Friday Joke Thread

[fatbasher]

"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

[fatbasher]

A couple are lying in bed, on their 20th wedding anniversary. The woman suddenly feels her husband touching her in ways that he hadn't done in years. He started at her neck, and slowly traced a line downward, past the small of her back. He caressed one shoulder, then the other, and continued down across her breasts, stopping just below her navel.

Next, he placed his hand on her left inner arm, and caressed down her side, stopping at her hip. He started over again on her right side, then brushed gently across her buttocks, and down her leg. As his hand was making its way up the inside of her left leg, he abruptly stopped and rolled over.

She had become very aroused by all of this attention, and asked in a loving voice, "That was amazing, darling. Why did you stop?"

He cleared his throat, looked at her and said


Found the remote

[Bewster]

My wife stood naked in front of me this morning as asked "when you first saw me naked all those years ago what did you think?"

I replied, "That I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry"

She then asked, "and what do you think now?"

.........."that I did very good job" I replied.

[fatbasher]

I am getting really fed up with all this current Wayne Rooney circus going on.

I am outside Old Trafford now and there is even a man selling burnt effigies of him now and people are buying them. How Sick.



















Correction...

Sorry. They're Baked Potatoes...

[Bogus Dave]

Kanye west and Jay-Z don't like cricket because that ball's so hard

[smalltowngypsymassacre]

My pet dog is really tough. I've been interrogating him for hours, but he still won't tell me who's a good boy

[Nemo]

Arsenal's move for Yoann Cabaye has collapsed after the French midfielder refused to change his first name to Pani

[Bewster]

Just went out and bought Prince's greatest hits. Annoyingly, it cost £25, but when I got home I partied like it was £19.99

[dave_bambers_right_sock]

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a Prawn cocktail, i looked around and a bloke shouts. "That's just for starters

[Peter Venkman]

I've just been bitten by a false widow

Turns out her husband wasn't dead after all.

[Mother Brown]

A man walks into  a Butchers and asks the man behind the counter
"Do you have a Sheeps head"
No was the reply . . "its the way i part my hair"
baduum tish.

[Bewster]

What's red, comes on at the wrong time and pisses men off?

Live Jasmin

[suttonred]

?

[dave_bambers_right_sock]

Tried the new Dr Who pizzeria last night, they do a mean Dalek bread

I'll get my coat

[Mplanney]

Wolverhampton Hurricane Appeal

A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Wolverhampton in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Whitmore Reans. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "fukinelll".

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.

Wolverhampton FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Wolverhampton. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**BREAKING NEWS**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Bilston" said the girl, wot's that gotta do wi yow?"