The Friday Joke Thread

[tans]

Trying to lighten the mood up around here so here goes:

What do pikeys and fags have in common?

a)They always come in packs of 10 or 20
b)They stink
c) They are barred from all pubs.

I just thought that up  

[Panda Paws]

"I bought a teddy today for £5, named him
Mohammed then sold him on for £10. Question
is, have I made a prophet?"

[dell boy]

Sean Connery
was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,


and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says,
'Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, 'If you think that was good,
let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.

But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand'.
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says 'Okay'.

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex
yet. You'll have to.......'

'I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again.  No problem hun'.
Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks
'Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin  yer balls in one hand
and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?'

Sean replies, 'No, not at all Cilla,

but the last time I shlept with a scouser,
the bitch stole ma wallet !'

[Luci]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said,” You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just
what do those symbolize?"

 



The man replied, "These are Carols."

[STFC4LIFE]

Two men at airpot.
First man says ' I cant find my wife'
Second says ' I can't find mine either, what does yours look like? '
First man says ' She's 6ft tall, blonde, big tits, long legs, mini skirt, high heels and a boob tube. What does yours look like? '
Second man says ' Fuck her, we'll look for yours. '

[timmyg]

Why was the beach wet?


Because the seaweed!

 

[dell boy]

Why was the beach wet?


Because the seaweed!