Friday Joke

[jim]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring  at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a Pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
 
 He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a Miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit"

[Luci]

 Rather a good one

[Samdy Gray]

This is an invaluable guide......for those of you that are planning to venture into the darkest depths of Essex and Medway
 
alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item

amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")

assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc

awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day")

branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?")

cort a panda - A rather large hamburger

Dan in the maff - Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit Dan in the maff")

eye-eels - Women's shoes

Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre

garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: "Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper")

Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island

lafarjik - Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")

OI OI! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs

paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport

reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig")

Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday

tan - The city of London, the big smoke

webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ("Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour")

wonnid - 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police

zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ("I told ya a fazzand times already")

[BANGKOK RED]

This is an invaluable guide......for those of you that are planning to venture into the darkest depths of Essex and Medway
 
alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an item

amant - Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")

assband - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc

awss - A four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost ("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver t'day")

branna - More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?")

cort a panda - A rather large hamburger

Dan in the maff - Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit Dan in the maff")

eye-eels - Women's shoes

Furrock - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre

garrij - A building where a car is kept or repaired(Trace: "Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs at go in the garrij cos it aint working proper")

Ibeefa - Balaeric holiday island

lafarjik - Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")

OI OI! - Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during banging dance tunes at clubs

paipa - The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport

reband - The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from Craig")

Saffend - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday

tan - The city of London, the big smoke

webbats - Querying the location something or someone is. ("Webbats is me dole card Trace? I've gotta sign on in arf hour")

wonnid - 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police

zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is. ("I told ya a fazzand times already")

Ace.

Have you seen the blue collar comedy tour.

Redneck vocabulary:

Inititiate: My wife ate a Half pounder, a quarter pounder initiate (And then she ate) a rack of ribs.

The blue collar comedy tour can be found on a torrent, i recommendy.

[Bedford Red]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring  at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a Pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
 
 He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a Miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, "Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit"

 

[land_of_bo]

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
 
Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
 
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
 
Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!
 
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt.
 
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again..
 
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
 
Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

[reeves4england]

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
 
Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
 
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
 
Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!
 
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt.
 
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again..
 
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
 
Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

[BANGKOK RED]

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
 
Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
 
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
 
Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!
 
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt.
 
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again..
 
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
 
Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

 

Nice one. I work with an Ozzie girl, she'd appreciate that.

[neville w]

A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
 
Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
 
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
 
Kin ya breathe?' asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!
 
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt.
 
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again..
 
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
 
Bazza said in admiration 'Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it.'

 

Nice one. I work with an Ozzie girl, she'd appreciate that.

Make sure she's choking first !

[dell boy]

Friday joke on a Sunday......


A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, “I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.”

The guy obeys and says, “99!”

The doctor says, “Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.”

Again, the guy says, “99.”

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I’m going to check for a hernia, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your groin with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.”

 

The guy begins, “One, two, … .

[neville w]

Not Friday, but someone's just sent me this...

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.  So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.  After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
 

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.  So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?
 

But there was no answer from his new Pet.  This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'
 

But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet.  So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.  He decided to ask him one more time.  This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there!

Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time!  I'm putting my fucking shoes on!'

[jim]

What's the difference between a camera and a sock?

a camera takes photos and a sock takes five.