Thetownend.com

ok lets keep all jokes in here, no comments just jokes, if we add one a day imagine how funny we will be amongst our peers, cccrraaazzzzzyyyyy. heres one i have told before but my fav to get the ball rolling....

how much does a cockney pay for shampoo?




Pan ten

A blonde and a brunnete are walking down the road. The brunnette exclaims "oh look, a dead pigeon". The blonde looks up and says "where".

boom boom

Whats pink, stiff and makes women scream?

















Cot Death

a irishman goes for a job at a blacksmiths, the blacksmith asks himif he has ever shoed a horse , "no" he says "but i have told a donkey to fuck off"

Lewis Hamilton has gone into hiding after the racist abuse in Spain. A spokesman for McLaren said he will come down from the tree when he's hungry.

A bloke walks into the butchers, he says to the butcher:

Where's your assistant?
Butcher: I had to sack him.
Bloke: You had to sack him? Why?
Butcher: Because he was sticking his dick in the Bacon slicer.
Bloke: You what?
Butcher: He was sticking his dick in the Bacon slicer.
Bloke: Shit, so wher's the Bacon slicer?
Butcher: I sacked her as well.

BOOM BOOM

brunnette a ginge and a blonde in dabate.

"i'm off to the maldives next week" says the brunette,boyfriends paying.
"oohhh" says the ginge "i'm off to the thailand with my hubby".
blonde says "well i'm off to the sun so i think i win"

"how can you go to the sun you will fry before you get near it"say the other two.

"its ok i'm going at night" says the blonde

why do communists only drink herbal tea?

because proper tea is theft.

Paddy and Murphy go to a sperm bank in London....

The day turns into a disaster for them as Paddy missed the tube and Murphy came on the bus.

Two married friends are out drinking.

One says to the other: "I can never sneak into the house after I've been drinking. I've tried everything. I turn the headlights off before I go up the drive. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off and creep upstairs. I get undressed in the bathroom. I do everything, but then my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out late."

His friend replies: "Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my wife's bottom and say, "How about a blow job?" She always pretends she's asleep."

man goes into a doctor, doctor says "sir, im afraid the outlook isn't great... you've got aids and you've got alzheimers".

man replies "well atleast i haven't got aids".

how can you tell when george bush is lying?


his lips move

Get your coat.

paddy,murphy and quinny in the local having a chat.

paddy says "this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At macdougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and macdougal himself will buy your third drink!"

 murphy then says" where I come from, there's a better one called o'reillys. At o'reillys, you buy a drink, then o'reilly buys you a drink. You buy another drink,o'reilly buys you another drink."

then quinny pops up " where I come from, there's this place called o'gradys. at o'gradys, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"that sounds fantastic! say paddy and murphy.did that actually happen to you?" "no," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"

what do you call an essex girl with 2 braincells????


pregnant!!

What's brown and runny?

Linford Christe.

Paddy and Murphy hire a small plane to take them moose shooting in Canada.  They shoot six and drag them back to the plane.  The pilot jumps out and tells they can only take four back.  Murphy pleads with the pilot and tells him that they had hired an identical plane last year and the pilot let them take six back.  Reluctantly the pilot agreed and they loaded the six carcasses on board.  The pilot puts the plane on full power and they take off.  Despite staying on full power the weight is too much for the little plane and it crashed after half an hour.  The pilot is killed but Paddy and Murphy are cushioned by the bodies of the moose.  They scramble clear and Paddy says "Jesus, where the hell are we?"  Murphy says "It looks familiar, I am sure this is where we crashed last year!"

A man goes to the zoo. When he arrives there is just a dog sat in a cage.

It was a Shitzu.



Crap joke, but better than all of arribas generic rubbish

Baby seal walks into a club..

(third time I've posted it, someone will find it mildly amusing one day)

 :(

RSPCA RULES!

He will! Old one but still good....

Im just not one of those people who enjoys jokes about George Bush or Blondes funny.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

Bloke walking down the road one evening and knocks on the doctors
door.
Doctor answers the door, bloke said "doc, you got to help me. I keep
thinking im a moth"
Doctor said "A moth? there's nothing i can do, you need to see a
Psycatrist"
Bloke said  "yeah i know, i was on my way to see him, but i saw
your light on"

What's the first sign of madness?


Suggs walking up your drive

Between a cow and a tragedy?


Scousers don't know how to milk a cow.

chinese couple had a retarded baby.

they named him som ting wrong

whats the difference between a girlfriend and a wife???

about 3 stones.

whats brown and taps at the window?





a baby in a microwave.

Man walks into a bar and says OUCH!.....then a giant mushroom pinches his ass..are you gay says the man,no says the mushroom ime just a funghi!

A tramp walks into a bar and says "Can I have a cocktail stick please barman?"....The barman, a little perplexed, hands over a cocktail stick, and the tramp leaves.

 Several minutes later, another tramp walks in, and asks exactly the same question. The barman is incredibly curious, but hands over the cocktail stick, and the tramp leaves.

Then, once again, another tramp walks in, and stands at the bar. The barman approaches him, and says "Let me guess, you want a cocktail stick?"...."No" replies the tramp, "just a straw". The barman is very confused and asks "What the hell do you want with a straw?"

The tramp replies "Somebody has been sick outside and all of the chunks are gone."

a prostitute is with a client and opens her legs, on the inside of one thigh she has a tattoo of Frank Lampard and the inside of the other thigh a tattoo of John Terry, the prostitute says to the client, 'if you can name these two men u can have sex with me for free' the man has a good look and replies 'hmmm i not sure who these two men are but i know thw one in the middle with the fat lips and curly hair, thats Shaun Wright-Phillips'

A pony walks into a pub and asks for a pint of lager

"Pardon?" says the barman "I can't hear you"

"I'll have a pint of lager please" the pony says, this time a little louder.

Once again the barman does not hear "you'll have to talk up 'cos I can't hear you!"

"Sorry" says the pony, "I'm a little hoarse"

i was playing golf the other day, launched the ball down the fairway and i heard a scream, to my horror i had hit a lady, i ran to the club house and asked if there was a doctor about, a man stepped forward and said he was a doctor, i explained i had hit a lady when i played my shot, 'where did u hit her' he asked, i replied 'between the 1st and 2nd hole' Doctor said 'Not much room for a plaster then'

I saw a dead baby ghost on the road this morning when I went to get the newspaper.





It may have been a hankerchief.

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 999. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Tommy Cooper Classics...


I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?

Man goes to visit the doctor and the doctor says 'You need to stop wanking.'

'Why?' said the man

'Because', said the doctor, 'I'm trying to examine you.'