A chuckle for Thursday

[Fred Elliot]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are  things  people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that   morning?


WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
 
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
 
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
 
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
 
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
 
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
 
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
 
WITNESS: Yes.
 
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
 
WITNESS: I forget.
 
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you   forgot?

___________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
 
WITNESS: We both do.
 
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
 
WITNESS: We do.
 
ATTORNEY: You do?
 
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
 
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his   sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
 
____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
 
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
 
___________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
 
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
 
WITNESS: Yes.
 
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
 
WITNESS: getting laid
 
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
 
WITNESS: Yes.
 
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
 
WITNESS: None.
 
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
 
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
 
WITNESS: By death.
 
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
 
WITNESS: Take a guess.
 
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
 
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
 
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
 
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
 
_____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition  notice which I sent to your attorney?

 WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
 
______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead  people?
 
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
 
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you goto?

WITNESS: Oral.
 
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
 
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
 
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
 
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
 
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
 
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
 
______________________________________
 
And the best for last:
 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.
 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
 
WITNESS: No.
 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
 
WITNESS: No.
 
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you  began the autopsy?

 WITNESS: No.
 
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
 
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
 
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and   practicing law

[Barry Scott]

Haha, they're fucking ace.

[Ginginho]

Hahaha, I love this one!

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you goto?

WITNESS: Oral.

[Nemo]

Deny everything Baldrick.

[dell boy]

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
 
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

 

[Langers]

They are ace.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
 
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

 

[DMR]

The last one is class

[land_of_bo]

(Several interviewers reported some of the more memorable antics of their interviewees)
1. "... said he was so well-qualified that if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent."
2. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
3. "... brought her large dog to the interview."
4. "... chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles."
5. "Candidate kept giggling through serious interview."
6. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
7. "Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
8. "Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle."
9. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
10. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office."
11. "Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview."
12. "Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president."
13. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
14. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
15. "... wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police."
16. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
17. "... had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him."
18. "... bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet."
19. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
20. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
21. "Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer I had made was formal."
22. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
23. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."
24. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
25. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
26. "An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus."
27. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."
28. "He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped."
29. "He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time."
30. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."
31. "He whistled when the interviewer was talking."
32. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."
33. "... she threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened."
34. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."
35. "... asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview."

[jonny72]

34. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

I can't stop laughing at that, which feels wrong given all the terrorism and shit going on in the world.

[Ginginho]

I can't stop laughing at that, which feels wrong given all the terrorism and shit going on in the world.

Lighten up, jonny. Inappropriate or offensive humour is the best kind of humour.

[jayohaitchenn]

Jonny = huge cunt.

Seriously I've never disliked someone who I haven't met before, more.

Cunt.

[Fred Elliot]

word

[Barry Scott]

Jonny = huge cunt.

Seriously I've never disliked someone who I haven't met before, more.

Cunt.

Of late Jay O'Haitchenn, I've never liked someone more than you - who i haven't met. (FUCK OFF TWAT should be your forum title in honour of your candour.)

[jayohaitchenn]

I'm easily riled