Thetownend.com

One to set you up for the day ahead;

I walked into a bookshop and asked the shopkeep,"Where's the Psycho The Rapist section?" She said,"I think you'll find its pronounced psychotherapist."

Please add more if you feel the need......

i watched jimmy carr last night to  :soapy tit wank:

Why are Pirates called Pirates?













Because they just ARRRrrr, me Hearties!

I have Jimmy Carr live on DVD.  Might watch it again too.   8)

What do you do when a bird shits on your car?










Dump her.

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000' foot drop and says,

"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,

"Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

The next minute, Seamus pulls up in his truck at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down,Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says," And I'm never trying dat

parrotshooting either!"

 

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean Og appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean Og then hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

 

"Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping,den Seamus parrotshooting and now Sean Og and his fook'n hengliding!"

A termite walks into a pub,"Is the bartender here?"he asks.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It drove down the road and turned into a field  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick: