Today's Derren Brown moment

The day started off quite nicely but then my mrs' decides she is going to paint her Mum & Dad's bathroom and when she say's 'she is going to...' she always means 'we are going to...' so my mood rant is already beginning.

I manage to stall my involvement by offering to walk the dogs which she buys into so I've given myself an extra 20 minutes of me time.

I just get myself back from the walk and she wants me to get some stuff from B&Q on the way over which is fine but winds me up a little more.

Anyway, I get the dogs in the car and start driving over to Swindon, I'm feeling a bit peckish so i figure I'll stop at the Woodshaw Tesco's and get a drink and a sandwich.

I get to the roundabout between the Old Town Local and the shop and just as I'm turning right this cunt in a flat bed lorry comes hurtling round the corner and misses the front of my car by about 6 inches - he's going so fast as he exits the roundabout he crosses to the other side of the road and narrowly misses a car coming the other way with a mother and young children it. Quite rightly she sounds her horn to which the driver sticks his V's up.

Now this cunt has got my back up, I was seathing about have to decorate to have an arrogant prick like that nearly wipe me and others out set my blood boiling, this cunt was going to get it... Then I remembered I was hungry and I could spend hours chasing the prick by which time I would have forgotten about it so decided to let it go and get my food.

So I indicate left to go into tesco and low and behold he does the same... game on, no lengthy fucking car chases if he parks up in Tesco's he going to fucking have some.

Sure enough he pulls into the car park... fucking bliss - he parks up and jumps out of the van and before I've had chance to get out of my car he's inside.. FUCKER! Hang on a minute, what's this? He jumped out and left the engine running... what a twat, clearly he's in a rush, maybe he needs to slow down a bit so figured a little inconvenience would have greater impact that me beating seven bells of shit out of the cunt .

Without a moments thought I find myself waking towards the white van, getting in it and driving off - now I've done nothing like this before but knew I couldn't go far as I had the dogs in my motor so simply drove it round the back of Tesco's out of sight removed the bunch of house keys from the van key, left the engine running and shut the door and casualy walked back to get my sandwich and drink. As I came round the corner, cunt face was just coming out of Tesco's unwrapping his packet of cigarettes so wasn't really paying attention to the fact his van was no longer there. As he reached out to open the door (which clearly wasn't there) the moment of realisation dawned on him - his face was a fucking picture and coupled with a bemused bit of head scratching he had been stopped in his tracks.

Considering I still had his house keys I figured I had better make sure he wasn't going to see his dying mother which in some way would justify driving like a prick so as I walk passed I say to him "You alright mate?" to which I get the unsurprising reply "No, some cunts nicked my van!"

Me: "Really?! Fuck that's a bummer - what does it look like?"
Him: "It's a white flatbed with a ladder on the back"
Me: "You're joking, those cunts just cut me up and nearly caused an accident out there - fuck they must have been quick to nick it that fast - at least you weren't stupid enough to leave your keys in the ignition. Did you need to be anywhere important?"
Him (with a very red face): "No, I just popped out to get some cigarettes - I can't fucking believe it"
Me: "Well, I hope you find it soon mate... I've just got to get a sandwich myself and pop something in the letterbox, see you later"

If anybody works for the post office his keyring had one of those £10 reward thingy's on it... have a look in the post box by Tesco's and you can claim it back and meet the cunt for yourself...

If you want a white flat bed (assuming he hasn't located it himself) it's round the back of Tesco's in Woodshaw.

Finally, Derren, if this is you making me do this then thank you it felt fucking superb and one of the best adrenalin rushes since I left the Police.

My only regret is not videoing it... or maybe Derren did that for me....