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Doctor Bamber
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« on: Thursday, January 20, 2011, 08:01:37 » |
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Swindon Town have tonight released a statement tonight denying that Jordan Pavett, the winner of the Samsung "Win a pro contract" competition, who yesterday signed his prize, a one year contract at STFC, has today shocked the club by handing in a transfer request.
"I am shocked that the club saw fit not to appraise me of an offer last week from Salisbury City - my contract clearly states that any offers from bigger clubs will automatically be referred to me before the club replies" the 18 year old said through his agent, Phillip McPockets-Andrunlikefuck, "Plus they never told me that I was going to have to play with a carthorse like fucking Pericard - i assumed I would be up front this weekend with Charlie Austin, Now I find out that I have to partner that useless bloody french twat. Fucking Juventus my arse - he couldnt lead the line for fucking Fray Bentos. I cant be expected to fulfill my potential with cunts like that alongside me. I mean, if its not him its that girly french togolese twat with the gay alice band and shaved legs that doesnt know the offside rule and couldnt hit a cows arse with a banjo, let alone a goal thats 12 yards wide with a fucking football"
"And another thing", he continued "for some strange reason they stopped me yesterday from going round Phil Smith's house to give his missus a right good seeing to as well. I understood that it was the divine right of any club star striker to be boffing one of the keeper's wives. And that Polish blokes missus is a proper munter, I can tell you - i wouldnt touch her with yours. Mrs Smith may be a bit short and have a few zits but she's got a cracking set of norks, I can tell you, I reckon she'd be gagging for it and probably doesnt stink too much for a fat bird"
It is expected that Danny Wilson will appear before a press conference tomorrow to mutter a few cliches in a comedy yorksheeer accent about "rubs of the green" and " needing to kick on from this and show our bouncebackability" before proceeding to blame STFC supporters for upsetting Pericard's karma and how their constant booing of him ruined a nice snooze for him after he was brought on against Yeovil last weekend. he is also expected to blame fans for "not loving Charlie enough" leading directly to his leaving the club this week.
The thoughts of chairman Andrew Fitton are unknown - it is understood that he is far too busy in discussions with Holiday Inn Express about the planned redevelopment of the county ground into a drive in discount hotel and restaurant, with 2 for 1 specials for displaced Town fans every alternate Thursday, 3pm - 6pm only. This will take place when Fitton has moved the club to Hungerford and renamed the club Hungerford Town.
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herthab
TEF Travel
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Posts: 12020
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« Reply #1 on: Thursday, January 20, 2011, 08:43:06 » |
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Hysterically unfunny.
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It's All Good..............
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Bennett
No Comment
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« Reply #2 on: Thursday, January 20, 2011, 08:52:45 » |
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pericard is cameroonian
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This is the water.
And this is the well.
Drink full and descend.
The horse is the white of the eyes and dark within.
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Samdy Gray
Dirty sneaky traitor weasel
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« Reply #3 on: Thursday, January 20, 2011, 08:57:44 » |
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I don't think Wilson will be too happy with you calling him a Yorkshireman either.
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land_of_bo
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« Reply #4 on: Thursday, January 20, 2011, 09:02:20 » |
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I don't think Debbie's a fat bird either.
Still not a bad effort, bits made me chuckle.
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Costanza
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« Reply #5 on: Thursday, January 20, 2011, 09:12:05 » |
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Where did Dave Bamber get his doctorate?  |
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phelpsieboy
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« Reply #6 on: Thursday, January 20, 2011, 09:20:33 » |
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BBC Wiltshire understands that former Oxford United player Julian Alsop is to come out of retirement to join Swindon as Danny loses the plot even more and edges closer to being sectioned. Local green grocers seem to be delighted at the news of the further income they shall recieve with Mr Alsop living in the area, however the youth team have spoken at the frustration of now having to wear chastity belts to protect their behinds, with one youth team player saying "it hurts just putting my finger up there, I'd hate to think what a Marrow or a Squash would do"
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Doctor Bamber
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« Reply #7 on: Thursday, January 20, 2011, 09:27:20 » |
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Where did Dave Bamber get his doctorate? Long story - the study of traditionally nomadic people of Irish origin with their own language and traditions, living predominantly in Ireland but also in Great Britain who refer to themselves as Minceir or Pavees in their own language or in Irish as an Lucht Siúil, meaning literally "the walking people". The European Parliament Committee of Enquiry on Racism and Xenophobia found them to be amongst the most discriminated-against ethnic groups in UK, and yet their status remains insecure in the absence of widespread legal endorsement. Also falling down a lot in penalty areas helped a bit |
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jayohaitchenn
Wielder of the BANHAMMER
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« Reply #8 on: Thursday, January 20, 2011, 09:35:34 » |
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Jacob's wife isn't a munter either.
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nevillew
Tripping the light puntastic
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« Reply #9 on: Thursday, January 20, 2011, 09:48:57 » |
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A goal is 8 yards wide. Perhaps that's the problem ?
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Paolo Di Canio, it's Paolo Di Canio
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