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Author Topic: Friday Joke Thread  (Read 182449 times)
digby

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« Reply #750 on: Monday, October 31, 2016, 19:57:25 »


What's the wettest thing in the world?



............I thought it was a cucumber in a woman's prison !!
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Peter Venkman
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« Reply #751 on: Monday, November 7, 2016, 15:32:45 »

I was playing Football Manager last night when I got offered the Leeds Utd job.

I didn't like the thought of working with such a poor team with an idiot Chairman/owner so I declined the offer, hung up the phone and carried on playing Footbal Manager.
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Pete

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« Reply #752 on: Monday, November 7, 2016, 17:39:59 »

I was in a Liverpool pub recently and there was a pub quiz going on. I'd had too much to drink, so for a laugh I wrote "Steven Gerrard" or "The Beatles" for every other answer. I came second.
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« Reply #753 on: Monday, November 7, 2016, 17:58:11 »

A Texan walks into a bar in Ireland and whacks down $5,000 dollars on the bar. "You Irish think you're so good at drinking? Well let's see if you really can. $5,000 dollars says you can't drink 12 pints of Guinness after another".

Nobody takes up the challenge, lots of people look away and one guy even leaves.

30 minutes later, the guy that left returns and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Top of the morning to ya. Is that bet still on?". "Sure is", said the Texan, at which point the Irishman proceeds to neck all 12 pints one after the other without even pausing.

"Well, a bet's a bet", said the Texan. "Here's your money but let me ask, why did you walk out of the pub when I first laid down the challenge?"

"Well", said the Irishman. "I popped down to the pub down the road to see if I could do it first"
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Stevens

« Reply #754 on: Monday, November 7, 2016, 18:28:36 »

I was in a Liverpool pub recently and there was a pub quiz going on. I'd had too much to drink, so for a laugh I wrote "Steven Gerrard" or "The Beatles" for every other answer. I came second.

Very good.
If you had added Gerry and the Pacemakers every third, you would have won!!!
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Red Frog
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« Reply #755 on: Friday, November 18, 2016, 10:12:39 »

Went to the zoo this week. It only had one dog. It was a shih tzu.
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Bewster

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« Reply #756 on: Friday, November 18, 2016, 11:25:15 »

How to tell the sex of an ant :

Drop it into a glass of water - if it sink its a girl ant, if it float its a boy ant.

 No
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Peter Venkman
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« Reply #757 on: Saturday, November 19, 2016, 12:48:01 »

The woman that injected her 8 year old daughter with botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

The child did not look surprised.
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Clem Morfuni is our friend
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Clem Morfuni is our friend
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Sir Cliff Pipehard

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« Reply #758 on: Friday, December 9, 2016, 19:11:47 »

A blokes having a big row with his wife as he keeps coming home from the pub,pissed,with sick down his shirt.
"If you come home like that again,I'm gonna leave you" she says.
Later that night in the pub,he gets totally fucked again and the inevitable happens.
"What am I gonna do now,my Mrs will leave me" he says to his mate.
"I've got an idea" says his mate.
"Why don't you put a £20 note in your top pocket,and say to her some bloke was sick over you in the pub and he gave you the £20 as payment to cover cleaning?"
 
So,later that night,he staggers home to his wife
On seeing him,she says "Right,that's it! I'm leaving you,you filthy bustard!"
"Wait!" he says. "Some bloke was sick over me in the pub,look! He left £20 in my top pocket to cover the cleaning!"
His wife pulls the money out of his top pocket."But there's  £40 here? " she says.

"Yeah" he says.

"The other £20 was from the bloke who shat in my pants"

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bamboohoomyavatar

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« Reply #759 on: Tuesday, July 28, 2020, 01:15:10 »

I used to date this absolutely gorgeous Dutch girl who was constantly telling me
"Bamboo, I have a Veet problem!"

I didn't think it was any issue to be honest. Much safer than shaving I thought and she was smoother than otter anyway. I ended up leaving her though because the lazy fucker would never lift a finger around the house. Turns out she's a complete stoner.
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« Reply #760 on: Wednesday, July 29, 2020, 01:32:06 »

I think baby "jokes" are pretty shit, especially from the initiator of such. About as funny as the jokes about elephants you get in '1001 Bumper Jokes'. But yeah, baby jokes...never liked them. They just aren't funny. Not even in that "look at me I pushed the boundaries" funny/shock kind of way.


Btw, my "Veet" joke. Yeah I made it up. I swear if I hear Phil Jupitus performing it though...  Wink

Guess the TEF isn't the place for testing out new/original material or convincing people you dated a gorgeous blonde Dutch girl. I guess zo is het.

Side note, talking of Jupitus (I know some on here know him quite well)...did any of you here ever have any kind of friendship with Steven Wells?
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jayohaitchenn
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« Reply #761 on: Wednesday, July 29, 2020, 08:02:16 »

My brother is called Steven Wells...
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Red Frog
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« Reply #762 on: Wednesday, July 29, 2020, 08:29:17 »

Am I getting old? I haven't understood any of the last three posts.
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Tout ce que je sais de plus sūr ą propos de la moralité et des obligations des hommes, c'est au football que je le dois. - Albert Camus
ibelieveinmrreeves
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« Reply #763 on: Wednesday, July 29, 2020, 09:39:47 »

Yeah the Veet one was totally lost on me.
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jayohaitchenn
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« Reply #764 on: Wednesday, July 29, 2020, 10:21:50 »

I got the veet one, but it wasn't funny.

Veet apparently = weed in a Dutch accent?
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