Thetownend.com

>>A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the
>>Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicenter in
>>Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering
>>"Faaackinell".
>>
>>The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of
>>damage.
>>Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del
>>Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars
>>were disturbed.
>>Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported
>>that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still
>>trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had
>>happened in Basildon. However, looting, muggings and car crime were
>>unaffected and carried on as normal.
>>
>>One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was
>>such a shock. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom
>>crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it
>>all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the
>>next morning."
>>
>>The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny
>>Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
>>Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large
>>quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewelry from
>>Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
>>
>>***** HOW CAN YOU HELP? *****
>>
>>This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
>>unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
>>sought after - items most needed include:
>>
>>Fila or Burberry baseball caps
>>Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
>>Shell suits (female)
>>White sport socks
>>Rockport boots
>>Any other items usually sold in Primark.
>>Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
>>
>>Required foodstuffs include:
>>
>>Microwave meals,
>>Tins of baked beans,
>>Ice cream,
>>Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
>>
>>22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms; £2 buys chips,
>>crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9; £5 buys a packet of B&H
>>and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
>>
>>**Breaking news**
>>
>>Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.
>>
>>"Where are you bleeding from?' they asked.
>>
>>"ROMFORD" said the girl. "Woss that gotta do wiv you?
>>Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they
>>won't be able to read it, anyway

chav jokes are sooooo 2004