My late night thread

[Flashheart]

Can't sleep, so I'll to you a story....

It was about stupid o'clock A.M. I noticed this banging sound. This being Thailand such noises at unsociable hours are not a rarity so I just tried to ignore it at first. After about 30 minutes or so however, it was becoming a bit too much so I went out onto my balcony to have a butchers. From my balcony I couldn't see at first where the noise was coming from, but I did notice other people were also out on their balconies to see what the commotion was all about. Then I noticed her........

On a balcony in the apartment block opposite me I noticed a middle aged woman, who appeared to be dressed in only a towel, banging the fuck out of a balcony door with a pestle making a right royal racket. It was easy to see what had happened: She had had a shower, gone to the balcony to get something in just her towel and the door closed behind her. Whether as an accident, some prank or maybe something more malicious, the door had become locked from the inside and she could not get back in.

I sympathised with her at first, I would not be happy myself in that scenario. Enough was enough however and her noise had to stop. Besides, her current course of action was clearly getting her nowhere so a change of tact was needed. Knowing that with Thai's being Thai's they are unlikely to say anything, I took it upon myself to tell her to stop.

I shouted over and she stopped. She looked mortified at all the people looking at her, as though she had no idea that any of us were there. I Then shouted downstairs to her building's security guard who answered quickly. I half expected him to be asleep but I reckon the woman's racket had woken him also but instead of doing something about it, he just sat there doing absolutely nowt. (This is Thailand) My logic behind shouting to the security guard was simple. He'd have access to a key and would be able to let her in by opening the door via rocket science logic. He rushed out into the car park and looked up toward her apartment balcony to recon his task at which point she did the oddest thing.........

She hid.

She literally hid so that the security guard couldn't see her, crouching down out of sight on her balcony. I could still just about see her from my angle, but the security guard had no chance from where he was. I can only think that she did what she did out of embarrassment and rather than speak to the security guard who could help her out, she chose to hide instead.

Now this security guard was clearly not the sharpest tool in the shed and just sat back down again. It was clear that he would need to be given step by step instructions and it wouldn't be long before balcony lady would start up trying to break down the door with pestle. I Then shouted down to the security guard of my building whom to be fair, is a bit more savvy. Without instruction he went over to his counterpart and explained what should be done. You could physically see the point where the penny dropped for the other guy and he rushed off, in a panicked fashion, to find a key.

Had I or somebody else not helped her, I reckon she'd still be trying to bash that door down today. Dumb cow

[Bogus Dave]

Fuckong asians

[SuggWillSugg MBE]

Thats way too long a story to read in my current drunken and tired state...

[china red]

Fucking hilarious.  Although being woken up at stupid o'clock would not have been very nice.

[Hammer]

Dearest Flashheart,

What with psychotic pestle-wielding females and legless bomb-carrying terrorists roaming your neighbourhood, have you never thought of .....errm......moving to a more salubrious location ?

I hear that Blackbird Leys is quite pleasant as springtime encroaches. Plenty of grass for the kids, redundant needles lying dormant beneath the ever-growing swathes of pine trees and the sweet scent of poppy flowers wafting through the air as the plants mature. There are no bombs.

OK, you may occasionally hear a dull thud as the terrain makes contact with a mortar, yet, I can assure you the neighbourhood is relatively pestle-free. Worth considering.

[Simon Pieman]

When I lived in Cardiff for a bit there was a party going on upstairs in the block of apartments I lived in. The noise died down considerably after 1.30am, but being the weekend I often stayed up late anyway.

So I went for a fag on the balcony a little bit later and heard a shuffling sound above. This became louder and suddenly a pair of legs was dangling from above. Within moments a bloke had landed on my balcony and asked if he could get out via my front door.

Scared the shit out of me, but I like to think he was out there for ages before he did that stunt. I'm surprised he didn't slip and fall to his death though the mad man.