," he replied. "I work in the drive thru at McDonald's."

This morning my dog looked at me and then said "Tell me a joke"

I replied "No, you don't understand human jokes"

"Oh yeah, because humans are just so clever and I'm just a stupid dog?" He complained.


"Ok" I said "Knock Knock"

Then he ran off shouting "It's the door, it's the door, quick, quick, somebody is at the door"

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates so far can be summarised as follows -

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: 


"Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there?  It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?" 


"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"   


"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" 


"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."   


"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." 


"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."


"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.


Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..." 


A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome   


"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.   


And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" 


"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."   


"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.   


Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me" 


"Oh, really!  What'd he say?"     





He said: "Who the f**k did your hair?"

Q. What do you get if you cross Prince
Charles and Queen Elizabeth? 

A. Killed in a tunnel...

Q: How does Jesus Christ make his tea?

A: He brews it

The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.
 
The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then

Jimmy Savile's family have had his
gravestone and the flowers around it
removed as a mark of respect.

That just leaves a small hole and no bush.
It's what he would have wanted.

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong.

Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

How very fucking true!

Did you hear police have uncovered Jimmy Savile's diary? Apparently the last entry was 10 years old.

Mcdonald's have announced their latest burger...... The mc savile sandwich.... 84 year old meat between 13 year old baps.

Adele gave birth last week, mother and calf are said to be doing well

A muslim bloke I work with was bragging that he had the entire Koran on DVD.

Interested, I asked him to burn me a copy.

That didn't go down too well.

BREAKING NEWS
Bob the builder has been sacked from his job. The bbc have released a statement saying they can't take the risk from someone else who says they can fix it

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

New 007 Viagra out - it won't make it harder it just makes you Roger Moore!

Police see a cardigan running down the motorway, he say's pull over.....

I joined this forum just to add this joke, thank you.

Cunt

My farts sound like Mike Oldfield tracks.

Doctor says I have Tubular Bowels.

Thanks, now I know you enjoy reading my shit, I'm going to post on here every day Dick Face.

Look forward to it.

I hear Bruce Forsyth may be involved in the child abuse scandal.

Not a joke but it fucking made me laugh.

Were you long in the hospital ? No, I was the same size that I am now.

I hear that Jeremy Beadle had a small hand in it.

Are you the the bushy nosed bloke that drives the Super Mario Whippy Ice Cream vans around Swindon, luring the kids in?  :)

I know Friday is a long way off but Fuck it.

Two blokes bump into each other after not having seen each other for many many years. The First bloke asks the second how things are going.

The second bloke, speaking very slowly tells the first:

"I w..a..s   a..l..m..o..s..t   m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first bloke says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, " Y..e..s,   I   w..e..n..t   t..o   a
d..o..c..t..o..r    a..n..d    h..e    t..o..l..d    m..e
t..h..a..t    i..f    I   s..p..e..a..k    s..l..o..w..l..y    I
w..i..l..l    n..o..t    s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"W..e..l..l,    m..y    f..i..a..n..c..e..e    a..n..d    I
w..e..r..e    s..i..t..t..i..n..g    o..n   h..e..r
p..o..r..c..h   a..n..d    t..h..e   d..o..g    w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g    h..i..s    b..a..c..k    a..n..d
I    t..o..l..d    h..e..r    t..h..a..t    w..h..e..n    w..e
a..r..e    m..a..r..r..i..e..d,    s..h..e    c..o  u  l  d
d..o     t..h..a..t    f..o..r    m..e     a..n..d    s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w    t..h..e    r..i..n..g   i..n    m..y
f..a..c..e.."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

" W..e..l..l,    I    s..p..e..a..k    s..o    s..l..o..w..l..y,
t..h..a..t    b..y    t..h..e    t..i..m..e     s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d    a..t    t..h..e   d..o..g,    h..e
w..a..s     l..i..c..k..i..n..g    h..i..s    b..a..l..l..s

I was playing Football Manager last night when I got offered the Scotland job.  I didn't like the thought of working with such a poor team so I declined the offer, hung up the phone and carried on with my game.

A guy with a gun enters a bar

"Who the fuck had sex with my wife?" he snarled.

A voice was heard in the background; "You don't have enough bullets mate!"

Brian Cobby, the voice of BT's speaking clock has died, age 83, due to health issues. I think it was after his third stroke.

My poor budgie broke both its little legs so i did my best to improvise and made the poor thing two mini splints out of two Swan Vesta matches....all went well for a few steps and then a puff of smoke told me i had forgotten to take out the sandpaper at the bottom of the cage.

Went to see the doctor about my premature ejaculation.
He said that it must be really frustrating for my wife.
I said that to be honest it was getting on her tits!!

I ache and am dirty and I think I need a bath...sound dull? now say it in a Jessica Rabbit voice :)

The other day I told my neighbour Jerome that he was like Marmite.

He said, "What, you either love me or you hate me?"

I said, "No, you're black and you smell." 

Taylor Swift.

Her music may be shit but she can knock you up a suit in less than an hour.

In bed with the wife, getting a bit steamy and she said "if you turn off the light, you can put it in my arse"

To be fair I should've let the bulb cool down first.

I was stopped in Boots the other day
by an assistant who asked me what my
favourite grooming products were.

I replied, "A packet of chocolate
buttons and a half a bottle of vodka
works for me."

Wife left me the other day,
she took the satellite dish
and all my Bob Marley records.
No woman no sky.

I am getting excited now, its only 3 Chelsea managers till Christmas.

How did Bob Marley like his doughnuts?.....wi Jammin.

 :soapy tit wank:How about Bunny Wailer?

He liked wi jammin too

I've just been diagnosed with colour blindness. It came completely out of the green.

If your feet smell and your nose is running, you may be built upside-down.

I once had an Indian girlfriend that asked me to give her a facial. I almost came on the spot.

Wen't out last night and promised the misses I'll be back by midnight. It was about 3 AM I finally arrived back home.

Just as I got in the fucking cuckoo clock 'cuckoo-ed' 3 times. 'Fuck it', I thought. 'The cuckoo clock has busted me'. Thinking quickly though I cuckoo-ed myself another 9 times. Genius, she'll have heard me coming in and thought I got in at 12.

This morning though she said to me that we need a new cuckoo clock. 'What's wrong with the one we have?', I asked. Well she said, last night when you go home it cuckoo-ed three times, said 'Oh for fuck's sake' then cuckoo-ed twice again, cleared it's throat cuckoo-ed another 3 times, fell over the table and laughed, cuckoo-ed twice more, farted and laughed then cuckoo-ed two more times.

Cracker jokes: what do you get if you eat your Christmas decorations?

Tinselitis

What do you call a Russian snooker player? Inov the red.

We had one out of a cracker the other day: Why did the criminal have a bath?

And the other half's six year old nephew said, 'because he was black.'  His Mum said 'bit racist' and he could sense something was up, so he explained that criminals wear black clothes. :)

In case anyone cares the correct punchline is, to make a clean getaway.

What's the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?

Really?

Lowering the tone.

Seasonal and cracker joke level

Snow joke

I snow

Just read this on Twitter

And...?

Oh, sorry.  Are they supposed to be of one's own composition?

No I think he meant they're supposed to be jokes! ;)

Yep.

 :smugfu:

The wife lost a tooth last night while eating a packet of dry roasted peanuts.To be fair I did actually warn her not to keep rustling the packet while the football was on!

domestic abuse is heeelarious

Shouldn't this be in the domestic violence thread?

If you're that prone to acts of unjustified violence then you should have suggested she put the peanuts in a bowl.

Personally I think you should be locked up.

What do you call a woman who can play snooker whilst balancing pints of lager on her head ?

Beatrix Potter

What do you call a man who hangs around cemetries wearing lots of raincoats ?

Max Bygraves

What is the best thing you can put on your beefburgers....about a tenner each way :D

With the recent scandal of horse meat in Tesco (and others burgers) hitting the headlines this week, Primark have taken to evaluating their clothing ranges and thus introduced more strigent criteria for their clothing supplies. A spokesman has confirmed that recent tests have shown camel toes in their value leggings range.....

Tesco aren;t the only supermarkets selling meat from horses .
I've been buying my Lidl pony for years.

;D piss funny !!

my wife told me tonight she is leaving me because i'm arrogant, I told her to close the door on her way back in

Walked into KFC the other day:

ME: "I'll have the new Mobius Chicken Strips please"

SERVER: "Any sides?"

ME: "Just the one."

New Scotland manager Gordon Strachan says he is already preparing for the 2014 world cup.

He has bought himself a new TV.

Two Asian brothers died in Bradford last night,after drowning in a frozen lake.
ITV will be screening a documentary about the 3rd brother who survived.Dan Singh on ice will be shown on Saturday at 8pm.




Now wheres my tin hat.

I was chatting up a blonde at the bar.

"Do you ever have phone sex?" I asked her cheekily.

"Yeah" she replied "but it makes my phone smell funny."


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Friend said there was nothing worse than waking up with a sore head and less money than you thought you had.

I said, "could be worse, you could have woken up with a sore ass and more money than you thought you had!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I just chucked a Spanish actor out of my pub."

"Javier Bardem?"

"No, just given him a final warning."

I had to sack my east European
cleaner today. It took her four
hours just to hoover the lounge.
 
Turns out she's a Slovak

I bought condoms & the cashier said do you need a bag? I replied "No she isn't that ugly, but I like the way you think"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On a condom dispensing machine, it was
written "Very Safe - Strictly made as per
High British standards"
Someone added below- " So was the
Titanic, but it leaked."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My wife said she was starting to look fat.

I told her she should have her Eye Sight examined.

She asked "why?" And I said Because she should have noticed that years ago.

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Well, I had a close call last night!

This girl I picked up at the bar, drove me back to her place. She looked like a lady, walked like a lady, even talked like a lady!

But when we got to her house and she parallel parked perfectly between two cars, .....
I was like hold on, somethings up!

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Wife : “Will you love me when I’m old and ugly?”
Me: “Darling, of course I do.”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The cashier told me "Strip down, facing me."
How was I to know she meant my credit card?

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Got an e-mail today from a "Bored Housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her all my dirty laundry, that'll keep her busy.

What do Oxford women get on Valentines Day?

Extended visiting hours.

My bank called me earlier,

"Has your credit card been stolen?" they asked me.

I said, "No, what makes you think that?"

"It hasn't been used at the Bargain Booze since last Friday."

My doctors told me to watch what i'm eating so i will be watching horse racing on tv this afternoon

Just to remind everyone that Comic Relief is coming up and that £5 will provide a disabled african with an education on how to tell difference between an intruder and his girlfriend.

The other day I deleted internet history and now no one remembers who Tim Berners-Lee is.

That joke would be funnier if it were factually correct.

What do you call a squid with a hump?

Camelares.

I was unaware that jokes had to be factually correct.

'RIP Margaret Thatcher - her final wish was to be cremated but we've no coal left.'

(the most shocking thing about Thatcher's death: finding myself laughing at a Patrick Kielty joke).

Maggie thatcher, the only person to fuck more miners than jimmy saville

I went to the pub with my 18 year old girlfriend last night and people started shouting "PAEDO!" at me.



It really put a dampener on our 10 year anniversary.