Friday Joke Thread

[Mother Brown]

Two Asian brothers died in Bradford last night,after drowning in a frozen lake.
ITV will be screening a documentary about the 3rd brother who survived.Dan Singh on ice will be shown on Saturday at 8pm.




Now wheres my tin hat.

[dave_bambers_right_sock]

I was chatting up a blonde at the bar.

"Do you ever have phone sex?" I asked her cheekily.

"Yeah" she replied "but it makes my phone smell funny."


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Friend said there was nothing worse than waking up with a sore head and less money than you thought you had.

I said, "could be worse, you could have woken up with a sore ass and more money than you thought you had!"


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[ibelieveinmrreeves]

"I just chucked a Spanish actor out of my pub."

"Javier Bardem?"

"No, just given him a final warning."

[Saxondale]

I had to sack my east European
cleaner today. It took her four
hours just to hoover the lounge.
 
Turns out she's a Slovak

[dave_bambers_right_sock]

I bought condoms & the cashier said do you need a bag? I replied "No she isn't that ugly, but I like the way you think"


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On a condom dispensing machine, it was
written "Very Safe - Strictly made as per
High British standards"
Someone added below- " So was the
Titanic, but it leaked."

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My wife said she was starting to look fat.

I told her she should have her Eye Sight examined.

She asked "why?" And I said Because she should have noticed that years ago.

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Well, I had a close call last night!

This girl I picked up at the bar, drove me back to her place. She looked like a lady, walked like a lady, even talked like a lady!

But when we got to her house and she parallel parked perfectly between two cars, .....
I was like hold on, somethings up!

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Wife : “Will you love me when I’m old and ugly?”
Me: “Darling, of course I do.”


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The cashier told me "Strip down, facing me."
How was I to know she meant my credit card?

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Got an e-mail today from a "Bored Housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her all my dirty laundry, that'll keep her busy.

[Peter Venkman]

What do Oxford women get on Valentines Day?

Extended visiting hours.

[Peter Venkman]

My bank called me earlier,

"Has your credit card been stolen?" they asked me.

I said, "No, what makes you think that?"

"It hasn't been used at the Bargain Booze since last Friday."

[brocklesby red]

My doctors told me to watch what i'm eating so i will be watching horse racing on tv this afternoon

[Bewster]

Just to remind everyone that Comic Relief is coming up and that £5 will provide a disabled african with an education on how to tell difference between an intruder and his girlfriend.

[Peter Venkman]

The other day I deleted internet history and now no one remembers who Tim Berners-Lee is.

[Samdy Gray]

That joke would be funnier if it were factually correct.

[flammableBen]

What do you call a squid with a hump?

Camelares.

[Peter Venkman]

That joke would be funnier if it were factually correct.

I was unaware that jokes had to be factually correct.

[BruceChatwin]

'RIP Margaret Thatcher - her final wish was to be cremated but we've no coal left.'

(the most shocking thing about Thatcher's death: finding myself laughing at a Patrick Kielty joke).

[woolster]

Maggie thatcher, the only person to fuck more miners than jimmy saville