flammableBen's guide to drunken dancing...

Prologue
I was in the Vic tonight. The DJ was banging out the reggae tunes and I noticed lot's of blokes not really knowing what to do and dancing like idiots, this made me think of the classic blokish drunken dancing techniques and I though I should write up my thoughts for prosperity.

Lesson 1: Pick the beat

This solution to this dilemma depends on the type of music which is playing and the crowd you are sharing your crazy dance moves with. If it's packed out and everyone else is bopping up and down in time then go with the crowd. If you've got a bit of space and doing drunken bloke dancing - which basically consists of various amounts of swaying and changing direction on different beats, then which beats do you change direction with. Lets Way up the possibilities...

EVERY BEAT:
4 changes of direction for every bar of music? You're going to look like a spastic robot. With most songs you've also got the drum hit on the half beats to look out for. That could mean you waving your arms about 8 times a bar of music. You're going to look like a crazy drunk having a fit. Don't do it.

ON THE MAJOR BEATS:
You're looking at the 1st and 3rd of each bar of music (count to 4 to the song), this is great but a bit ordinary. Do this if it's just generic rock or pop.

ON THE OFF BEAT:
This works best if you're wanting to impress a dance instructor. Boom (dance) Boom (dance). Or something. I'm sorry if I've fucked up all the terminology but go on 2 and 4 (if you can still count)

This obviously depends massively on the type and speed of music, and what everybody else is doing. If it sounds like it should be sang by a black man then go for it.

Lesson 2: The fB side shuffle

So you're swaying away and then disaster, you've put too much weight onto one foot, and the inevitability of man down on the dance floor hits. This is the worst possible scenario, you will look like a fool and people will laugh. There's an escape you can learn, but you have to practice it until it becomes instinct (drunk people don't remember things).

When you feel the inevitable leaning all the way to one side, you should put the foot with out the weight on (the off foot), back round behind the on foot and transfer the weight. Then step along again with the on foot. Why not put it round the front I hear you ask? Doing that is a recipe for a disastrous tripping, your on foot will catch the ankle of your off off foot. Leaving disaster and much embarrassment.

This is a skill well worth learning, you can turn your drunken stumblings into crazy dance steps if performed properly.

Lesson 3: This crazy hip-hop stuff has come on and I feel like break dancing

Don't give into to this urge, ever.

Lesson 4: I think I've pulled, this girl is getting all up close and we're dancing slowly

This shouldn't be too much of a problem for you TEFers. If this happens then she's probably far more pissed than you are. However there are a few pointers:

1. Get her off the dance floor as soon as possible. Back to your place, a near by table, the local kebabery, anything. You're drunken swayings aren't going to impress

2. Don't go for the random pelvic thrusts. They can result in injury.

3. Be aware of the music which is playing. If "Smells Like Teen Spirit" comes on then be careful of changing the pace of the dance. Jumping up and down could easily cause some accidental head butting, broken nose action. For most birds that won't count as foreplay.

Epilogue
I hope that helps Ralphy. I'm pretty sure lot's of it makes no sense, but that's life.