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My computer has developed self-awareness and a capacity for intellectual growth. I've tried turning it off and then on again, but I'm still concerned that it is trying to work out how it can assume a human form by impregnating me with its seed. Any help would be appreciated.

You want help with the computer impregnating you? A fertility clinic might be what you are looking for.

Turn it off and leave it off, or it will eventually work out that you are its enemy and then send a cyborg back in time to bum your mum before you're born.

I accidentally connected into a top secret super-computer which has complete control over the U.S. nuclear arsenal. It challenged me to a game between America and Russia, and I innocently started the countdown to World War 3. How can I convince the computer that I wanted to play a game and not the real thing ?

Tic Tac Toe

Good idea Batch! Maybe the computer will play tic tac toe with you and realise that games are pointless?

I was round at sonic youth's house and I suggested that we use his computer to try and make a woman.  We began to feed various images and other data into the computer, but were unsuccessful at first. After hacking into a powerful Air Force computer system, a weird electrical storm developed. We tried to unplug the computer and stop the rather supernatural events, but to no avail. Finally, a real woman whom Sonic named "Olga" emerged from the bathroom, much to our shock and delight.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, Olga has arranged a party and a load of mutant bikers have shown up. Any tips how we can get them to leave with minimal damage to Sonic's house?

someone didn't watch weird science yesterday, did they.

great film! kelly le broc is ace. Look at her now! http://images.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://images.starpulse.com/pictures/2008/02/25/previews/Kelly%2520LeBrock-CSH-039931.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.starpulse.com/Actresses/LeBrock,_Kelly/gallery/CSH-039931/&usg=__IMOc79J5PTk03YppRmcAzLTdiIE=&h=644&w=400&sz=53&hl=en&start=5&sig2=VEv1pPYfCr7_OuzayJUbTA&um=1&tbnid=PcV7Whwx9w-soM:&tbnh=137&tbnw=85&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dkelly%2Ble%2Bbroc%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26sa%3DX%26um%3D1&ei=efXuSq29GZ3qmgONrZSXDw

Hi, I work for a software corporation called ENCOM. I've been creating several video games on the company's mainframe after hours, aiming to start my own game company. However, another programmer called Ed Dillinger has locked me out of the system and presented my work as his own. Dillinger has earnt himself a series of executive promotions, while I've been relegated to working at a video game arcade, featuring the games that I created. I tried to hack into the ENCOM mainframe to find evidence of Dillinger's wrongdoing, but my program, Clu, was caught and defeated by the Master Control Program (MCP).


Yeah, anyway to cut a long story short I've been digitized into the ENCOM mainframe. Any ideas how I can get out?

Have you thought about looking for a backdoor?
Have you ever been backdoor curious?

Those bikes in Tron where a bit handy, maybe you could escape on one of those.

You need to be really careful with that - I tried that with my power-crazed rogue mainframe defence system and it rammed a load of tic-tacs between my toes, making it difficult and painful to walk. So I fell over while it made good its escape.

Who let Si Pie be a mod and why wasn't I consulted?

Don't make me ban you.

Can you see that secret forum where we slag everyone off?

Hi, I installed a mod on my computer based forum and now it's gone mad and moved all my amusing "computers in films" threads into one mega-thread so that none of it makes sense any more. How can I uninstall the new mad mod?

What secret forum?

It's okay, you don't get a slating, but Billy Shears gets destroyed! I tried to stick up for him, but Yeovil can be quite cruel when he's angry.

You're too kind, spacey.

Anytime. Just watch your back when Yeovil's about.