Thetownend.com

A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?'
'Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.



An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.



A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'



Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc

A scouse mum is at the sink doing washing the dishes with fairy liquid.
Her young daughter comes up beside her and asks "Mum, why are your hands so soft and smooth"
Scouse mum replies "Because im 12"

What do you call a Scouser in a three-bed semi?
A burglar.

What do you call a Scouse woman in a white shell-suit?
The bride.

What do you call a Scouser in a suit?
The accused.

Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
Because if it walked it would be mugged.

What do you get if you come across a scouser buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Why are Scousers like laxatives?
Because they irritate the shit out of you.

Did you tell Billy Paynter all those last week Sam?

No, he told them to me.

he told me he thinks you smell of wee

This thread is racist....

*regionalist

But its still discriminatory though axs and as we know, the righteous amongst us will not be happy...

It's OK, I'm ginger, I'm allowed.

He told me he thinks you're a dirty minging lezzer.

I was going to move to Liverpool - I went twice to scout it out, I hated the city - I found it to be a dump.

Not a joke, true story though  8)

At the end of a tiny deserted pub is a huge scouse bloke. He's having a few beers when a well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay man finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian.

Leaning over, he cups his huge ear. "Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.

At this, the massive scouser leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face, knocking him off the stool. He proceeds to beat him all the way out of the pub.
Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.

Amazed the barman quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"

"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies." Something about a job."

Twice?!?! im surprised you came back the second time,it is quite difficult to find a nice place though, as all the suburbs are literal dumps,littered with baby chavs and unfriendly ,drug taking adolescents! - apart from the odd suburb which is expensive to live in,too expensive some might say. The city itself (well the centre) its not too bad thesedays,with it being done up over the past 2/3 years,but its still a bit of a dump.

im happy in the fact that i've just remininded people what they already knew about liverpool.

by the way,where was it you "scouted" for a place?