Peter Venkman
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« Reply #495 on: Tuesday, May 22, 2012, 09:26:21 » |
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My new girlfriend said I have to wait six months before she'll suck my cock.
I told her I totally understand and respect her decision and I'll give her a call nearer the time.
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Only a fool does not know when to hold his tongue.
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Saxondale
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« Reply #496 on: Thursday, May 24, 2012, 11:44:51 » |
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Wife texts husband on a cold spring day -
"Windows frozen".
He texts back "Pour lukewarm water over".
A further text from wife, "Thanks,
PC completely buggered now".
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Never knowingly overstated.
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Peter Venkman
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« Reply #497 on: Friday, May 25, 2012, 07:38:49 » |
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When Emile Heskey heard the news he was getting released from Aston Villa he went on a shooting spree in Birmingham.
Its OK though, he never managed once to hit a target.
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Only a fool does not know when to hold his tongue.
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Bewster
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We fucking love you Gumbo!
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« Reply #498 on: Thursday, May 31, 2012, 09:47:34 » |
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The chap who invented the remote control has died.
He has asked to be buried down the back of the sofa
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london_red
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« Reply #499 on: Thursday, May 31, 2012, 09:53:25 » |
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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate Louis Armstrong so much?
Because he has all the thyme in the world.
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Peter Venkman
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« Reply #500 on: Friday, June 1, 2012, 07:30:30 » |
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Congratulations to Jordan Henderson who has just won the Samsung "Win a Place at Euro 2012" competition.
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Only a fool does not know when to hold his tongue.
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dave_bambers_right_sock
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« Reply #501 on: Friday, June 1, 2012, 10:38:05 » |
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Barry Gibb has asked if Robin could be buried with his twin Maurice......................The grave digger said it depends on "How deep is your Bruv"
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The police came to my door last night, holding a picture of my wife.
Copper, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked I answered, "Yes".
Copper, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she takes it up the arse and she's good with the kids."
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I just saw two blind guys about to get into a fight and I shouted "My money's on the one with the knife!" You should have seen how fast they both ran off.
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I threw my new Muslim neighbours a house warming party last night, well I called it a house warming party, the Police are calling it Arson.
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TERRY and his missus were in the pub having a quiet drink when they noticed a bit of a scene unfolding on the other side of the room. It looked like two girls were getting loudly harassed by a big group of guys.
As Terry sat there drinking his beer watching it go on, his girlfriend screamed, “Aren’t you going to help them?”
“What do you want me to do?” he asked.
“Knock one out, at least!” she cried.
Terry looked at her like she was mad, and said,
“And just how is me having a wank going to help this situation?”
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I heard to-day that Prof. Stephen Hawkins had reached 70.............. that's some fucking wheel chair he's driving
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Peter Venkman
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« Reply #502 on: Monday, June 4, 2012, 08:54:51 » |
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My missus took a phone call and a pervert on the other end was heavy breathing. He said to her "I bet you have got a tight arse and a shaved bald cunt"
"Yes" replies my missus, hes watching football....."who shall I say is calling?"
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Only a fool does not know when to hold his tongue.
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Saxondale
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« Reply #503 on: Friday, June 8, 2012, 09:49:05 » |
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The past, present and future walk into a bar.
It was tense.
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Never knowingly overstated.
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walcot red
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Posts: 1549
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« Reply #504 on: Thursday, June 14, 2012, 15:25:06 » |
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I know its not friday but I won't have chance to post this tomorrow
Saw a new Oxford United season ticket nailed to a tree yesterday. I thought, 'I'm having that!' You can never have too many nails.
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leefer
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« Reply #505 on: Thursday, June 14, 2012, 15:50:29 » |
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Luigi works hard for months so he can buy some £300 Armani shoes...while dancing with Francesca at the local disco he smiles and says....Francesca are you wearing red panties?.....a little shocked she says yes,but how do you know?
Its the shine on my new Armani shoes he grins and then proceeds to dance with another girl...are you wearing green panties he asks her....suprised she replies i am Luigi....but how do you know?
Its the shine on my new Armini shoes replies Luigi.
Next he dances with the hottest girl on the dancefloor....holding her close he looks worried and starts to sweat......are you not wearing any panties he asks the beauty.....no she says with a wink and a smile,why do you look so worried she whispered softly in his ear...........Mama Mia says Luigi... thank god for that for a moment i thought i had a big crack in my new Armini shoes.
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Peter Venkman
We don't need no stinking badges.
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Posts: 59638
Things can only get better
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« Reply #506 on: Sunday, June 17, 2012, 11:24:20 » |
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Spain made 800 passes in last nights game.
The only way England will do that, is if Rooney goes on mastermind.
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Only a fool does not know when to hold his tongue.
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Bathtime
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« Reply #507 on: Monday, June 25, 2012, 14:30:49 » |
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Meant to send this Friday...
Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the
little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big
guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say
to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me ... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman says:
'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!
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Bathtime
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Sippo
Living in the 80s
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Posts: 15591
I ain't gettin on no plane fool
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« Reply #508 on: Wednesday, July 11, 2012, 13:06:12 » |
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While watching TV last night I was feeling a bit randy so I rang 'Babes Station'
A sexy lady wearing erotic underwear answered saying "Hi Big Boy. What can I do for you?"
In a panic I said "Quick hide my wife's coming and I can't find the remote!"
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If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you're gonna see some serious shit...
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walcot red
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Posts: 1549
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« Reply #509 on: Saturday, July 14, 2012, 19:02:55 » |
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How to make the new Ibrox Smoothie...
1: You need 50,000 Bitter Oranges
2: You need a bunch of Sour Grapes
Then you Liquidate
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