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My friend Ally wrote a bit of a rant on the subject of status changes. It amuses me somewhat.

Quote from: ally

A Guide to the Twattery of Facebook Status Changes

Any status change, however apparently innocent or innocuous, is, at its heart, an attention seeking, self important and pathetic attempt to assign meaning to one's life and should be treated with utter contempt. However, before deciding on whether the person should be deleted from your friend list, it is worth noting that each change falls into certain categories, varying in levels of twatishness.

1.) The 'I am doing something that nobody should give a toss about' status

e.g. 'Mark is eating a delicious curry'

Whilst this falls into the only 'mildly annoying' category, it should still be treated with contempt for the reason that the person assumes that anyone should actually give a shit that they are eating a curry, or about to get their hair cut, or about to jump out of the first floor window balls first because the chefs spunked into their food and gave them herpes. However, it is not grossly offensive because rather than displaying obnoxious levels of self-importance, it is more of a slightly depressing and pathetic muted death-yelp for attention.

2.) The 'I lead a more exciting, fulfilling, and sociable life than you' status

e.g 'Rob is at Milan airport after a stressful week of work and looking forward to hitting the bars in Camden this weekend'

Whilst on first appearances this type of status may appear to fit into category one, it is the deliberate subtle implications of such a change that elevate it to supertwatishness. Your friend is not simply stating that he is tired and looking forward to relaxing - he is forcing you to acknowledge that he has some kind of successful and important job and that to top it off, yes - he actually has a fucking awesome social life aswell. Treat with utter scorn.

3.) The 'I am an attention seeking drama queen and my emotional life is of great importance to everyone' status

e.g 'Kelly is wondering whether she has made the right decision and hopes she will finally find some happiness'

Such status changes are perhaps the most despicable out of all categories. First, because of the sensationalist tone, rather than hint that they would quite like some tosser to care, they actually demand a response. Rather than ignore them like the majority of subtle attention seeks, the close friends of this person must reply with a tone of caring inquisition. Instead of just thinking 'I wouldn't give a crap if you were vomiting with anxiety about the meaningless of your sorry existence' and cracking open the porn, the friend is forced to make up some shit and pretend they are losing sleep over the whole pathetic charade.

4.) The 'My love life needs to be visible to half the internet' status

e.g. 'Julia is thinking why bother with men'

Firstly, fuck off - its noboby's business but your own. Secondly, there are things you are not telling us in your stupid little soundbite - like the fact that getting drunk, acting like a slag, and getting your tits out to a passer by on the way home probably didn't help matters did it? But frame it on Facebook for 200 people to see and whilst he adopts the image of a shit on a shoe, you come across as a beacon of holiness. How would you like it if he changed his status to 'is still trying wash her puke off my best shirt'? Exactly, so shut your face.

5.) The 'something completely random, obscure, and incomprehensible' status

e.g 'Brian is spinning his balls at the speed of light!'

Similar to category 3 offence in that it annoyingly demands a response, but differs in the sense that the arrogance derives from the fact that it assumes that their friends can be fucked to inquire about the randomness, or worse pander to their ego by bothering to decode it. If you find yourself responding in a similarly obscure and witty manner, then all hope is lost.