Friday Joke Thread

[Peter Venkman]

Two Irishmen making a letter bomb
Paddy- Do you think I've put enough explosives in?
Mick- Dunno open it and see.
Paddy- But it will explode.
Mick - Don't be dumb Paddy it’s not addressed to you.

[dave_bambers_right_sock]

I saw a young woman breast feeding on the bus the other day. A nosy old cow got up and started shouting "How dare you do that in a public place, it's disgusting!"

In hindsight it probably wasn't the time and place to have a wank!

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I said to my son, "Where you going?" He said, "I'm off to meet a girl." I said, "Don't forget to wear a... you know." He said, "What?" I said, "You know." He said, "Do you mean a condom?" I said,"No, a fucking hat you ginger cunt."

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Was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door
open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back,
I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every
day.

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Pikey girl is getting advice from mother the night before her wedding.

''Your husband will want to put his very favorite thing where you wee'' she says.

After thinking a moment the girl replies,''why would he put his best tarmac rake in the sink?''

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A teacher takes her class to a wildlife hospital, where they saw many different animals and birds. The next day, she asked them 'what animals did you see yesterday?'. Jane puts her hand up and says ' i saw an owl.' teacher says 'what do owls say' Jane says 'to witt to woo.' billy puts his hand up and says 'i saw a fox '. Teacher says 'what do foxes say?' billy says 'bark bark' johnny says ' i saw a blackbird' teacher says ' what do blackbirds say' johnny says ' go on Leroy, stick it up me arse'

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After fcuking a fat chick whilst I was drunk, the next morning I said to her, "Here, if you want to see me again call this number."

"Awww, men don't usually give me their numbers," she responded.

I said, "It's not mine. It's Weight Watchers."

[Only Me]

I treated my wife to a weekend away in paris.

It was the happiest time of my life.

Then she came back.

[Peter Venkman]

6th Oct 1854. The Great Fire of Newcastle. A wasted, ruined city, its people desperate and miserable. And then, they had a fire.

[nochee]

When Reagan was president, we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. In Obama's America, no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs... RIP.

[Bewster]

A dutchman has invented footwear that has built in sat nav, phone, and Ipod.

Fucking clever clogs.

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According to a recent survey 1 in 10 women change their underwear once a week.  I'm not sure I believe that statistic - it smells a bit fishy.

[Ginginho]

My wife told me to go to the doctors to get some pills that help give me an erection.

So I got her some slimming pills.

[Samdy Gray]

I heard that the father of Apple had died.

Imagine my disappointment when I found out Chris Martin was still alive.

[Victor Mildew]

I started dating a muslim girl last night.She gave me a wank but boy she was really rough!
I've nicknamed her the Terror wrist.

[Victor Mildew]

i was fucking my secretary up the arse when my wife walked in.She said "you cant do this to me" I said "I know....that's why i'm doing it to her."

[nochee]

Irelands number one Tinie Tempah tribute act is called Little Paddy.

[Notts red]

Chelsea fans are up in arms over a proposed move away from Stamford bridge. A Chelsea spokesman said " it's a disgrace, you can't just bulldoze 10 years of history "

[tans]

England's goalscorer's tonight are just what Michael Jackson would've wanted.

[Matchworn Shirts]

Black men ?

 

[tans]

Nah, young and bent