Thetownend.com

Right, so we've been thinking long and hard at work (aka sat round talking shit) about this whole global economic meltdown malarkey and we've concluded that firmer action needs taking to stave off a 30's style Great Depression instead of just throwing pots of cash at the bankers who caused the bloody problem in the first place. So this is my manifesto for immediate action to sort it all out.

1) Let's put a smile back into Depression
Last time there was a worldwide depression in the 30s, you could at least cheer yourself up at the sight of bankers hurling themselves off buildings, but they're stubbornly refusing to do so this time round. The government's shown its willingness to intervene in the banking sector, so it's time to take this all the way, and send out specially trained DTI hit squads to throw selected bankers off roof-tops. Come on Gordon, if they won't jump, you've got to chuck 'em. Won't do anything to stop the onset of a global economic meltdown but it'll give us all something to smile about

2) War on Iceland
Again, time to stop messing around and show them we mean business. Freezing their assets? Pfft! All their assets are frozen anyway, they live in the bloody Arctic Circle (or near as dammit). Let's really ramp this up and show them what happens when you rob off with our cash we unwisely invested with them. Obviously the actual armed forces are a bit busy with the last set of wars we embarked on, so we'll have to form a citizens' army to do the job under the catchy recruiting slogan - "Mum's off to Iceland. And this time she's packing heat". As the country will be at war, we will need to be alert to potential fifth columnists and saboteurs for the enemy. So Kerry Katona and West Ham fans will be forcibly interned.

3) Cabinet reshuffle
In these straitened economic times, it's important that all citizens tighten their belts while still being able to afford the essentials. Therefore with immediate effect, flammableBen will be made Minister of Booze and Fags with a directive to find a source of cheap booze and fags to keep the nation supplied. He will, of course, have powers to nationalise fag and booze manufacturers if necessary. Plus it'll give him something to do, the lazy sod.

In addition, sonic will be made Minister of Culture, with mex as Deputy Minister of Dance. A slight side effect of this will be that we will have a new national anthem composed by Morrisey which I'll admit may not do much to cheer the nation up but you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs

you obviously havent seen me dance.

how about spacey as minister of bitterness?

4) kill the fsa

OK, you can be minister of ministers then. You sort them out.

I want a portfolio....

Minister of Curls

 You could be Minister without Portfolio.

  When I were a kid with an interest in politics, I was always unsure what exactly MWP meant....it took me some years to figure it must be an ace job, getting paid for basically sitting in on a few meetings.

i wish we had intellectual discussions like this at work. since the american guy started most of them involve: which chick in the office we'd like to bang most, what adjustments we can make to our cars to make them amazing and AIDS.

i'd make an excellent minister of culture. i'm thinking that tom waits would make a better national anthem though

 BTW we had a war against Iceland in the 70's....it seemed to consist of the plucky descendents of Erik the Red, chopping the fishing lines of Grimsby trawlermen, whilst naval protection vessels, which seemed to be basically tug boats, tried to ram them.

 Fuck knows why we didn't take the place years ago...would have saved West Ham a lot of bother.

Haha, I remember the Cod War Reg.

I thought my fish fingers were going to be rationed.............

 A serious concern at the time....you can't beat a good fish finger sandwich when you get in from a long night in the pub.

Cigarette production should of course be nationalised. We should also get rid of those silly notes and coins and make a smoke the standard unit of currency. Worth about 10p.

Of course a fair percentage of money in circulation an any one time would be getting sucked down the general populations lungs. Not a problem, and here's the genius of the plan. The government would then be free to print of loads of new money/fags to replace the smoked ones, which could be injected back into the economy through public spending.

Genius!

FTSE 100 is -8.85% now. We're all going to die :(

If we're sorting out the country, renationalise the railways and make GFM the director, that would stop the miserable fucker moaning about them all the time.

What would that involve? I'm not bitter, I just hate people.

I was sat at work the other day and the bloke opposite me was going on about not being able to sing Baa baa black sheep. and going on about how ridiculous it was that you couldn't sing Baa baa black sheep because bloody lefty do-gooders had banned it. I could have argued with him, but I couldn't be arsed so I stabbed him.

I'm in prison now. Fuckin' ada! It's a party in here! I'm on crutches at the moment though. I only went and fell off the fucking log flume! It's alright though, my butler's taking good care of me.

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

Im in prison for the next 10hrs and 15 mins.

Its not a fucking easy ride i tell thee.