Thetownend.com

I was never the sporty type, although I was a pretty good scrapper and did well at Tae-Kwon-Do some time back. Yet I could never run fast or long, I couldn't throw shit for shit and I have never been able to hit, kick or catch a ball.

I used to be in the Air cadets some 15 years ago and to be allowed to the cool things like flying, absailing, and shooting guns and stuff you had to earn brownie points, and so one summer when an air cadet athletics competition gave me the opportuntity to to earn those brownie point's, I enetered.

Being a bit late to enter, there where only two competitions left to enter: the 100m and the 1,500 m so well, hey ho.

The event itself was held on some athletics pitch which had a single stand holding about 2,500 people, which was packed. And my 100m heat came about. I ran, I lost but regardless I still got the brownie points (All I had to do was show up) and only being 100m it was all over pretty quick (About 30 seconds for me probably

An hour or so after was my 1,500m heat which I "Ran", lost miserably but again there was me thinking to myself: "It was all worth it BR, you humiliated yourself in front of about 2,500 people but at least you get to fly in an RAF plane next week" and at least it's all over now.

So, there was me still trying to catch my breath, grateful that my ordeal was over and looking forward to reaping the rewards from the Brownie point's I had just earned, when over the Tannoy it was announced that I was a finalist for the 1,500 m......WHAT, I AM IN THE FINAL????????????

I went down to the official's desk to have a word, after all in the last race I think that I actually held up the next race. And asked them: What do you mean I am in the final, I was lapped by every other runner in my heat?

The official then went on to explain to me that in each heat, the first four finishers went into the final and as luck happen in my heat the where only four fucking runners. I HAD TO THE THE FUCKING THING AGAIN!!!!!

My mate's tried to give me moral support by congratulating me on getting to the final, (Didn't work). And I begrudgingly stepped up to the start line... ready...go.....fire and off I trot.

I think that I lost in the final by a whole 2 laps, yet when I finally came into the final stretch at a wheezing saunter the entire 2,500 audience stood up and cheered/clapped me over the finishing line.

That is my finest sporting moment, and I scored extra Air cadet brownie points for representing my flight in the 1,500m final.

What's your's?

Coming 3rd in Wiltshire at Bath University in the 100m sprint & relay when I was younger.

Also dancing at the All England competition in London (if that counts?)

i captained my school c team to a 4-2 win over our rivals  8)

and i ran the swindon half marathon, but not as fast as i'd liked  :x

I was a bit like you; crap at most sports; would give them a go though.

I used to play in goal when i was younger; got taken out once when we were 4 down; and the bloke who replaced me was even worse so i got put back on because "i wasn't as crap as him"; there's a confidence builder; we lost 11-2 that day!!

Anyhow; i was allowed to play up front a couple of times; not sure why as i had no speed etc. but one match i had the ball and there was no way i was going to be able to run far with it so i hacked it out to a winger and luckily it got to him.

I legged it as fast as i could to the penalty area and surprisingly just about kept up with him and he gave me a fantastic cross into the area so i thought "i'm going to smash this into the top right hand corner"; i toed it and smashed it straight through the goalie's legs instead but hey; that's one of two goals i scored and it looked quite good apparantly; people didn't know what i was aiming for.

That's the best i can offer!

I came second in the Brighton and Hove under 35's tap dancing competition at G.A.Y.

Fucking robbed.

I played Lawn Bowls for Wiltshire U-18's  8)

It has to be said my sporting disasters far outweigh my finest moments  - I'm still mentally scarred by some of them! But the finest moments are
1.  Football - Scoring a hat trick in the final of the 6 a side school tournament to win the cup for my junior school.
2. Coming 274th in the All-England cross country at Leicester when I was 16
3. Opening the batting for my school, not scoring a run for 3 overs, hearing my Dad shout "get on with it!" from the boundery, hitting the next ball for a four right under his deck chair knocking the back strut out and landing him flat on his arse.  "About time too" was all he shouted - happy days!

Only coming second from last at the inter-school meeting shot put. Had to do it because there was noone else.  I used to be OK at the 800m (2m 15s in 4th year), but usually ended up doing the 200 and/or 100m and anything else too.

Coming 1st in the 200m at bath uni for wiltshire when i was 12 was probably my best sporting moment i ran so fast i wasn't even thinking, it felt like i was bloody flying!
Oh and being sports person of the year in secondary school was pretty good!  8)
Since then i have become very lazy and don't do sport anymore though!!

Swimming for Oxfordshire as a youngster.

Went to national galas everywhere.

captaining the school team on my 11th birthday and winning 11-0.

i also hold the record for being the only person to ever get sent off in a witney and district junior league game, probably the only player ever asked not to return to the club as well.

What were you sent off for?

i accidentally-on-purpose broke someone's ankle

As a child?  :o

Thats impressive.

Dancing as a kid at the wyvern (thats so gay but fuck it, 60 girls and me shut most people up)

Footy - this season, I found ateam with nice people in it, got teh right back spot which I wanted and have played well.  Ptretty shit ones im afraid

also swimming for dolphins as a kid

Scoring from the half way line when I used to play football against Brizzle Rovers Girls, scoring the goal that go us through to the final which we later lost on penalties.

Oh also when we were in P.E. I climbed up the rope and started swing from rope to rope. It was alot of fun but cost me an hours detetion.

I got picked second from last for football once. That was pretty ace.

not really sporting but i once beat 7 japanese guys at sega rally in the basement of hamleys, london.

it was the one where you actually sit in a rally car.

needless to say after my stunning victory i was fighting the chicks off with a shitty stick.

Did you always end up at the right place Ralphy??

As opposed to last?

That was a feat I could often boast as well, although not everytime!

You're not thinking of Gala Bingo are you?????

I'm shit at all sports by the way. I have represented the UK at something though, but that can't really be classed as a sport as no physical activity was involved (apart from sticking my tongue out...... :oops: )

Some things are probably best kept to yourself. Ewww.

Indeedy  :soapy tit wank:

I did get to a regional semi final at Subbuteo but I don't really classify this as sport and usually keep it to myself.  Mind you, if anyone fancies a game....

Won several trophies for my primary school and club footy team between the age of 9-16 as 'keeper. Probably the finest being a man-of-the-match performance to beat Dry Sandford 2-0 in the Oxon Schools Cup at age 11 8)

Been involved in 3 promotions with the cricket team over the last 5 years in the OCA, although my contributions have been negligable  :)

Hungerford Juniors Player of the Year. Sometime in the early 90s. Still got the plastic trophy somewhere. I like to think I was a young, shit Jerel Ifil. I could tackle any fucker but was clueless after that - either hoofed it out or passed to another defender.

I think I won some regional tournament with Wootton Bassett RFC. It was touch rugby and I was about 8, but I was an awesome Shane Williams type out on the wing and probably taller than him.  8)

PISS-OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you didn't notice there was some Irony of my "Greatest sporting moment" in that it was actually an utterly humiliating experience for me.

It's like being in a karaoke bar where people can actually sing!

I've played quite a bit of sport and I think the best I can come up with is winning a six-a-side tournament with a team we made from my primary school. I was in goal and sprained my wrist in the semi-final, so just played outfield in the final! The only reason we won was because we had one guy who would curl corners in while we leaned the posts back to make it easier for him  :wink:  I think he scored 3 or 4 like that throughout the tournament!

I also played in goal for Junior Robins a couple of times. We dicked Notts County 4-0 and I made a save where to this day I don't know how I managed it! I was wearing a goalie shirt with Evans on the back at the time and those who weren;t playing called me Rhys from then on. I think that's a good thing... :?

I came first when legging it home from a kebab shop once

nah it means you got groomed by fatbury.

believe it or not won shit loads as a kid, represented oxfordshire in football, rugby and badminton. north berkshire leauge in football. but my crowning glory was my debut for Bath RFC under 17's we shat on cardiff in that game. then i discovered ecstacy and that was that :D

I have 2.

Being a black belt in Kodokan Karate (no lie)
And scoring the winner in our school football final against the massive favorites in the final, i remember it like yesterday
About 10 min left to go, its 1-1 i get subbed off the person who went on for me takes a knock with about 3 min to go so i go back on for him (rotation subs and all that) i pick up the ball, skim 3 players very luckily and curl it to the top corner from the edge of the are (everyone said it was a lucky toe punt)

I bet you all think im bullshitting about both but believe it or not, untill i was 15/16 and discovered i could get into pubs due to some bum fluff on my chin i was quite the athletic chap.

I won the sack race three years on the trot at the interschool games thing held at the county gound. I also got a gold medal - of sorts - numerous times for being the quickest down a mountain in the ski school at various resorts.

Oh and when i was about 14 i came 4th out of about 30 people/mainly men in Bowls, at Southsea King Of Concrete BMX extravaganza wicked bandit fest.

when i was 10 i won the swindon primary schools high jump and  the 50m hurdles.i came second in the sprint.

Playing right back for Melksham Town Youth in the county cup final  8)

Playing for Swindon u-15s hockey team and scoring in a tournament final.

And i come first most evenings.

I beat my mate nige 9-0 at table football once. We were both quite good but I hit some sort of mega-zone level of ability and it was ace.

are you up early or late?

When I played football for my school we beat Millfield School away- who are the best sports school in the country, 3-0. You should see the facilities they have.
Also playing Rugby and Cricket (& taking a hat-trick) for the school

Had a few other good ones like having trials with Bristol Rovers when I was much younger and turning up in my Swindon top 8)

To return to BR's original ironic intent for the thread, I can let you have the tale of my greatest sporting humiliation, which is less sporting and more mathmatical in the end............  I'll explain...

I'm about 12 at the old Richard Jefferies school (became part of the new college and then got demolished and had houses built on it). Our PE teacher has been trying to work out ways to get cricket into a two hour PE lesson and finally hits on what he thinks is a genius idea. We're all asked to pick a partner and he proposes that each pair will get to bat for two overs, with him and one kid that fancied himself as a spinner handling the bowling. We get to bat for the full two overs regardless of whether we lose a wicket and come the end of the session our runs are divided by the number of wickets we've lost, and whoever scores the highest wins. Simple eh?

People pick up partners and being the little kid in the class, I end up with the class nerd, the son of wannabe middle class Volvo driving parents. However, what the rest of the class don't know is that , despite his two left feet (and what I would guess now was quite severe developmental dyspraxia), this kid has been drilled in cricket by his minor public attending dad since the age of three, and as a result can at least play a decent forward defensive, and knows what balls to leave, which is better than the rest of the class.

Inevitably we end up going last. We walk to the crease, well I waddle to the crease as I'm wearing a pair of pads that cover virtually my entire legs with the knee roll coming about mid thigh. Every other pair in the class has lost at least one wicket, but there are clear leaders, who scored about 20 and lost only one.

Nerdy boy bats first, and as you might predict stonewalls 6 balls. The bowlers change ends and I face my first delivery. Somehow I block it. Second ball I leave altogether and it flashes by my head somewhere. The third I get my bat on and it drops right in front of me. By the fourth I can actually see the ball as it comes down the pitch (which helps) and it's a bit wide on the leg side and a nice height. Somehow I manage to hook it behind and it flies over the "boundary" and onto the playground for 4. Yeh! the next two balls I have no idea about. But I survived them both without having to do much, and most importantly without having to run, which I couldn't do in those stupid pads.

Eveyone claps and we all shuffle off the pitch and gather around Mr Gale, with me grinning like an idiot, as I knew that against the odds my and the class nerd had won his stupid competition.

Imagine how I feel when as I join the crowd still trying to rid myself of my pair of padded calipers, I hear the dozy  git announce the 20 runs and 1 wicket lost scoring pair as the winners.

What happened next was me delivering a stream of invective that earned me my first detention at senior school.  It wasn't too clever I suppose but lets face it I was only twelve, but I knew that 20 divided by 1 equals 20, whilst 4 divided by 0 equals infinity, which is a fuck sight bigger than 20, and Mr Gale was a fucking maths teacher who really should have known that.

We was robbed, and because of that innumerrate Welsh prat no-one would believe me.  :evil:

Not that I'm bitter or anything. I mean it's not like I've been holding a grudge for nearly 30 years or anything is it.

Early, I think I need to drink alcohol today.

i'm all or nothing based on the pitch inspection.

swimming for under 18's england sqaud.

on a more funny note giving away 10 pentailes in 10 games on the spin

Minety FC player of the year 2001/02, being the youngest member of team, made me feel proud.

For some reason, I gave up playing to watch Swindon.  :?

Sorry to bore anyone as mine's golf related.

When I was lucky enough to have a round of golf at the Royal Lytham (they're getting the Open in a few years time) about 18 months ago, the 4th hole is a longish par 4 that bears quite strongly left. Having hammered my drive well right, I was looking at 5 or maybe 4 iron into the green but it was the middle of July (and I'd just come back jaded and surnburnt from Ibiza) and bloody firm, I didn't fancy my chances of stopping it so I took a real lash with a sixer... and duly holed it. Eagle from right rough at a Championship golf course with about 70% of the club I needed...

Ironically the next hold is piss easy par 3 with a three-quarter 7 iron (probably the easiest iron play in golf) and I managed to take 5.  8)

Scoring for Southampton in the FA Cup!!!!! oh yes its true :beers:

My first would be at the end of my first year in secondary school, we had a house tornament in 5 a side footie, we were 2-2 with our rivals who we had in the semis, they hit one wide and we countered, last minute of injury time i creaps up with a winning goal, and i had my mooney top on  :soapy tit wank:

My second would be winning the 800m last year out of all the schools in Swindon, stayed in the middle untill the last lap and then picked a few people off, i hit the last bend and the kiddie who was first was easily 20m in front of me, i sprinted from that final bend to the finish line and beat him by less than a second, my mates said they had never seen me run so quick as i did in that last 100m  8)

I can't work that out?

Maybe he means that when Southampton where playing in the FA cup one time, that he scored a goal for them?

Hope that helps.

as long as he's not Gordon fucking Watson!!

I got sent off in Witney an District Junior League too.
Punched a fat kid in the stomach  8)

did someone break your ankle afterwards?

 :mrgreen: good one

I've just realised that I don't think I've ever played for any sort of proper sports team. Go me.

didnt break it as such.....

Ooooh,

I did once win a regional competition for my category at Tae-Kwon-Do, although perhaps I should mention that I was the only competitor!

seriously...

Played North Berks League as a 16 year old. Played for Ajax Cape Town Reserves in a friendly match. Got to the semis of the DB cup in my sunday league in London first season (and finished runners up in the league) quarter finals this season at the moment and pushing for the league title.
Also (STFCTownenda can confirm this) twatted some kid for 6 two balls running in some 7 a side cricket tourney. He got quite upset about it as he played for Wiltshire and had never been hit for six before.

ironically.....

Got lobbed by a divot in a Tim Flowers stylee when at school and never played for the school team again. made a few howlers in my time, but then so does every goalkeeper.

Completing New York City (2002) and London (2007) Marathons.  I didn't win either of them though.

And if I can answer on behalf of The Moonraker, he once hit Shane Warne for 4.  Warney then clean bowled him next ball.

That's a true story.

I think completing em is a mean feat in itself, so well done

Also golf related,

Playing off a handicap of 18 on a seaside course in windy conditions, got to the eighteenth tee needing a four for a gross 78.



Couldn't get it through the clown's mouth.........

I suck a golf. Gave up years ago as I couldnt even break 100 at shrivenham park. What compounded the matter was my cunting brother plays off a 3 handicap :evil: