Tax return letter (Good 'un)

[shady]

Dear Mr (named person was here),

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.   I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter".    It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand".    This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always,  for reasons of accuracy,  traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted.    However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers"  might indicate that your decision to  "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies"  is at best a little ill-advised.    In common with my own organisation,  it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity".    More likely they see you as a citizen of the United Kingdom, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point.   Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay  "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services",  a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party"  yourself.    The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation,  whilst colourful,  are,  in fairness,  a little off the mark.     Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles"  and  "dancing ****s"  whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to,  for example,  "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write  "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that  "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing else to give"  has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant,  the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped.   In the meantime,  whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other,  I ought to point out that even if you did choose to  "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India"  you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday..

Yours sincerely,
XYZ (was a named person here)
Customer Relations
Inland Revenue

[oxford_fan]

It must be fake - the Inland Revenue don't possess the wit to compose that, surely?

[Simon Pieman]

It's a spoof letter written by a columnist a number of years ago (from the Guardian I think)

[Ardiles]

Which brings me to my next point.   Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay  "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services",  a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party"  yourself.    The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation,  whilst colourful,  are,  in fairness,  a little off the mark.     Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles"  and  "dancing ****s"  whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to,  for example,  "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

Whenever I see the word 'lickspittle', I think of George Galloway.  And when I think of George Galloway, I'm prepared to forgive the fact that he's an egotist and a narcisist - because I think of this, one of the finest examples of political theatre I have ever seen.  This was the day George took a few US Neo-cons down a peg or two.  They were expecting capitulation and, instead, they got thumped.  I'll never tire of watching this.

[Spencer_White]

that was the performance of his life. Fair play.

[leefer]

Any fucker who counts a mass murderer like Sadam as a friend shouldn't be in our government....yeah he is a good talker....so was Hitler.
On the plus side he was good on Big Brother

[jimmy_onions]

Not quite the same stakes, but this is a lot of fun as well.

[leefer]

Always amazed me how much he kicked off when we invaded Iraq.....and he made some valid points.

But he didn't say a word when Iraq invaded Kuwait...not a Dickie Bird

[shady]

I find him at the same time infuriating and compelling listening. For anyone who doesn't know, he's on TalkSport 10pm-1am Friday nights. My favourite term he uses is "you're a gutter-snipe and a chimmney sweep"