Thetownend.com

A woman dies and goes to heaven.  

At the gates, St Peter welcomes her warmly inside.

As she steps forward she hears a piercing scream.  "What's that?"  she asks with trepidation in her voice.

"Oh that's just a woman having the holes put in her shoulders to take her new angel wings" says St Peter.

The woman pales a little but continues forward.  She hears another blood curdling scream and again asks St Peter what caused it.  "That's the woman before you having the hole drilled in her head to take her new halo".

The woman turns on her heels and walks past St Peter.  "Where are you going?" he asks.  "I am off to hell" she says.

"But you'll be subject to rape and sodomy there" he warns.

"I don't care", she replies.  "At least I've already got the holes for that!"

hmmm i feel i should laugh but cant find the humour

It's humurous to some, obviously not to me :|

Got this one this morning.......

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the
rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said,
  "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize
the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Knock Knock

whos there

Dunnup

oi thats an old one!!!!!  And yes I get it now  :mrgreen:

I hope you cleaned it up Birdy?

you actually said who's there too  :mrgreen:   :beers:

knock knock

who's there

Tish

bigish

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

Two parrots sat on a perch....one says to the other 'Can you smell fish?'.

 :D

What do you call an indian lesbian? Minjita

What's the most popular medical prodedure for lesbians?

A strapadictomy

Two elephants fell off a cliff.

Boom, Boom



 :o

What do you call a gay Dinosaur

Megasawarse   eg  mega saw arse

What do you call a lesbain dinosaur

Lickalotopus eg  lick a lot of pus

my life  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

http://www.haku.co.uk/b3ta/PaulBarry.gif

well i thought it was funny  :D

:D Class

 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder asnswering the iron.

 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

what do u call a police woman who has just shaved her pussy?

Constable

 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

fucking brilliant!

 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

What's pink and smells of fish?



















Salmon

Why am I laughing?!  :D

why can't stevie wonder read?

because he's black

Why is the Premiership like a cordless drill?

No Leeds

There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems, One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.

The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.

Well, the guards bought a brand new electric chair. This one was amazing: leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight.

They brought the man back and asked, "Have you any last requests?"

The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green banana, please."

So they got him an unripe green banana, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.

"Are you ready?" they asked.

"Yes," he said.

And they hit the switch. And nothing happened.

Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him. He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked, "Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green bananas?"

"No," he replied, "I've just always been a bad conductor."

How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Put the elephant in.
Step three: Close the door

How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Take the elephant out.
Step three: Put the giraffe in.
Step four: Close the door.

If an elephant and a giraffe had a race, who would win?
The elephant. The giraffe is in the refrigerator.

An engineer, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world; your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." The Engineer thought about it for a minute and then said,
 
"I want to hang out with God.”
 
St. Peter took him to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
The engineer then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said the engineer, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention."
 
 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
 
 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
 
 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
 
 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
 
 5. And finally, the maintenance costs are outrageous."
 
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the engineer, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his Ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand...