Online Dating, advice required.

Re this weekends date with Miss TacheCandy, could do with a little advice unrelated to online dating.

I arrived at Costa Coffee 10 minutes early and positioned myself by the door to ensure I saw Miss TacheCandy arrive.I’d only been there a minute when an unfamiliar looking girl introduced herself as Candice. She looked nothing like the photograph’s she sent me earlier. She explained that she didn’t post pictures of her face as she feared her online dating activity would become public knowledge (she did assure me that all the intimate photographs were really of her). She wasn’t unattractive in a too much lipstick not enough skirt kind of way and I’d come along way so I didn’t question her on the matter any further.
We shared a coffee and some small talk & she then announced that her sister was on holiday, she was actually dog sitting round at her place which was only 5 minutes walk away.It seems she had to get back to let the dog out but I was welcome to join her, the plan was to get a take out and have a drink at her sister’s place.
Back at her sisters she ordered a Chinese & told me where to find it. She instructed me to pick up a couple of bottles of Hock at the off license on the way back so I fired up the moped and set off. Got the Chinese no problem, however the bloke in the off license refused to serve me.

I decided the best solution was to loiter outside the off license and try to persuade an incoming customer to purchase the Hock on my behalf. I bottled it with the first customer & was knocked back by the following two. I realised at this point the clock was ticking & the Chinese was getting cold. Asked the fourth guy and explained my dilemma, he laughed his arse off but agreed to procure the booze on my behalf.

Arrived back at Candices sister’s place to find the place was stocked with more booze than Oddbins & Candice doing a decent job getting through it.
Had the Chinese and a bottle of larger & Candice then suggested that we retire to the lounge to watch her favourite film “dirty dancing”. The place was like a Furness even with the windows open and Candice explained the boiler was playing up.

Pretty soon she kissed me & before long we were in a state of undress. She then did everything possible to guide my head south. I have to say I was a little anxious but she promised full intercourse would follow if I obliged. I had to endure this for what seemed an eternity as Candice made glacial pace on her journey to climax, thankfully I was given verbal encouragement, instruction and constructive criticism throughout. Just about when I’d given up the will to live Candice announced my ordeal was over.
I’m sorry to report that after a week of exchanging filthy messages with Miss TacheCandy I was in a state of high excitement and the promised intercourse which followed was over pretty much before it had began. My date met this event in a sympathetic manner and hinted that we would try again soon.

I’m afraid I then fell asleep (must have been the heat in the room & the beer). I woke up an hour or so later to find myself alone. I checked the kitchen first which I found only contained the dog. I then decided to have a look upstairs, She was on the loo and had left the bathroom door open, she seemed pleased I was awake and announced with some vigour that it was time for round two.

Downstairs I readied myself for intercourse, determined to give her the rodgering she so craved. Candice however insisted that I would have to take a trip down South again first. If I was anxious first time around I was downright reluctant for second helpings. Still I thought I’d give it ago. This time however I noticed a distinct difference, it tasted different and the aroma was VERY different & all together unpleasant. I batted on admirably for a while listening to the dog whining sympathetically from the kitchen as I set to the task in hand.
I’m afraid my heart wasn’t in it this time and I started to try to formulate a mental list of things that could be worse than my current activity.

1.Spending the evening punching myself in the balls.
2.Setting fire to my hair and then attempting to beat out the flames with a hammer.
3.Inserting a biro in my eye.
4.Thrusting my genitals into a hornets’ nest.

I spent a while contemplating the pain involved when standing on an upturned plug & decided after much consideration that my current activity was indeed a less attractive prospect.

I soon realised that we’d had unprotected intercourse an hour or so earlier and my population paste deposit had festered up there in this sauna like room since.
I immediately stopped announced that I really wasn’t feeling that well & that I should really be getting back, she seemed shocked by this but put her clothes on and left me out.

As I rode back on my moped to our digsI started to go over the evenings events in my mind. Before long I had a Eureka moment, a flash back to Candice perched on the toilet earlier in the evening. I clearly remembered they way she used a wad of toilet tissue. Not a dainty pat to dry her cha-cha. While still seated & on tip toes, her hand which was stuffed full of toilet tissue submarined underneath herself & wiped from the back to front!!!!

In addition I recall an aroma which on reflection made me believe Miss TacheCandy was having a dump rather than a tinkle.
With stomach churning certainty I understood that the unpleasant second helping was not solely a result of my population paste deposit earlier in the evening.

Thankfully I was just passing a 24 hour Supermarket , I decided I needed to get in there to purchase water and mints as a matter of urgency.
Inside I collected a bottle of water and mints and also a 6 pack of apples , I realised that I didn’t have enough money for the apples but I really couldn’t be arsed to walk out to the cash machines. The place was deserted because it was late and I was in a spot where I assumed there was no CCTV so I stuck the apples in my jacket, as I really needed the apples.
I’ve never stolen before & I’m not sure why I did then. As I left the supermarket a store detective with the worse comb over ever asked me to step back inside. He asked me if I had anything inside my jacket. I decided not to comment and to make my way towards the moped & attempt to make my escape.

Next thing I found myself surrounded by the supermarket's very own version of the CRS. As soon as reinforcements arrived king comb over the store detective was on me quicker than a tramp on a bag of chips. A bit of wrestling ensued & I’m afraid to say I blurted out some comments like a freestyling touretter which I would later regret. They managed to wrestle me into the security room & the store manager arrived and found the apples in my pocket. At this point he asked everybody else in the room to leave. He asked me if I’d been in trouble with the police before (I told him the truth, no).
The store manager told me in cases such as this they are allowed a certain level of discretion. As the value of the material stolen was negligible normally they would ask me to pay for the value of the goods and warn me about my behaviour.

However his store detective was insisting action be taken. It seems he is very sensitive about his comb over and the fact I had repeatedly called him Cadfael had upset him & he seemed determined to land me the heaviest punishment possible.
As this was the case the store manager announced that he would be issuing me with a PND & an £80 fine. Two police officers arrived & took my name, address & date of birth. I have 28 days to pay the fine & I’m now banned from the supermarket for life.

To compound matters when I left the supermarket I discovered my moped had been kicked over. I strongly suspect the culprit was Cadfael the six fingered cat bumming mong.

Can anybody advise if I now have a criminal record?

Also I’m currently applying for jobs, am I obliged to declare this on my application?

Will it show up on CRB checks?