Exclusive from BS3 – Messi deal off
In a dramatic press conference called at Ashton Gate this morning, Bristol City manager Gary Johnson confirmed that he had pulled the plug on the Lionel Messi deal.
The Argentine hotshot was available on a free from Catalan giants Barcelona and had passed a medical and agreed terms with the North Somerset club when Johnson made the unexpected announcement.
The City boss, seated next to Chairman Steve Lansdown who had his head in his hands and appeared to be emitting a gentle sobbing sound throughout the proceedings, said:
“I’ve made my decision with the best interests of the club at heart. Messi didn’t show the requisite loyalty that I demand from my players. He had the effrontery to suggest that he may leave in the future which is unacceptable. Here at Bristol City we have one of the best funeral expenses plans of any football club and I fully expect all of my players to dedicate their entire lives, and those of their families and pets, to the club.”
A clearly tired and emotional Johnson ranted: “There are other reasons for not signing Messi. For starters he’s Argentine and I for one have not forgiven them for invading the Falklands in 1982, a year I might hasten to add, that no-one connected to the club wants to be reminded of. In addition, Messi gave my pet Chihuahua Milly a funny look. Finally, he might well score goals which will upset our other strikers and cause rancour in the changing room – it is of paramount importance that the Zen-like harmony I have established is maintained at all costs. Hare, Hare Krishna, Hare, Hare, Hare Krishna”
Johnson’s mood visibly brightened when he was asked about rumours he was tracking another European striker: “I think the fans are going to like him, I mean really like him. Ooh, they’ll absolutely love him.”
When pressed on the mystery targetman’s identity Johnson said “Alright then, it’s Roma’s Benito Mussolini. He’ll be a strong character in the dressing room and has the kind of discipline that I need from my players, also he won’t score too many goals as he’s been dead for 65 years, so he won’t upset the applecart.”
Our reporter tried to track down City’s other strikers for comment but Dele Adebola was with the local farrier having his hooves cleaned in preparation for the coming season and Steve Brooker was in Southmead Hospital having his head reattached after a freak papercut accident.
However, we did catch up with Lee Trundle in McDonalds at Asda Bedminster, slumped in the corner surrounded by empty Big Mac wrappers.
When asked whether he’d heard the news about the Messi deal on the TV or the internet, Trundle replied “What’s a net?”
It made me chuckle
