Shortlist

Now that Fitton has ruled out so many of the rumoured candidates I have started to look further afield and have found a number of big names that could well fancy becoming our new manager:

Carol Vorderman - Has just left Countdown so would be available immediately with no compensation required. Has the loyalty we are crying out for having stayed with the same show for 25 years. Should have no problem getting formations right and might sort out the conundrum of our under performimg defence. The downside might be having to sell Coxy in the transfer window to cover the cost of her wardrobe budget. Assistant Manager - Des O'Connor

George W Bush - Available in January just in time to invade the transfer market. Has already proved astute in this area capturing a number of key foreigners currently starring for Guantanamo Bay FC. Not popular in his current role but still marginally more successful than Malpas at Motherwell. Assistant Manager - Dick Cheney

Osama Bin Laden - Would be a controversial choice and could be problems getting a work permit from the Home Office. However has proven experience of plotting attacks although these have tended to be aerial so might not endear himself to supporters hoping to see good passing football. Assistant Manager & Goalkeeping Coach - Abu Hamza

Kermit the Frog - Already has experience managing a team of muppets but wage demands and puppet status could count against him. Assistant Manager - Miss Piggy

Orinoco from The Wombles - A successful spell at Wimbledon and has good experience of clearing up a mess created by others. Assistant Manager - Uncle Bulgaria

Jonathan Ross - Currently suspeneded by his club and might be interested if high wage demands can be satisfied. Wouldn't contemplate a relegation battle as couldn't say it. Assistant Manager - Russell Brand

Vladimir Putin - Believed to be an outsider after problems with subs in his current role.

I expect the Adver and WDP to be linking us with some of these candidates in the next couple of days so get your money on at Victor Chandler before they get priced down and betting has to be suspended again.