The confessions (a.k.a the sexual adventures of Audrey & EldeneRed) thread

[Leggett]

A friend worked for a sports retailer in the outlet and used to nick shitloads of stuff, I helped him a couple of times and got some bits and bobs. Was convinced I'd been caught once when 3 big bastards in black coats and hi-viz jackets appeared whilst I was waiting outside and started pointing in my direction, turned out they were builders checking out where some work needed doing.

[Simon Pieman]

You could phrase it as a story that happened to a friend of a friend?

SWIM is the way it's normally worded.....

[Bewster]

07:00am Monday morning I got out in the street, lean over their wall and turn the gas off at the meter and turn the water off in their water meter and steal the long plastic key so they can't turn it back on.

Both were off until the Wednesday evening when their landlord came out.

This is cuntish but superb - well done Sonic edit : Jayo

I was once slapped in a road rage incident by some middle age bad tempered twat for sicking to the speed limit. He was an absolute cock and was cautioned by the police for it. They wrote to me giving his address so every week for a while when I came home pissed in the early hours I'd phone him up and hang up when he answered.

You could do this before caller ID 

[Costanza]

It's not uncommon for me to go a week or two at work by doing absolutely nothing other than checking my emails. I work hard when I do have a workload and nobody is forced to do work that I'm supposed to do, it's just that sometimes there's not much for me to do. I'm off the grid. I get paid okay and received a pay increase recently.

I'm beginning to think that I'm Milton in Office Space.

[jayohaitchenn]

This is cuntish but superb - well done Sonic.

Sonic?

[Bewster]

Sonic?

Sorry - Jayo.

Fixed it

[suttonred]

It's not uncommon for me to go a week or two at work by doing absolutely nothing other than checking my emails. I work hard when I do have a workload and nobody is forced to do work that I'm supposed to do, it's just that sometimes there's not much for me to do. I'm off the grid. I get paid okay and received a pay increase recently.

I'm beginning to think that I'm Milton in Office Space.

Yep exactly the same here, except I dont even bother coming in and do my emails from home..

[jayohaitchenn]

Doesn't everyone do that?

[Costanza]

Doesn't everyone do that?

Perhaps. It's a confession nonetheless.

Doing nothing is quite hard sometimes.

[suttonred]

i did 10 weeks at home in the summer. no one noticed..

[Samdy Gray]

You should all read the 4 Hour Work Week, it tells you how to become a master at it.

[Flashheart]

I haven't taken on any work in more than a year, asides from a few days work I did a couple of months ago.

[Leggett]

Jesus, I'm in the wrong line of work...

[Samdy Gray]

No, you're living in the wrong country.

[ibelieveinmrreeves]

When I was 17 I went to a party at an acquaintance's parent's house. He and his friend had made cookies, which I was clearly too naïve to think much more of. Anyway after a handful (greedy bastard, and I hadn't had any dinner) I started having a fucking amazing time.

Then I had a fucking dreadful time.

I started feeling sick, so went to the bathroom, locked the door, dropped trousers and started doing the business. Shortly after starting this, vomit began pouring from the other end into the bath. I can still see it now, 12 years later - it was almost foam like.

The pain in my gut remained and I couldn't move - so here was me, still sat on the shitter, bent almost double, and now people banging on the door. I couldn't talk. Eventually one guy climbed onto the roof and came in through the open window, surveyed the scene, unlocked the door and left me there to be gawped and laughed at. Thankfully, a friend who I had recently rescued off the toilet at my own party came in, pulled my trousers up (shit was stodgy as hell, so was a "no wipe" situation) and got me to a bed, where I stayed until my sister came and got me in the morning.

Felt a bit rough the next day, but no lasting or even short term damage. The story still comes up occasionally but I've been able to laugh about it almost since it happened. I don't drink so this remains my biggest ever mess of a night.