Safety at work

[Nemo]

Well, they say you learn something new everyday. It's going to be difficult to follow that tomorrow in all honesty.

[pauld]

I've seen one of those at a truck stop in Southern France. It's probably the most harrowing, disgusting experience I've ever had in my life. It was just a 10ft wide hole in the floor that you had to crouch around.

They're not pleasant. The first one I encountered was like a shower basin but with a wider "plughole", and two slightly raised "foot stands" (mouldings about 2" high) either side of a 6-9" hole in the floor. With a birch twig broom for brushing away any leavings, should you be slightly off target.

Me and a mate were InterRailing after doing our A levels and ended up in this place about 10 miles outside Barcelona one night, and went to some bar where this was the toilet. We met up with a group of Irish lads and I think pretty much everyone who went to the bog at various stages of the night commented on how rank it was.

About half way through the evening, one of the Irish lads came back and said (words to the effect of) "Fuck, you weren't kidding, that was disgusting." We all nodded in agreement. He carried on "And bloody hard work, too". Some notes of puzzlement. "And Jesus, it hurt". Widespread eye-brow raising. The daft sod had somehow got it into his head that the raised foot stand mouldings were for putting his hands on while he strectched crab-like over the hole with his hands behind his body, his feet in front and his back arched. We all goggled in amazement and started laughing.

Then came the killer follow-up "And what a filthy fucking way to wipe your arse" - turns out he hadn't spotted the roll of loo paper tucked into a recess in the wall, and so had endured what must have been one of the most painful and repellent self-cleaning experiences ever with the birch twig broom. It was a good 5 minutes before anyone stopped laughing enough to regain sufficient power of speech to answer his pitiful cries of "What? What? Tell us you fuckers or I'll batter you all".

In fairness, he was completely bladdered but I've never been able to think of one of those toilets since without wincing at the thought of it or remembering the ache in my sides and throat from laughing so hard.

[chalkies_shorts]

Africa, asia, some parts of Europe. Here's one I visited at a restaurant in Swindon:

[url width=450 height=300]http://community.travelchinaguide.com/photo/5111/51118015352134.jpg[/url]

Oh come on, you know thats really a kitchen in Scumland - recently cleaned as well.

[Talk Talk]

I used a shitter like that in Israel years ago.

The only difference was a massive fuck-off cockroach wallowing in the pan. I've never seen such a thing in my life. Huge bastard.

He disappeared down the plug hole accompanied by my waste. I'm sure he enjoyed every mouthful.

[nochee]

In the UK? In which countries are toilets designed to be stood on?

Malaysia has squat toilets.

I used to drink in a bar in Kuala Lumpur that was backpacker oriented and had European sit down toilets but there was always footprints on the rim where locals ahd used it for their business.

I always liked the writing on packets of peanuts that said "may contain traces of nuts" You dont say!!!

[Arnold.J.Rimmer]

This reminds of some of the toilets in Egypt. Here's a guide to using "The Squat Toilet"

Rule One: Exhaust all other possibilities.

If you are truly in need and condemned to use the squat toilet, comfort yourself with the knowledge that you are several thousand miles from friends and family. No one has to know.

Proceed as follows:

Most stalls do not have toilet paper. This is the best time to realize this. Either take paper from the general dispenser in the bathroom area or preferably bring your own as it will be made of tissue and not plywood carpaccio.

Approach the squat toilet apprehensively and make sure it's not covered in stool. If it is covered in stool, choose another stall. If another stall is not available, accept the cards that have been dealt you. This is a good time to come up with a title for your experience such as My Great B.M. Adventure or Disgusticon One.

Close the door to the stall, knowing full well the handle has more germs on it than the entire population of Botswana.

Place your feet on the appropriate foot grids, assuming they are not covered in stool. If they are covered in stool, place your feet on the least fouled space you can find, being careful to maintain balance.

Unfasten and drop your trousers and underpants, making sure that they do not make contact with the urine and stool covered surface area.

Grimace and ask yourself if a country with such a toilet can or should ever be a superpower.

Assume a squatting position like a competitive ski jumper. Stick your ass out like a whore in a 50 Cent video. This is a good time to pretend you're not a miserable tourist with your pants around your ankles, squatting over a barbaric poo hole.

Use your right hand to prevent the soiling of your trousers and underpants by holding them off the ground and pushing them forward, away from any Danger Zone. This is perhaps the best time ever to be a kilt-wearing Scotsman.

In your left hand should be the assortment of paper/wipes/anti-bacterial sheets you intend to use after you are finished with your production.

You would think you would want your left hand to brace your squatting self against the stall wall. However, the stall wall is covered in nose nuggets and as such is not touchable. At any rate, if you have a penis you will need your left hand for guidance anyway.

For the penised: Use your left hand to aim it away from your trousers and underpants. Point it backwards between your legs - as if it were a rocket engine designed to propel you far away from this alien hellhole. At the same time be sure not to drop any of the objects in your left hand as they will be rendered horribly irretrievable should you do so.

If you do not have a penis, use the left arm to balance yourself - waving it around wildly rather than touching the snot covered stall wall or filthy support bars (if any).

If you are able to maintain balance for several seconds, you are ready to begin bowel evacuation. At this point the bulk of your focus should be towards the quick evacuation of your bowels without soiling your clothing, missing your mark or - God forbid - losing your balance and falling.

For aiming purposes keep your head tucked between your legs - like a bombardier on a very unpleasant mission assigned by General Squalor.

If your aim is true you will have the pleasure of watching poo (yours) drop down a deep, dark hole to a resounding ploot. If it's not true, you will have the pleasure of watching poo (yours) come to rest on the floor between your legs.

After you have completed your bowel evacuation, DO NOT STAND UP. Remain squatting and miserable.

Continue using your right hand to prevent contact of your trousers/underpants with urine/stool. Place your tissues and wipes in your left hand on top of your underwear/trousers and select the items you need for wiping.

Wipe and curse culture simultaneously, all the while maintaining the squatting position.

Do not drop soiled tissues. That would be too easy. Sadly, the 16th century plumbing can only handle poo. Soiled tissues are to be placed in the bin behind you. Without leaving the squat position, twist your body in order to see the bin and make a good throw. Don't worry if you miss, as it's obvious from the poo-sheet pile on the floor that even the squat-tastic natives are no Michael Jordans.

Once sufficiently wiped, humiliated and traumatized, you may stand and re-underpant and re-trouser yourself. This is a good time to reflect on your life and also a good time to try blacking out these last ten minutes - like a freshly-sodomized felon might do.

The filth-covered flush button is behind you and may or may not work.

Open the door to the stall, again knowing the handle has more germs on it than a decade of scrapings from Paris Hilton's tongue.

Exit the stall and never, ever, ever get yourself into a situation where you have to do that again. But first, wash your hands until they bleed.

[nochee]

Ah, memories of Asia come flooding back.

In reality though, if you have eaten some dodgy local dish you may not have time to go thru the process that so expertly describe.

Reality says.. Get in screw your nose up in disgust, do what you gotta do and get out. Never talking about the experience you have just been thru with anyone, try to forget about it and continue life as normal....till the next time.

[BANGKOK RED]

Western style toilets are common place in Bangkok, along with instructions to sit and not squat because finding footprints on the seat is not uncommon.

Upcountry is the realm of the squat toilet, something that I have never quite felt comfortable with and I always seem to have problems with my todger making contact (Or maybe that's just me).

One thing that they do have over us lot is that they clean properly with water, most toilets come with a kind of bum gun to wash yourself with. I don't know if I could ever revert to using just tissue again.

[Barry Scott]

One thing that they do have over us lot is that they clean properly with water, most toilets come with a kind of bum gun to wash yourself with. I don't know if I could ever revert to using just tissue again.

I believed i've raised the issue several times Mr Red. Washing your arse is the only hygienic option as far as i'm concerned. If you got shit on your hands, you wouldn't wipe them "clean" with tissue...

[Reg Smeeton]

  Those squatty toilet things used to be pretty common in France and Spain, when I first started going there many years ago.....I'd become hardened though by spending many a day at festivals, before the concept of digging a hole with a JCB, and laying some scaffolding poles over it had been thought of.

[nochee]

One thing that they do have over us lot is that they clean properly with water, most toilets come with a kind of bum gun to wash yourself with. I don't know if I could ever revert to using just tissue again.


[/quote]

I agree with you on that one. But, what i dont get is how you dry yourself afterwards?

Its a mystery!

[Ardiles]

One thing that they do have over us lot is that they clean properly with water, most toilets come with a kind of bum gun to wash yourself with. I don't know if I could ever revert to using just tissue again.

I am with you 100%.  I used the bum gun when I was in Ko Tao and Ko Pha Ngan and remember thinking how much sense it made.  Using paper again when I came home seemed so much less hygenic.

[bigbobjoylove]

We've just had a new drinking water tap installed at work, presumably at great expense. To get water out of it, you have to push a button on the top, or two buttons if you want hot water. Next to it is a poster explaining that the "two buttons for hot" is a "safety feature". Now, I'm all for safety in the workplace, but in the name of all that's holy, precisely what grade of low-level monkey do you have to be that you can't operate a hot tap safely? If there are such people, how do they manage to get by on a day-to-day basis in their own houses without succumbing to tragic accidents? Surely, such people should be in sheltered accommodation of some form with carers constantly looking over them lest they drown/electrocute/stab themselves while trying to make a cup of tea? And are they really likely to be in any form of employment at all?

That's just stupid. It's not like you die if you spill hot water on yourself. It just hurt a little bit and then you have learned to not put your hands under the hot water tap the next time.

Can we get pictures of this madness? I can't figure out how pressing two buttons would be safer than pressing just one, unless the buttons are so far away from each other than you have to first place your mug under the tap then use both hands to press the two buttons making it impossible to have a hand under the tap while the warm water is flowing. But for that to work the two buttons would need to be like at least 30 cm apart.