Friday Joke Thread

[walcot red]

Here's another
Sky Sports have apologised to all subscribers for wrongly advertising they could watch Glasgow Rangers in 3D next season.
They meant Glasgow Rangers in D3

[Peter Venkman]

A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Oxford fan. She asks her pupils to raise their hands if they, too, are Oxford fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Oxford fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Oxford fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I am a Swindon fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears.
"Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Swindon fan?"

"Because my mum is a Swindon fan, and my dad is a Swindon fan, so I'm a Swindon fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Swindon fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "Then I'd be a Oxford fan."

[Bogus Dave]

Sometimes I squat on the floor, put my arms around my knees and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

[leefer]

A man takes his wife to the local disco,on the dance floor is an older man doing backflips,breakdancing and the moonwalk.....the wife turns to her hubby and with a sly grin and a glint in her eye says....see that man dancing,well twenty years ago he asked me to marry him and i turned him down.
Without any emotion the hubby glances casually at the dancing man and says....yeah...and it looks like he is still celebrating.

[tans]

Crawley town.

[Peter Venkman]

I got chatting to a agent Darren down the pub last night.

I said, "So what do you work as?"

"It's a very important job," he said. "I have to finalise deals in the transfer window."

"Wow, a football agent?" I asked.

"No," he replied. "I work in the drive thru at McDonald's."

[wiggy]

This morning my dog looked at me and then said "Tell me a joke"

I replied "No, you don't understand human jokes"

"Oh yeah, because humans are just so clever and I'm just a stupid dog?" He complained.


"Ok" I said "Knock Knock"

Then he ran off shouting "It's the door, it's the door, quick, quick, somebody is at the door"

[london_red]

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates so far can be summarised as follows -

Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, Batman.

[Gethimout]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: 


"Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there?  It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?" 


"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"   


"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" 


"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."   


"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." 


"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."


"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.


Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..." 


A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome   


"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.   


And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" 


"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."   


"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.   


Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!  I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me" 


"Oh, really!  What'd he say?"     





He said: "Who the f**k did your hair?"

[Saxondale]

Q. What do you get if you cross Prince
Charles and Queen Elizabeth? 

A. Killed in a tunnel...

[Bob's Orange]

Q: How does Jesus Christ make his tea?

A: He brews it

[ScillyRed]

The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.
 
The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then

[Saxondale]

Jimmy Savile's family have had his
gravestone and the flowers around it
removed as a mark of respect.

That just leaves a small hole and no bush.
It's what he would have wanted.

[Saxondale]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong.

Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'

[Ironside]

How very fucking true!