Friday Joke Thread

[Doctor Bamber]

On the train into Temple Meads this morning I got lucky and sat opposite a really attractive young Thai girl who always gets on at Bath.
As the journey went on, I couldnt take my eyes off her. I kept saying to myself "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection"


But she did.

[jutty274]

What do Japanesse men do when they get an erection.


They Vote.

[Bewster]

Man is telling his friend of a recent experience.

'I was walking along beside the railway line' he says, 'when I saw this girl tied to the track. Well, naturally I freed her and ended up having sex with her all night.'

'Did you get a blow job?' asks his friend.

'No' he says, 'I never did find the head.'

[jimmy_onions]

I went to the opticians the other day, they told me I was colour blind
That was a bolt out of the green I can tell you.


OR

A polish bloke goes to the opticians.
Optician told him to sit down and read the letters on the board.
Polish bloke says, 'read it, I know him'

[Bewster]

I've managed to book a table for me and the missus on Valentines night.

It's bound to end in tears .........she's fucking hopless at snooker   

[Don Rogers Shop]

Haha Brilliant

[jutty274]

I took the wife for an Italian Meal, when we arrived there was a fat Italian Woman in the door way

i Couldn't get pasta.

[dave_bambers_right_sock]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to
look after her neighbours' house and male dog while they were
away on vacation. She had a large house, however, and believed
that she could keep them apart. But as she was drifting off to
sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds,
rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in
obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens
when they mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next,
although it was late, she called her vet on his cell phone, who
answered in a very
grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said "Hang up the
phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you
back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his
erection and be able to withdraw."
Do you think that will work, she asked?
"It just worked for me", he replied!

[Coca Fola]

How can you tell if your at a gay BBQ?

The sausages taste like shit.

[steptoe41]

I received a party invitation the other day and it said "dress to kill".



The beard, turban and backpack didn't go down very well....

[leefer]

Delivering to a farm today when i saw the local yokel stripping in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Peels of his red lumberjack shirt...revealing an old string vest and then pings back old braces....just before he is about to go further i cough....delivery i say...he looks embarrased and apologises.....sorry he says...me and the wife are having bedroom problems and the doctor reckons i should try looking sexy to a tractor

[A Gent Orange]

I've managed to book a table for me and the missus on Valentines night.

It's bound to end in tears .........she's fucking hopless at snooker   

I've heard that before somewhere...Andy Zaltman isn't it? It certain sounds like on of his - well it mentions snooker and he often does.

[nochee]

Got caught having a wank while sniffing my mate's sister's knickers yesterday. Wouldn't have been so bad but she was still wearing them at the time. He went fucking ballistic!!....Made the rest of her funeral really awkward for both of us..!

[london_red]

Haha fucking ace nochee.

[A Gent Orange]

Bomb disposal is easy... It's just a ticking-box exercise.

All credit to Jacques_ahi on Twitter.