WHERE DOES ALL THIS SWINDON TOWN SNOBBERY COME FROM

There was a time,

a time before cable,

when the local anchorman

reigned supreme,

when people believed
everything they heard on TV.
This was an age when only men
were allowed to read the news.
And in San Diego, one anchorman
was more man than the rest.
His name was Ron Burgundy.
He was like a god
walking amongst mere mortals.
He had a voice that could
make a wolverine purr,
and suits so fine
they made Sinatra
look like a hobo.
In other words,
Ron Burgundy was the balls.
Mmm. I look good.
I mean, really good.
Hey, everyone!
Come and see how good I look!
Mm, ehh, mm.
Ribs. I had ribs for lunch.

That's why I'm doing this.

How now brown cow.

How now brown cow.

How now brown cow.

How are you?

You look awfully nice tonight. Hmm?

Maybe don't wear

a bra next time.

No, I was talking to you.

No, not her.

I don't know her name.

What is it?

Lanolin?

La-lanolin?

Like sheep's wool?

Unique New York.

Unique New York.

Mm, I love Scotch.

I love Scotch.

Scotchy, Scotch, Scotch.

Here it goes down.

Down into my belly.

Mm-mm-mm.

The arsonist

has oddly shaped feet.

How much time?

? seconds?

- You are on.

- I'm on right now?

I don't believe you.

Ron!

Oh, come on. Audrey.

I look like hell.

I got bags under my eyes.

What's that?

If you were a man,

I'd punch you right

in the mouth.

That's bush.

Bush league.

The human torch was denied

a bank loan.

You hear me?

Audrey, look at me!

I'm sorry.

All right?

I'm sorry.

Ha ha!

Ha ha ha ho!

Ha ha ho.

Ha oh!

All right, we're on.

Ready, Phil.

We're on in five, four...

When the clock struck :

it meant one thing

for Ron Burgundy

and his news team:

Go time.

Channel News,

Channel News,

with five-time

Emmy award-winning anchor

Ron Burgundy.

Champ Kind, sports.

Ooh! Hoo-hoo!

Brick Tamland, weather.

And your reporter in the field,

Brian Fantana.

It's Channel News

at :.

Good evening.

I'm Ron Burgundy,

and this is what's happening

in your world tonight.

A La Jolla man clings to life

at a university hospital

after being viciously attacked

by a pack of wild dogs

in an abandoned pool.

Hey, everybody! Shut the hell up!

Ron Burgundy's on!

Authorities are still

uncertain as to why the man

- was loitering...

- Ron Burgundy.

Oh, my gosh!

She said her first words!

Right now it's *

in our fair city,

and compare that to *

in the upper Northwest

and *

in the Middle East.

Off the coast

of Tampa Bay yesterday,

one lucky cameraman

happened to catch

an unusual

aquatic daredevil.

What you're about to see

is a Channel News exclusive.

His name is

Nutty the Squirrel,

and he's three years old.

How 'bout that?

That squirrel

can water-ski.

- Man, that's hilarious.

- Yeah, that's good.

For all of us here

at News Center

I'm Ron Burgundy.

You stay classy,

San Diego.

You stay classy, San Diego.

Listen up.

The ratings just came in for last month.

We are number one.

We just grabbed every key demographic.

- Super-duper, gang!

- Yeah! Yeah!

Super-duper!

That's nice!

Way to go!

Neat-o, gang.

- Yes!

- Boy, Ed.

That is good news.

I gotta be honest.

- Congrats, congrats.

- That is good news!

- All right!

- Stick around.

Make sure these guys

don't party too much.

- They don't really ever listen to me.

- Just get it done.

Ladies and gentlemen,

can I please have your attention?

Ladies and gentlemen,

can I please have your attention?

I've just been handed

an urgent

and horrifying news story.

I need all of you

to stop what you're doing

and listen.

Cannonball!

Yes, these fellas were a real news team.

Burgundy, of course,

was the foundation, the rock.

But each member brought their own

special something to the equation.

People call me

the Bri-man.

I'm the stylish one

of the group.

I know what

you're asking yourself,

and the answer is yes,

I have a nickname for my penis.

It's called the Octagon.

But I also nicknamed

my testes.

My left one

is James Westfall,

and my right one is

Dr. Kenneth Noisewater.

You ladies play your cards right,

you might get to meet the whole gang.

Bang, boom, they were

showing lasers

every Friday night.

Champ here.

I'm all about havin' fun.

You know, get a couple

of cocktails in me,

start a fire

in someone's kitchen.

Maybe go to SeaWorld,

take my pants off.

Anyway, I've become

kind of famous

for my signature catchphrase,

"Whammy!"

As in, "Gene Tenace

at the plate...

and whammy!"

Whammy!

I'm Brick Tamland.

People seem to like me

because I am polite

and I'm rarely late.

I like to eat ice cream,

and I really enjoy

a nice pair of slacks.

Years later,

a doctor will tell me

that I have an IQ of

and am what some people call

"mentally retarded."

Hello!

- Whoo! Marco!

- Polo!

- Brian.

- You having a good time?

- I'm having a great time.

- That makes two of us.

You've gotta meet this girl.

She used to be a Charger cheerleader,

but she broke her pelvis.

Sherri,

meet Ron Burgundy.

- Hey, Ron.

- Hello.

- I've got a big story for you.

- Mm-hmm.

And it's right here.

Well, hello.

You pointed to your boobies.

Oh, my God, you did!

- Ron Burgundy?

- Yes?

I have had a crush on you

since I was a little girl.

Let's go somewhere.

I'm telling you, it don't

get no better than this.

We've been coming

to the same party for years,

and in no way

is that depressing.

Ahh.

By the beard of Zeus!

Excuse me.

Ron, where you going?

What, are you crazy? Ron!

If you're coming down the baseline,

you gotta take home plate from me!

So there I go,

head first, boom!

I've lost her.

Ohh.

Hello.

Hello.

Hope I'm not disturbing

you, but, uh,

I saw you from across

the party, and, uh,

I don't usually do this, but I felt

compelled to tell you something.

You have...

an absolutely

breathtaking...

heinie.

I mean, that thing is good.

I want to be friends with it.

Well, you certainly know

how to compliment a woman.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Do you know who I am?

No, I can't say that I do.

I don't know how to put this,

but I'm kind of a big deal.

Really?

People know me.

I've very happy for you.

I'm very important.

I have...

many leather-bound books,

and my apartment

smells of rich mahogany.

I... I'm friends

with Merlin Olsen, too.

He comes over on occasion.

That's stupid.

No, no, that's...

very exciting.

Listen, can I...

can I start over again?

Sure.

I wanna say something.

I'm gonna put it out there.

If you like it,

you can take it.

If you don't,

send it right back.

Mm-hmm.

I wanna be on you.

Wait. Wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait.

I...

I wanna be on you.

Yoo-hoo!

Baxter!

Papa's home.

There he is.

There's my little man.

You're okay?

Of course I met

a lady tonight.

This one was different.

I have to be honest.

Quite different.

What...

I'm lonely?

I'm not lonely!

I'm beloved by everyone

in San Diego.

Wow.

You know how to cut

to the core of me, Baxter.

You're so wise.

You're like

a miniature Buddha

covered in hair.

Come again?

You know I don't speak Spanish.

In English, please.

Huh?

You pooped in the refrigerator?

And you ate a whole wheel of cheese?

How'd you do that?

I'm not even mad.

That's amazing.

I forgive you.

What do you say we get you

in your pj's and hit the hay?

Bedtime. Okay, come on.

Let's go. Come on.

Oh, that was one

crazy party.

I am hung over.

Tell me about it.

I woke up this morning

and I shit a squirrel.

I mean it.

Literally.

Hell of it is,

damn thing's still alive.

So I got this

shit-covered squirrel

down there in the office.

Don't know what to name it.

I'm sorry, Champ.

I think I ate

your chocolate squirrel.

All right, guys.

Let's focus up.

Morning, everyone.

Here are the stories

we're going to be chasing today.

It looks like Ling Wong,

the rare panda

at the San Diego Zoo, is pregnant.

This is a big one.

This could be the big

story of the summer.

Network is gonna be wanting

plenty of coverage.

And speaking of network,

word on the street is

they're looking

for a new anchor.

- So, Ron...

- Huh? Network?

Are they here?

A lot of you have been hearing

the affiliates complaining

about a lack of diversity

on the news team.

What in the hell's diversity?

Well, I could be wrong,

but I believe diversity

is an old, old wooden ship

that was used

during the Civil War era.

I would be surprised

if the affiliates were concerned

about the lack

of an old wooden ship,

Burgundy!

Today we spell redemption

R-O-N.

Burgundy!

Burgundy!

Ron, you're my hero!

Ron, I think you've got

a story to report.

Are you sure, Ed?

Do it.

It's the story

you were born to tell.

San Diego's waiting.

Go get 'em.

Make way!

Ron Burgundy's about

to report on pandas!

Count me down.

Three.

You're live, Mr. Burgundy.

This is Ron Burgundy,

proudly reporting once again

for Channel News.

Today's story is one

of the more remarkable things

ever to happen

to San Diago

or even the world.

But in order

to properly retell it,

I'm going to need

some help

from my co-anchor,

Miss Veronica Corningstone.

- High-pressure system...

- No, no, no, no, Brick.

- High-pressure system...

- Go stand over there.

Oh, Ron.

Ron, there are literally

thousands of men

that I should

be with instead,

Yes, redemption

was sweet for Ron Burgundy.

Yes!

Ron!

- As for the news team:

- Stop it! Ron!

Champ Kind went on to become

a commentator for the NFL,

but was later fired

after being accused

of sexual harassment

by Terry Bradshaw.

Excuse me.

Is that Sex Panther

you're wearing?

Brian Fantana went on

to have great success

as the host of the hit

reality TV show

"Intercourse Island"

on the Fox Network.

Anyone seen Brick?

- Brick?

- Don't! That tickles!

No, that tickles me!

Come on!

Brick Tamland

is married with children

and is one of the top

political advisors

to the Bush White House.

I'm gonna get you!

I'm gonna get you!

And Ron and Veronica

didn't stay in San Diego long.

I chose them

as my replacement,

and they became the first

mixed-gender network news team,

and they're still

doing it today.

From all of us here

at the World News Center,

I'm Veronica Corningstone.

And I'm Ron Burgundy.

You stay classy, planet Earth.

Oh!

Great Odin's raven!

Oh!

By the hammer of Thor!

Oh!

Saint Damien's beard!

Sweet grandmother's spatula!

Oh! Hot pot of coffee!

Uncle Jonathan's

corncob pipe!

I'm gonna shoot you with a BB gun

when you're not looking.

In the back of the head.

I'm sorry.

You're not very bright.

You know that, right?

You're actually

quite a dullard.

Everyone here knows it.

If I'm a dullard,

you're the, uh, the dull...

Oh! Can't think of

anything to say, can you?

Yes, I can. I can think

of a lot of things to say.

Like, you're a dirty bitch.

Well, Ron, I'm gonna

put poison...

Oh, my God!

I drank a lava lamp.

It wasn't lava.

I ate a whole bunch

of fiberglass insulation.

It wasn't cotton candy

like that guy said.

My stomach's itchy.

I pooped a hammer.

I pooped

a tape recorder.

I pooped

a Cornish game hen.

Uh...

Nope.

You do not take

a tone with me,

'cause I will give you a rap right

on the Jack Johnson!

- Okay.

- Yes.

Now this

is happenin'.

What are

you doing?

- Hah!

- What are you doing?

What are you...

Action.

We'll go back to doing

what I do best...

I guess we'll go back to doing

what I do best, show off.

When do we

get started?

When do we get started?

- That's my line.

- When do we get started?

You say,

"Whenever you like."

Whenever you like.

Keep it rollin'.

This is good stuff.

...an area bank

in a daring...

Probably not the same one.

Probably not the same guy.

Brick, before I let you go,

are you still having your celebrity

golf tournament this summer?

No, too many people

died last year.

So we're not gonna do...

Sorry. Sorry.

They named it

San Diego.

Which in German means,

"a whale's vagina."

This is the most

ridiculous thing ever.

Way to handle him.

That was nice.

It sure is good

to be number one.

It sure beats the hell

out of number two.

We are laughing!

And we are

very good friends.

Good buddies sharing

a special moment.

Don't say anything, Ron.

Just let it happen.

We're laughing,

enjoying our friendship.

And someday we'll look back

on this with much fondness.

Yeah.

Yeah.