Friday Joke Thread

[dave_bambers_right_sock]

"Dad, can I ask you a question?"



"Of course you can son."



..."It's a bit awkward dad."



"No problem, fire away."









"Why is your penis in the vacuum..?

[Peter Venkman]

Its not exactly a joke as such but me and the missus drove past this signearlier in Edinburgh, I think it says it all!

[url width=640 height=480]http://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g171/jjedmunds/246704_2077893475160_1479690085_32340018_8020160_n.jpg[/url]

[Bewster]

I know it isn't Friday but....


I told my girlfriend that I suffer from premature ejaculation

Luckily for me she took it on the chin

[Coca Fola]

Fifa 12 achievement- Score with Fernando Torres.

[Peter Venkman]

Fifa 12 achievement- Score with Fernando Torres.

Also get Charlie Austin through a season without injury.

[DMR]

Also get Charlie Austin through a season without injury.

Shame players cant pick up drug addictions, that would be skill.

Charlie Austin will be out for 4-6 weeks after getting coked off his nut.

[cavpete]

Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?

Max Factor should make condoms.

[Berniman]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

[Berniman]

At the regular Sunday morning service, Father George announced that he was planning to leave for a larger church that would pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave, because he is so popular.

Costa, who owns several car dealerships stands up and proclaims "If Father George stays, I will provide him with a new Mercedes every year, and his wife with a Honda CRV, to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Dimitri, a successful businessman and lawyer, stands and says, "If Father George will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to guarantee a free university education for his children!"

More sighs and loud applause

Maria, age 68, stands and announces with a smile, "If Father George stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

Father George, blushing, asks her: "Maria, you're a wonderful and holy lady. Whatever possessed you to say that?"

Maria’s 70-year old husband, Vasillis, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replied,

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said: Fuck him!

[Berniman]

A plane is on the way to Toronto when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.
 
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this; I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde." he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear and she says, "oh, I’m sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.
 
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her, "first class isn't going to Toronto” 

[Peter Venkman]

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toilet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied, "Not too bad, thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again. "So, what are you up to?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?"

The next thing I heard him say was, "Sorry, mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some cunt in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."

[dave_bambers_right_sock]

F1 NEWS :


    Scousers Join Ferrari.



    "The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

    This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

    The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

    It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

    However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

    At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

[Peter Venkman]

I've just renamed my WiFi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02".

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

[BANGKOK RED]

I've just renamed my WiFi network to "Police Surveillance Van #02".

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

Ha

I might actually try that

[Nemo]

That's terrific. There is a Wi-Fi on my street tastefully called "Fuck off cunts" but this is a touch more subtle.