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With toilet roll

I get my butler to do it

I've adopted the shells-approach like in Demolition Man.

Not a dock leaf then?

Moist toilet wipes are a must for the stubborn bits.

A quick whoosh from the garden hose to get rid of any stubborn klingons

A friend of mine once wiped his arse with a stinging nettle, I fucking pissed myself laughing when he did it.

Bidet


or for the peasants an Oxford shirt

Stand and fold.

None of this sitting or scrunching business.

Back to front or front to back.

Get someone else to do it.

Walking across Hyde Park a few years ago had total stomach cramps drived into nearest bush. Pleased I had still got my newspaper. Still remember the sheer relief....

On a Poxford Shirt.

I've started using these and feel very clean. I understand it's sign you're over 40 when you use moist wipes.

For fuck sake. This thread does not work on any level.

Not even if you crouch down a bit?

:doh: :no:

Kärcher pressure washer

Arab Style. With a handful of gravel.

by wiping it in your magic carpet?

:clap:

Clueless bunch of cunts

I once skidded to a halt and cleared a five bar gate in Cornwall before pebble dashing a clump of daisies....I too remember the pure relief!

Stand up wiper me.....wet bog wipes at home.

Relatively late converter to stand up, never looked back

A drystone wall was my salvation some years ago. Walking in Derbyshire on a remote old railway line path and in desperate need of relief I dived into the only clump of trees for miles - growing in a dip against a crumbling stone wall. A perfect location with dense foliage to hide in and tangled branches providing comfortable armrests as I assumed an almost upright position with my shoulders against the top of the wall.

Absolute bliss!! It felt like lowering by rope and I looked down to admire the deposit .. but it was nowhere to be seen!!  I quietly shuffled away from the wall and then jumped round quickly to confront the robber ... and there it was like an enormous walnut whip sitting proudly on a projecting stone half way up the wall. Ever the opportunist, I found another smaller triangular projection to perform the wipe and sauntered out into the sunshine with a broad smile of satisfaction.

Reminds me of this: Wolf in the forest, Red riding-hood spots him and says " my what big eyes you have" Wolf says- " piss off I'm trying to have a shit " 

Just go straight for the middle!

 The townend topics just get better and better :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

Going slightly off topic...I remember at school someone had managed to lay the perfect turd in the urinal. Memory has stayed with me for many years, most impressed. Probably my last contribution on this subject.

I was in the RAF many years ago and I got up one morning to go for a shower/shave and somebody had shat in the sink.

Put me off me breakfast that - especially the sausages.

the level of intellectual conversation is going down the pan

Deffo a stander, however being on holiday in the states they have the automatic flushing bogs which means they flush when you stand up to wipe, very off putting

Ive developed a wipe/pinching technique, sitting down, front to back. It works so well if physically possible Id eat my dinner off my own arse.