Thetownend.com

Don't play hard to get if your face is hard to like.

Cheap sausages have their place in a greasy breakfast. Cheap coffee doesn't.

It's called Espresso, not Expresso. This is important. I'm not sure why.

If, in the first 20 posts on a TEF matchday thread you get at least three "we're going to turn it around and win 3-0" (or 4-1, etc.); and three "we're going to pull of a draw", we are going to lose. Put your rent money on it*

* no guarantee.

All valid points.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates. You quite often know what you're going to get next. It's normally through your own bad decisions or being stuck in a habit and being scared of change.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you just can't be bothered to read the bit of paper which tells you which flavour each one is.

You should stop having sugar in your tea and coffee by the time you are an adult.

Likewise, breakfast cereal is for children.

Unsmoked bacon is entirely pointless.

Overcooked scrambled eggs are worse than having no eggs at all. And I like eggs.

Stupid people tend to be the most confident, they have no understanding of the things they might not know.

"Cheese is milk's leap toward immortality."

-Clifton Fadiman

Learn to cook. Well. It will save you money, make you healthier, and makes for cheap dates (and you've already got them back to your place).

Family or celebrity, recognise your role models as humans. Flaws are what make us people.

If you think you have a food allergy, you probably don't. Especially if it's gluten.

Unless you do, and then you really know you do, and know what you can eat and can't eat.

Sometimes you will end up being the sober(er) one. Think of it as penance for all the times you weren't.

All chemical vices are allowed on special occasions. Until the special occasion becomes Tuesday morning before work.

Learn when to say 'no'. But also know that 'yes' is almost always the better option.

Have a local pub that you go to a lot.

Always be nice to bar-staff.

Never let your bollocks dangle in the dust

Don't take the piss out of people who are worse off than you. Always aim up.

If you are over 15 then you shouldn't be spraying yourself with Lynx.

Well done steak is a waste of a cow. Always respect your meat.

Learn from people's mistakes. But just because somebody failed at something, don't underestimate your ability to do the same thing better.

Train journeys are always an excuse to drink overpriced cans of Stella.

If you're really poor, the best alcohol/£ is supermarket own brand cream sherry.

If you can't afford that then at least try to get Frosty Jacks instead of White Ace.

Respect is earned, not just given. Living to an old age doesn't automatically entitle you to it.

Rabbit is a really tasty, easily bred meat. We should all eat more of it.

In times like these, we need flammableBen. Where has he been all these years?

So is Guinea Pig.

The desire for power over your contemporaries is never a good thing. This is why you should never trust anybody who's chosen a career in the police force.

Everybody on cocaine talks about themselves whilst ignoring everybody else. This is fine if everybody is on cocaine because nobody notices.

If you are on cocaine you are doing this even if you try not to.

MDMA is a really great drug.

You are not a good manager if you are not good enough at the work to help out those you are managing.

That answers the question I was asking myself whilst reading this thread this morning.

I wish.

ben + narcotics = flammableben
Ben + alcohol = LNT flammableben
Ben + alcohol + narcotics = ????

Ask him/her out. Even if you've already been friends a while. Especially if you've already been friends a while - they probably feel similar.

Don't do this if you already live with them (students) that can get awkward.

When civilisation breaks down,
and the food runs out,
if you're not willing to eat your pet,
then your neighbours will.

Don't leave the cheese grater in the kitchen after you've used it to scrape the hard skin off your feet.

Explaining why you think something is good, takes much more thought than slagging everything off.

Criticism is good, but don't be that guy who's automatic reaction is that everything is shit. He's lazy and stupid.

If the best you can come up with is "I thought the book was better than the film". Then it's fair to question if you've read the book or seen the film.

Don't be a fussy eater. If you've never been annoyed with friends or dates for being fussy eaters, then it's probably you who's the fussy eater. Grow up.

If you ever have to use the "it was just banter" excuse, then you were 100% being a total dick.

Ben can you teach me to cook?
P.S my baby has to eat overcooked scrambled eggs and I do feel a bit sorry for him!
Your spot on about the Lynx too!!

Only use the bad gendered insults if it really improves the flow of what you are saying.

In the cold autumnal winds, the leaves were piling up against the gate posts. I felt like a frigid cunt.

Always make friends with that odd guy who's turned up the bar and is trying to make conversation. He might be your new best friend ( or me.)

Never advocate a race to the bottom. Instead of saying a group deserves less. realise that another group deserves more.

Your friends and loved ones will rarely, if ever, do something to intentionally hurt you. It's normally out of carelessness. We can all be a bit careless. Carelessness is forgivable.

If they are intentionally hurting you then they shouldn't be friends or loved ones.

A good friend will see you are upset about something, and not dodge the subject out of embarrassment.

The big old-town co-op is a terrible shop by nearly every objectifiable measure. Yet it is still amazing for some reason.

House prices are completely unsustainable and will drop. If your finances rely on that not happening then change something sooner rather than later.

Ironic racism is not even ironically funny.

We've all had moments that we find regretfully embarrassing. Luckily everybody else is too busy worrying about their own regretfully embarrassing moments to think about yours.

You can google anything.

Having a broad if shallow cultural knowledge will help you more day to day than a narrow in depth one.

Yes I've completely forgotten about you shitting your pants in the street, as I'm sure the rest of the long serving TEF members have.


Even flammableBen shitting his pants?

Thanks for that Reg.

Sometimes amazing things happen out of nowhere, but most of the time they don't.

It's more than possible to outrun life. It will eventually stop trying to keep up.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but your own living room.

I just googled flammableBen shitting his pants and this was one of the results. Great tips in that thread too. I hope Danjackson10 got to poo ok

http://thetownend.com/index.php?topic=17850.0

You're just quoting that Baz Luhrmann track now Ben

I was just seeing if anybody would notice. I'm glad you did.

However good you are at something, there's someone out there who is better at it than you. Respect them, and learn from them.

Never apologise for finding somebody attractive. Just don't be creepy about it.

 :)  Dan Jackson showed promise, can we get him back?

NEVER be creepy

Singing in The Rain is an almost perfect film.

You will rarely change someones opinion with facts and figures. Change who they blame instead.

Always be aware of who is profiting from your labour.

Don't be scared to admit that you've outgrown something. It's fine to find the music or films you liked as a teenager a bit embarrassing now.

Think my thread was called "Has anybody seen my clothes" or something.

Be careful round your bits if you've been handling chilis.

It's your day off. If you want to go to the pub in the morning then you can.

But sometimes it's best not to.

It's the content and meaning that is important. If the best written response you can manage to something is correcting spelling or grammar, then you probably shouldn't bother.

Never trust a guy in a wheelchair who has dirty soles of his shoes

BlahblahBen?

Always rent a yacht, never buy one

Always hijack a yacht, never rent one. Then you can leave it where you like when you're finished.

Respect should be compulsory and is there to be preserved, or lost if you are undeserving of it.

Just when I could barely be arsed with STFC and the TEF for the time being, Ben comes back to revive at least one of the two. Make him the new manager and he could do wonders for the other too.

Oooh, I prefer that. Thanks.

Status does not equal respect.

Socially; when out of your depth, just admit to it. Most people will like you more when you admit that you don't know as much as them about: Stuff.

Employment; when out of your depth, watch the guy who knows what he's doing and learn from him. If there isn't one, then nobody knows what they are doing.

Grammatically; learn when not to use semi-colons. But know that you can use what the fuck you want if it still makes something readable. Unless you are a journalist.

It's okay to feel a little bit vindicated sometimes, but never be happy about bad things happening to innocent people.

When looking down on other people, always remember that your successes and failures in life have all been mostly out of your control.

Never blame somebody for not taking opportunities until you look back and count how many you've passed on.

It's not the big conspiracies that are fucking you over, it's all the completely open stuff that's happening to you every day.

If you are out of work, and can afford to be out of work for a while, then definitely look for work, but also enjoy your time off.

Sometimes it's fun to write English sentences in pseudo code.

Whatever town or city you are in, pick somewhere random and you've got about a 90% chance at a better breakfast than Wetherspoons. However they might not be serving alcohol at 9am.

Never be scared to admit you are wrong.

Really. Constantly check everything you believe. If there is enough evidence that you are wrong, then accept it and change your views.

8% of domestic sheep are gay. Good for them.

Always keep a couple of bottles of wine at home to entertain unexpected guests. Or to keep you going on a Sunday night when the shops are shut.

Experimenting is ok. As long as it doesn't get you in to too much trouble.

If you haven't done anything wrong then always stand your ground.

People can identify with whatever gender they want to. Respect that.

People who judge you for drinking alone are just pretending to be happier than you.

Never let a relationship become like gangrene, eating way at you and all your existence is spent fighting it.

Black Pudding is fucking amazing, and if you're screemish about pig's blood, then you probably shouldn't be eating pig.

Listen to more Radio4 than you probably should. It's ok to turn off for the afternoon play and the Archers.

Don't listen to Radio2. It'll make you really boring.

If you watch a lot of stuff on ITV then you are the sort of 'chav' that people have been slagging off.

That doesn't mean you are a bad person.

Never argue with short people, they are all fucking crazy.

If you're unhappy. Stop. Work out why. Change it. Carry on.

Face up to your own mortality. You are going to die someday.

Find the advice of a complete pisshead entertaining, but don't follow your life by it.

Don't ignore athletes foot.

If you have to justify the ends by the means, then it probably means that the means were a bit mean.

Sometimes it's best to go to bed.

Don't convince yourself by going to bed an hour earlier the night after the clocks change that you will wake up at your 'normal' time.It means you end up reading TEF and waking the Mrs up by laughing out loud(sometimes).

If someone tells you they've got a giraffe in their garden, tell them you've got one with a hat on.

Don't try and convince yourself that you ain't out of shape just because you only have a 34" waist.Do something about that overhanging gut/gunt.

Don't believe anyone that tells you they woke their mrs up laughing out at the TEF

If you're still looking for a path in your life, follow mooji, he will see you right.

If you're now wondering who mooji is, you're still looking for a path in life.

This is all a bit heavy for me to take in first thing on a Monday morning.

Squeamish. It's squeamish.

Thank you!

He's right about black pudding though.

Homosexuality is actually quite common throughout the animal kingdom, which pisses on the suggestion by homophobes that it's unnatural. Yet there's only one known species on Earth that displays homophobia....

I bet it's those anteaters. Bigoted lot.

Can the Welsh tell the difference?

Domestic sheep? Are these the ones kept by people as pets?

Quite sure it would apply to livestock as well.

No those hill sheep are notoriously homophobic, its what you get living out on the fells in an  weathers on your own!

It might only take three chords to write the next big pop song, but it will probably help if you play them really well. The occasional 7th won't go amiss.

Condoms don't only protect you from STD's, they also save you from pregnancy.

Learn how to bake a cake, not only is cake delicious, but it might surprise people when you turn up with one.

Tray bakes and Brownies don't count.

Close to Me by The Cure is an almost perfect song.

I prefer Just Like Heaven by The Cure.  They have a knack of beautiful perfect pop songs though.

Respect brilliance. But recognise that the next brilliant person has to build on something.

Be careful guys, the weather is a bit shit. Dress appropriately.

(http://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/5d/60/71/5d6071ea17f777be5b9d42e24df98e27.jpg)

I can't be the only person reading all these tips in Bill Bailey's voice?

A hundred years is more my cuppa.

Always thought "Pictures of You" is underrated

I do love the cure.  The pop stuff they do is great and the dark depressing stuff is amazing.  If there is a better depressing side of an album than the B side of Disintegration, Ive yet to hear it.  And I mean depressing in a good way.

You need to listen to faith  :)

Saw The Cure at the Birmingham nec in '87. Wonderful stuff.

I saw the cure at reading a few years ago. I knew the first half hour of their set, and their encore, but the middle hour and a half is the most boring dirge I'd ever seen. And I really liked the stuff I knew

Ive listened to faith many many times.  Disintergration just has the edge for me but Faith is indeed a very depressing album

I was also there.  Personally I loved it.  But I love depressing dirge. 

Faith, Pornography and Disintegration are amazing albums.

What about the delicately bleak fragment that is 17 Seconds? I was so violently into Pornography as a confused youth that I played it with a speaker on either side of my head. By the time of Close To Me and Just Like Heaven, they were past their best.  I wish they'd split after Porno, as they nearly did, and avoided all the cobwebby pop trash.

I have shedloads of the cure vinyl, won't get rid.