WE FEAR EVERYONE

Ivory Coast manager Nemo met the press for the first time at a press conference held in his living room with a blogger from the Abdijan Daily Press and a bemused passer by who later stated that she'd "thought there was a jumble sale on" when walking into the building. The masses of the international press may be overlooking le Cote d'Ivoire in this Tournament, but it seems they're not alone as the manager had this to say:

"I have good news and bad news. The good news is the Ivory Coast ladies are going to get spanked by a succession of incredibly attractive women. The bad news is that the previous sentence isn't half as exciting as it sounds. Unfortunately, our talent pool is very shallow, not because there aren't beautiful women in the Ivory Coast, although there might not be as I have no idea, but they just don't have a modelling industry. The small number of attractive women I've managed to find on the Internet have about 1-2 pictures each and they're fully clothed, which is likely to hold them back on the world stage."

Other than a few half decent Miss World contestants, the Cote D'Ivoire's famous women are almost entirely sprinters or handball players, so I can only hope that the judges of the TEF are into women with thighs that could crush their head in the moment if engaged in cunnilingus. If not, we might struggle, unless I can persuade Gervinho to put on a pair of french knickers and a bit of eyeshadow.

The Ivory Coast manager added that he hoped to be able to arrange a friendly against Iran as a warm up against another minnow.