Jokes (may come in handy if we lose tonight)

[Tails]

What's red and blue?
Purple.


A horse walks into a bar.
The barman asks "Why the long face?"
The horse says 'My dad just died'


Why has Bugs Bunny got long ears?
Because he's a rabbit.


Why does Superman wear his underpants outside his trousers?
Because he's a pervert.


What's brown and sticky?
A stick.


What's brown and runny?
Linford Christie.


Why has Noddy got a bell on his hat?
Because he's a cunt.


Why does Snoop Dogg always carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.


How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in a microwave until its bill withers.


Knock, knock.
Who's there?
U.N.
U.N. who?
I didn't know you were Serbian.


Why did the rhino lose his drum and bass CDs?
Because the junglist massive.


A kangaroo walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'Blood is the lipstick of all wounds.' The bartender does not know how he said it or why.


There were two old men in deckchairs. The first one said, 'It's nice out, isn't it?' And the second said, 'Yes, I think I'll take mine out as well'.


Comic Sans Serif and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
Barman says 'We don't like your type in here'.


A man walks into a bar. Ouch! It was an iron bar/
A man walks into a bar. Ouch! It was Roseanne Barr.
A man walks into a bar. Ouch! He was an iron man.
A man walks into a brewery. Fizz! It was an Irn-Bru-ery. Which, ironically, is made by Barr's.


What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes.


When my grandad was ill, we smeared him in grease and butter. He went downhill fast after that.


Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other and says,
'Oh, no! I think I'm an ion!'
'Are you sure?!?'
'Yes, I'm positive.'


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan


Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.


What's pink and smells of ginger?
Fred Astaire's cock.


A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living."


I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it."


A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"


I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

[my-velocity]

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because it was the Chickens day off  

[Spud]

Whats the between an Aussie and a Yoghurt?

If you leave the Yoghurt long enough it will form its own culture.

[Leggett]

Whats the between an Aussie and a Yoghurt?

If you leave the Yoghurt long enough it will form its own culture.

[McLovin]

A young man, possibly in his mid-twenties walks into a bar and sees Van Gogh sitting alone in the corner. He walks over and say "my word, are you Vincent Van Gogh?" The man replies "yep. I sure am"

The bloke, a bit taken back says "this is ace, let me by you a beer...", which is understandable, as you rarely see dead artists sitting in your local.  Now, Van Gogh isn't really interested, and so he replies with "no thanks, i've got one ear".

That's the end of the joke.  It's the way you tell it i think, which determines whether it is taken well or not.

[strooood]

a limbo dancer walks into a bar...


he wasn't very good

[DV]

thats a nice afro I've got there  :?