The Shit Jokes for Birdy thread

[pumbaa]

Fill your boots. I'll start, if I must...

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog".

[STFCBird]

How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi' Jammin

[pumbaa]

Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, "Bill, I have a  great idea! I know how we can win back middle America and secure my presidential victory in 2008."

"Great, but how do you propose we go about that, asked Bill?

Well, Hillary responded, "we'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheezy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a  Labrador Retriever.  When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in middle  America, and we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living  there."

A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction.

Eventually they  arrived at just the place they were looking for.

With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They stepped up to the bar, the bartender took a step back and said, " Aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?"

Hillary answered, "Yes we are, and what a lovely town you  have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we  stop and take in some local color."

They then ordered a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in.

He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its  tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out the door.

A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head  and then left the bar.

 Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually  Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the bartender over.

"Tell me," said Hillary, "why did all those old farmers come in and  look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?"

"Good Lord no," said the bartender. "It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two assholes!"

[larwood]

I'll tell you Village's joke, know you've heard it before,but its ace;
Whats the first sign of madness?



Suggs walking up your driveway.

[STFCBird]

What do pirate children learn at school?



The 3 AAAAAAAAAARrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs

[STFCBird]

I'll tell you Village's joke, know you've heard it before,but its ace;
Whats the first sign of madness?



Suggs walking up your driveway.

  I remember that, someone didn't get it and I had to explain it to them....... I think it was a drunken Sussex  

[Cookie]

How do you make a duck sing?

Put it in the microwave so its Bill Withers.

 

[Cookie]

Double post

[STFCBird]

[mattboyslim]

I remember that one from MK!  Great stuff.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scottishman walk into a bar, the barman says "is this some kind of joke?"

[pumbaa]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. "Let me go find out", and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"

[red macca]

A faith healer goes to ireland to do a show and see if he can help.
He picks a man called peter with walking disabilities and tells him to stand behind the curtain,he then picks a man called john with a speach problem.

"Peter on the count of 3 throw away your crutches you will walk again" The man says..The crowd are going mad they are happy as pigs in shit

"right ladies and gentlemen,John will now speak to us then i will ask them both to come out here and you can see and hear for yourselves what a miracle this is.Again the crowd go mad

The shouts out "john speak to this crowd  " so john replies















































P-P-P PETERS FELL OVER

[DV]

I've had a hair cut

[STFCBird]

I've had a hair cut

 :shock:

[McLovin]

Did you hear about the two lorries that crashed earlier? One was carrying loads of tortoises, the other carrying loads of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.