Wednesday's Really Awful Joke Thread

[pumbaa]

Please don't shoot the messenger, they are not mine but they do need to be shared.

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"  

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories After about an  hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, " I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of  himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're  twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers  from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, --- thereby proving that only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And  finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did

 :roll:  :|

[Whits]

Three men and a woman stranded on a desert island. After the first year the woman was so ashamed at what she was doing, she killed herself. After the second year, the men were so ashamed at what they were doing they buried her...After the third year they were so ashamed at what they were doing, they dug her up again.

[mattboyslim]

:shake: Shocking jokes all round!

[Sade]

I think I may have bird flu(you ask 'why')......well because I feel peckish
pathetic joke,some girl at work told me it.

[pumbaa]

I think I may have bird flu(you ask 'why')......well because I feel peckish
pathetic joke,some girl at work told me it.

Oh dear, time for Horlicks for her  :|  Thanks for sharing  :|

[Johno]

tht one made me laugh a little, im disgusted at myself. overall, at least the thread title is true and doesn't lead you to expect something different! thats the only positive.

[Sippo]

What happened to the magic tractor has it drove down the road?

It turned into a field.

 :roll:

[STFC Village]

Saddam Hussain goes to hell and the devil is waiting there and he isnt in the best of moods, he look to Mr. Hussian and says "well well well look at who we have here, i am over booked so you have the choice of 3 doors and you MUST choose one of the doors, the door you choose will be your fate for all eternity!"
Mr. Hussain nods and they procceed to the first door and open it and here is Aldof Hitler diving into a pool and resurfacing then diving back in again, Mr hussian looks and shakes his head " i cant swim" he says
The devil shrugs and they procceed to the next door and here is Yassa Arafat hitting a rock with a pick over and over, Mr Hussian looks and shakes his head again " i have this bad shoulder and cant do heavy work" he says
The Devil shrugs and they proceed to the final door the devil opens it and here is Bill Clinton laying spread eagled on a torture table with Monica Lewinsky ontop of him doing what she does best, Mr Hussian's eyes light up and go wide and he says " hell yes i can do that"
The devil smirks and says " Miss Lewinsky Your Are Free To Go!"

[Johno]

this is meant to be a crap thread for jokes....not slighty or quite funny!

[Dazzza]

Q: Why did Father Christmas wake up with the tangy taste of blood in his mouth?

A: Because it was the festive period!

Scorchioooooo!!!

That just came o me now as well.  Impressed?  I am.

[Whits]

What happened to the magic tractor has it drove down the road?

It turned into a field.

 :roll:

i love that joke  

[Bob's Orange]

2 Parrots were sitting on a perch, 1 says to the other 'can you smell fish'?

[Boeta]

Did you hear about the wooden car... it woodn't start

[PHIL!!!!]

Q: Why did Father Christmas wake up with the tangy taste of blood in his mouth?

A: Because it was the festive period!

Scorchioooooo!!!

That just came o me now as well.  Impressed?  I am.

Haha