Funny Quotes

>>> Quotes from the Edinburgh Festival :
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a
>>> goat.
>>>
>>> Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
>>>
>>> Jimmy Carr
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
>>> bears.
>>>
>>> Chris Addison at the Pleasance
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most
>>> of
>>> our family holidays in Customs.
>>>
>>> Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be
>>> sh*tting herself.
>>>
>>> Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
>>> was never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me
>>> to
>>> sleep at night.
>>>
>>> Susan Murray at the Underbelly
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
>>> people
>>> were given pointed sticks?
>>>
>>> Adam Bloom at the Pleasance
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
>>> was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.
>>>
>>> Susan Murray at the Underbelly
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
>>> because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
>>> flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening...
>>>
>>> Self-raising?"
>>>
>>> Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
>>> the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
>>>
>>> Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
>>> Girl out of Cork...
>>>
>>> Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
>>> Turned
>>> out it was a bloody hoax.
>>>
>>> Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
>>> winner and a loser at the same time.
>>>
>>> Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
>>> hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
>>> the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a
>>> plumber".
>>>
>>> Steven Alan Green at C34
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
>>>
>>> Brendon Burns at the Pleasance
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
>>>
>>> Chris Addison at the Pleasance
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-depreciation - but I'm not
>>> very good at it.
>>>
>>> Arnold Brown at The Stand
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
>>> then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
>>> trained for that.
>>>
>>> Milton Jones at the Underbelly