Friday Joke Thread

[Shaw Rosso]

Were you long in the hospital ? No, I was the same size that I am now.

Are you the the bushy nosed bloke that drives the Super Mario Whippy Ice Cream vans around Swindon, luring the kids in? 

[steptoe41]

I know Friday is a long way off but Fuck it.

Two blokes bump into each other after not having seen each other for many many years. The First bloke asks the second how things are going.

The second bloke, speaking very slowly tells the first:

"I w..a..s   a..l..m..o..s..t   m..a..r..r..i..e..d."
The first bloke says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, " Y..e..s,   I   w..e..n..t   t..o   a
d..o..c..t..o..r    a..n..d    h..e    t..o..l..d    m..e
t..h..a..t    i..f    I   s..p..e..a..k    s..l..o..w..l..y    I
w..i..l..l    n..o..t    s..t..u..t..t..e..r."
The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"W..e..l..l,    m..y    f..i..a..n..c..e..e    a..n..d    I
w..e..r..e    s..i..t..t..i..n..g    o..n   h..e..r
p..o..r..c..h   a..n..d    t..h..e   d..o..g    w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g    h..i..s    b..a..c..k    a..n..d
I    t..o..l..d    h..e..r    t..h..a..t    w..h..e..n    w..e
a..r..e    m..a..r..r..i..e..d,    s..h..e    c..o  u  l  d
d..o     t..h..a..t    f..o..r    m..e     a..n..d    s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w    t..h..e    r..i..n..g   i..n    m..y
f..a..c..e.."
"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

" W..e..l..l,    I    s..p..e..a..k    s..o    s..l..o..w..l..y,
t..h..a..t    b..y    t..h..e    t..i..m..e     s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d    a..t    t..h..e   d..o..g,    h..e
w..a..s     l..i..c..k..i..n..g    h..i..s    b..a..l..l..s

[walrus]

I was playing Football Manager last night when I got offered the Scotland job.  I didn't like the thought of working with such a poor team so I declined the offer, hung up the phone and carried on with my game.

[Bedford Red]

A guy with a gun enters a bar

"Who the fuck had sex with my wife?" he snarled.

A voice was heard in the background; "You don't have enough bullets mate!"

[Peter Venkman]

Brian Cobby, the voice of BT's speaking clock has died, age 83, due to health issues. I think it was after his third stroke.

[leefer]

My poor budgie broke both its little legs so i did my best to improvise and made the poor thing two mini splints out of two Swan Vesta matches....all went well for a few steps and then a puff of smoke told me i had forgotten to take out the sandpaper at the bottom of the cage.

[Mister Lorenzo]

Went to see the doctor about my premature ejaculation.
He said that it must be really frustrating for my wife.
I said that to be honest it was getting on her tits!!

[Peter Venkman]

I ache and am dirty and I think I need a bath...sound dull? now say it in a Jessica Rabbit voice

[Stef Troll]

The other day I told my neighbour Jerome that he was like Marmite.

He said, "What, you either love me or you hate me?"

I said, "No, you're black and you smell." 

[Peter Venkman]

Taylor Swift.

Her music may be shit but she can knock you up a suit in less than an hour.

[Bewster]

In bed with the wife, getting a bit steamy and she said "if you turn off the light, you can put it in my arse"

To be fair I should've let the bulb cool down first.

[Saxondale]

I was stopped in Boots the other day
by an assistant who asked me what my
favourite grooming products were.

I replied, "A packet of chocolate
buttons and a half a bottle of vodka
works for me."

[ST_INC]

Wife left me the other day,
she took the satellite dish
and all my Bob Marley records.
No woman no sky.

[Peter Venkman]

I am getting excited now, its only 3 Chelsea managers till Christmas.

[leefer]

Wife left me the other day,
she took the satellite dish
and all my Bob Marley records.
No woman no sky.

How did Bob Marley like his doughnuts?.....wi Jammin.