Thetownend.com

Online Dating, advice required.

I'm due to move to Wiltshire in the next couple of months & will find myself without an established social circle. Meeting females in such circumstances may prove to be a difficult task.

I've considered pre-empting the situation by joining online dating sites. The plan is to do the ground work now, join sites & upload profile, establish contact with potential candidates so I can hit the ground running as it were when I arrive in Wiltshire.
I have no experience in this field & wondered if any board members could offer advice or tips on the matter.

I'm obviously hoping for a looker but if I'm unable to turn 1 up after awhile I'll settle for some piece who has a face like a clumsy bee keeper as long as she doesn't rabbit too much.

The dating sites I've considered are

girlsdateforfree.com (it seems girls do but lads don't)
plentyoffish.com
tangowire.com
faceparty.com

In addition details of a local venue where I can get a drink without being Id'd would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

what

This is a wind-up, right?

Ha ha ha...pure comedy gold!

The word 'spam' springs to mind

getalife.com
iamasadfuck.co.uk
helpi'manuglybastard.net
billynomates.org

Go to foxies

Not at all.

Thats the way it looks when we make the move. I had intended to enroll at College & I'm sure a social circle would have developed on the back of that.
However my Dad's employer delayed our move and I was too late to enroll, as this is the case it pretty much will be a case of Billynomates.

Tans, please expand re Foxies.

Hang on

Intending to go to college, but still wants a dating service. This cannot be real.

I definitely smell spam

Or a troll.

Is Spacey having a quiet day at the office?

First point, if I didn't have months to kill before the start of my college course I probably wouldn't consider it.

Second point, what makes you think college / online dating are mutually exclusive?

I have no idea who Spacey is.

Best post in ages.

Have a gold star.

Trouble is most blokes on here either like men,animals or both1

That did actually make me laugh!

Put him in touch with Crispy - they deserve each other!

If you want to meet girls, foxies is the strip club.

Failing that, just go to St Tropez...

There's a strip club in Swindon?

This lot are only interested in cheesedating.com!!

Seems like Fatbury is moving into Swindon!

http://www.foxieslapdancing.co.uk/

Thanks for the response tans, I'm afraid lap dancing clubs are beyond my financial reach at the moment.

I find redtube.com is a good place to start..... :soapy tit wank:

They have bar jobs going... two birds, one stone

I'm not sure it would be a good idea to thrown stones at the girls in strip bars, might get thrown out.

I think he's referring to Neil Harris having a threesome.

Isn't that the two anorexic girlfriends joke ?

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

Decided to grasp the nettle and upload my profile to a dating site.

Nothing ventured nothing gained and all that.

ASL?

Kev, is that you?

Whack it on here, we can take the piss offer advice.

Extra points for using acronyms we can't work out.

VWE Batch

Very Wet Ends?

Vagina Was 'Ere ?

Vicious Wanking Expert?

Vaginal Waste Eater?

Winner.

Vivacious Willy Eater?

Poor effort, too close to b3nny's :/

I think I've done ok, profile online for just over an hour & 2 responses already.

Anybody know of a local licensed venue with lax ID?

Any odds for the next question being 'Where can I buy rohypnol?'

I'll have a tenner on that!

Where can I buy rohypnol?

Woo, how much do I win?

A tenner.

everytime he posts i keep getting a vision of the moff man in silence of the lambs :eek:

Haha, quality. We have got to find his profile.

repeatoffender, AKA Buffalo Bill

www.shagbook.co.uk

He's probably on a date now, engaging her with conversations like "It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again".

Of course I'll feel bad if repeatoffender turns out to be real/genuine!

Really?

A little bit. I mean everyone taking the piss would be harsh.

But I'm as near to 100% sure its a wind up.

It's Batch!

It's kim jong il, so ronrey

[url width=275 height=229]http://i588.photobucket.com/albums/ss322/briebrie702/kimjongil2.jpg[/url]

There seems to be a lot of piss taking going on here but little in the way of tangible advice. I was really after somebody who could give some guidance re correct online dating site etiquette.

However I've received a good number of responses to my posted profile & it's my intention to reply to all. In terms of etiquette it seems it's a case of anything goes. I have to say I was surprised by the number of requests for intimate photographs, one respondent in particular made it quite clear that she is a fan of the long love dagger which was a little daunting.

I decided to oblige but of course ensured I presented myself in the best possible light. The plan was to take a picture of the requested item from above while it was on the kitchen table. I then had a master stroke, we have a number of those tiny coke cans they give out on flights in the house (about 1/3 normal size). I decided to position this next to my manhood. From above there is no way to tell it's not a normal 330ml size can and if used as a reference it's rather flattering.

I heard having a beer with the lead singer from the Levellers gets you more .

HTH

Haha

 :D

Might as well if you've already got him out I spose.

The smoke & mirrors job on the photographs seems to have done the trick.

User loulou36 seemed keen but I think it's fair to say her intimate photographs had me right on the back foot. Unkept would be an understatment I would imagine it resembled Terry Waite's allotment after his spell chained to a radiator in Beiruit. It's hard to describe the image she e-mailed me..... like a horse's collar perhaps. No doubt the result of enough love truncheon to make a bannister down the M4.
I've made no secret of the fact that I'm a novice when it comes to affairs of the heart & as such felt it wise to decline the offer of a meet.

In the world of online dating is exclusivity expected? If so I need to make some decisions pretty quickly.

I would have posted up pics / links to profiles for advice re likely candidates but was unsure if that would break forum rules.

It doesn't.

Keep up the good fight.

OK, first up a couple of warnings for fellow board members. Also I must confess that I had to lie about my age to resgister with some of these sites.

Beware user mkmiaow
[url width=90 height=90]http://pics.plentyoffish.com/thumbnails/78/55/plxaxo4530_124612887.jpg[/url]

[url width=75 height=75]http://pics.plentyoffish.com/thumbnails/78/22/fubaosmgne_117893277.jpg[/url]

[url width=75 height=75]http://pics.plentyoffish.com/thumbnails/78/42/fubaosmgne_117893355.jpg[/url]

From her profile

I was given the impression Miss Miaow's boyfriend was keen to watch as another satisfied his gf. Seemed like a sweet deal. However after a couple of telephone conversations it became apparent that Jack is wishing to particpate. He seems keen to take a trip up the tradesmans entrance & Miss Miaow is not the intended recipient. In short Jack intends to leave your arse looking like a Japanese flag.

As per reply #60 above, beware candidate louloou http://www.plentyoffish.com/member22755171.htm (http://www.plentyoffish.com/member22755171.htm) (WARNING HER PROFILE IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK)

[url width=190 height=250]http://pics.plentyoffish.com/dating/78/55/nzgpykzfvq_113352642.jpg[/url]

Best avoided, I suspect she's been shot over more times than Sarajevo, groan & grunt like a punched Lasagna.

Narrowed it down to 2.

bangtidy69
[url width=75 height=75]http://pics.plentyoffish.com/thumbnails/75/54/efumyj45h3_101148629-2.jpg[/url]

hotbexbabe
[url width=75 height=75]http://pics.plentyoffish.com/thumbnails/78/13/q4jdi2jdos_119187961.jpg[/url]

Thoughts?

Wheres your profile photo. I could be interested

Like I told Miss Miaow, I don't roll like that happy crappy.

Me too, we could "Eiffel Tower" you if you like?

I'm in

It's threads like this that restore my faith in the TEF


Top work

 :D

Agreed, whether repeatoffender is legit or not, he has made me chuckle.

Why narrow it down? Have a pop at both and then post the pictures. We all need cheering up.

We have another contender "swallowbird"
[url width=540 height=379]http://pics.plentyoffish.com/dating/78/14/wbko0diq5q_124486893.jpg[/url]

She has instructed me to meet her &


in addition I'm instructed to do this


I was worried that I wouldn't be able to take her into licensed premises as I get ID'd & knocked back.  I called her on a very poor mobile line and offered to take her out for something to eat. The line was a bit crackly, I think she want's us to go to her Uncle Dunc's restaurant.

are you going to order hairy pie

Bang her like a naughty drum


Brilliant !!!!!!!

 :clap:

Don't worry about taking any of them into licensed premises. Show your class by bringing them to the game on Saturday. You'll get plenty of privacy.

Thought I'd found myself a stunner, after much coaxing I managed to get hold of a photo.

[url width=533 height=400]http://i783.photobucket.com/albums/yy115/HAL_Photobucket/395635900.jpg[/url]














However something about the photograph bothered me, couldn't quite put my finger on it.

This morning I realised she's a younger version of Coronation Street's Hayley Cropper. If I'm honest I'm not sure if I'm disturbed or aroused by this.

[url width=200 height=200]http://images.mirror.co.uk/upl/m3/jun2007/1/8/2ED72666-F104-C2F8-6D2EECAFBC08C536.jpg[/url]

I'd do both.

Has Hayley still got a nob? She could do you....

:nod:

Your message is too cryptic for me woolster, try again but this time make it easy for me.

Looks like the Gods are smiling on me, my parents are planning to go away for the weekend a week on Friday. Which will give me free run of the house. An ideal opportunity to exploit my online dating efforts.

i see wot you did there :girlgiggle:

Not intentional, just failed to see your question apologies. Her name is Vicky & she isn't one of the intimate encounter crew. I'd rather not post her location.

As you're such a fan

[url width=352 height=667]http://i783.photobucket.com/albums/yy115/HAL_Photobucket/395635897.jpg[/url]

Turn her into an angry pirate.

Can't get her to agree to meet. I mentioned I ride a moped, things went down hill from there.

Well I'd imagine going uphill would be quite a struggle.

Thank god for urban dictionary so that I can understand your deviant ways.

:D Don't know if a Russian Torpedo is a bit much on a first date?

I never thought to check myself, but now I just did!

 :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick: :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick: :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

hahaha! I've heard of the angry pirate but never heard that, probably best saved for the second date that one

Now i know why Wovvers nickname are the pirates :D

So what's the difference between that and a space docker?


Why are you called "dave_bambers_right_sock" when your avatar clearly shows a left sock?

Picky cunt   :D Lost the other in the washing machine

Do we have an update ??

I'm not sure actually. I'll get back to you on that one.

Space docker uses a condom.

i'm sure jayo can state that with experience ;)

After much hard work I've managed to secure dates for this Friday & Saturday so I can make the most of having the house to myself while my parents are away.

The following weekend I'm down in Wiltshire with my parents and I've managed to get fixed up for Friday but so far failed for Saturday.

I've become concerened about the smoke and mirrors job on my intimate photographs and it's started to play on my mind a little. I decided the best thing to do would be to give the old bush a trim in the hope that it might make the old feller stand out a bit more & look more like the photos to the eye. To be honest I made a bit of a bollox of it & one things for sure I'm never going to make it as barber although I think visually it adds a full inch to my weapon.

I'd also decided that quantity might be the answer so managed to get hold of some viagra from one of that lads I play football with. In addition I'm off into town later in the week to pick up some new clothes, go to the tanning salon so I don't look so pastey and get a hair cut.

I now really could do with details of licensed venue in Swindon with lax ID policy, any help much appreciated.

Maybe he's really a jobsworthy copper snooping around for info on pubs.

[url width=320 height=240]http://www.ukgameshows.com/atoz/programmes/f/family_fortunes/bygraves_duhduhh.jpg[/url]

Make sure she/he has small hand it'll make yer ole chap look bigger :eek:

I watched a documentary on Toyota & their "Lean Manufacturing" principle.

It struck quite a chord & I realised that my whole online dating effort could be streamlined & made far more efficient by cutting out previous Muda.

I no longer send bespoke e-mail, instead I generated a series of template e-mails which I send instead.

The process works as follows. Classify potential candidate on a scale of 1-4 (1=shy, 4=dripping at the gusset). I then simply insert their name in the appropriate template. I have templates for 1st & 2nd follow ups also, so the effort involved now is minimal.

Have you tried talking? It's quite a simple process.

Back in my day it was the Crosskeys and Mission, both of which are long gone.

I refer you to post #71.

At  last something constructive, is there a modern version of Crosskeys / Mission in Swindon?

Jeremy Beadle had a tiny cock.

But on the other hand it's massive.

A bit out of the dating context but:

[url width=279 height=370]http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u290/matthewwilliam92/playstation.jpg[/url]

 I operated a similar system to this when i dabbled in online 'dating'....i called it a fishing list....very good it was too...but then i got fed up with it...settled down...put on weight and now couldnt do it again even if i wanted to..

This method has radically cut down the effort involved on my part but I'm afraid to say it can be problematic.

It seems a mother & daughter were using online dating sites (neither were registered on the same site & their e-mail addresses showed different surnames as the mother had divorced the daughters father and re married).

I used different e-mail addresses to contact each of them, however both addresses have a similar theme & I think this may initially have aroused their suspicion (ivor_long_sword for mother & iron_mike_python for daughter).

At some point they must have compared notes & realised they had both received identical correspondence. They challenged me on the subject & then asked me never to contact them again.

All set for the weekend, I'm afraid I had to lie about my age once again. This time to use the tanning salon which it seems runs an 18+ policy. May have over done it al little but I'm now counting the hours until Friday night and online date #1.

look forward to the update.....

Mother and daughter...that would of been a bit special!!

Was nerver a case of and, always either/or

Defeatist

Date a week on Saturday is now fixed, she's a good bit older than me (20 years) & I thought she'd run a mile when I told her I was still in my teens. However she never missed a beat & I now have dates fixed for Fri / Sat this weekend & next.

I thought I best do a bit of research on the dating scene back in the 80's so next weeks date would be comfortable.

Managed to find an 80's dating video clip online which has taught me much & I'm now confident I can pull a date with an older woman off( I think Peter Kay's Father experimented with online dating in the 80's, see 43 seconds in).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bomkgXeDkE

Best alias in ages!?

So has OP pulled or not? Blimey, I bet he reads instructions whilst engaging  :)

Where are they now?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9EBeMhKblw&feature=player_embedded

Last nights date was a total disaster.

Online date number 1 was supposed to show up at 19.30, 19.30 came and went with no sign of the female in question. Tried to call her a number of times on the mobile but got no response, also tried MSN, again no joy.

On the Viagra front I decided to take some a couple of hours before the date as I had no idea how long it took for the effect to kick in etc.My source advised me to take half a tablet only, which I did. However there seemed to be very little effect so I took the 2nd half and a further whole tablet. This was a real error, very quickly my face went bright red & my heart started to beat really quickly. Fellow board members it really is a bad idea to double drop viagra, still the intended drug effect proved a fantastic way of keeping the bed sheets off my sunburned legs.

Spent the night alone with a raging stiffy and a badly trimmed bush.

Fingers crossed that online date number 2 tonight goes better.

:D

I double dropped viagra once with my ex. It was fucking wonderful.

Cannot wait for next update?

I'd arranged a date last night with an enthusiastic member of the intimate encounter crew. She was very explicit about what she expected from the date & as this was the case I ensured I took viagra in anticipation.

Trudy showed bang on time & our natural instincts soon took over, I have to say Trudy was very vocal. Now as I've said earlier I'm a novice when it comes to affairs of the heart but the noises Trudy emitted were really very, very strange. They didn't seem to be in sync with my love making efforts at all.
I wasn't sure if she was mocking me or perhaps had fallen victim to some type of demonic possession. Afterwards I wondered for a while if I should mention this but couldn't find the words to bring the subject up without causing offense. Anyway to cut a long story short the viagra worked a treat & I was determined to get my monies worth so I just bashed on regardless and turned a deaf ear to it for the rest of the night.

This morning I was struggling to get an internet connection on my laptop. I opened network connections & scanned for available wireless connections. I'm afraid I was embarressed to learn one of my neighbours had overheard the events during the evening and had changed his modem ID to "we.can.hear.you.fucking".

I can't pinpoint which neighbour it is & so I'll have to wear a sheapish look when ever I encounter one.

Looking forward to next weekends dates in Wiltshire,really need details of a venue in Swindon with lax ID policy, any help much appreciated.

Stop it man, you're killing me!

See if you can organise a mother daughter combo...me obviously with the mother!!

I reckon we would make a great tag team!

No offence Flash but you sound like an old hand at the online dating game & I'm not sure I can do with the competition. For all I know you could be a ferocious sexual Olympian intent on allowing the micro spunk gun sporting young apprentice to do all the ground work / introductions etc, all the time planning on freezing him out at the last.

I'd hate to find myself alone downstairs, forced to listen to THE FLASH breaking in the collective family back doors in in a rampant 3 way in the En Suite. I'd take me right back to the dark dungeon and dragons days of my youth.

To be fair flash, the competition thing is a real sore point at the moment. This weekends date with my more mature lady friend is now 100% off.
When I 1st started online dating I was prepaired to listen to my opposite number drone on about the many ways their previous partners had wronged them. However this girl really took the biscuit, her ex it seems was perfect, he'd seen and done everything. If you'd been to the moon this fucker had been there and back and twice as quick.
As an example I mentioned to the girl in question that I enjoyed watching football, well no fucker watched football like her ex. According to her, her ex:

Tells Stewards to sit down during matches.

When her Ex attends away matches he rides the lead horse of the police escort to and from the train station.

Her Ex can switch on the floodlights using telekinesis.

Apparently her Ex knocked down the old Wembley stadium with a single round house kick.

It seems he has his own tankard at the pubs of the top 30 double hard firms in Britain.

If he ends up with a restricted view seat at a match the players on both teams are instructed not to kick the ball into his blind spot.

I'm afraid my patience was stretched to breaking point and I suggested we no longer talk about him. She didn't take that very well, she told me that she no longer wanted to meet & that the only shooting I'd be  doing at the weekend would be on CoD.

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

Fair play I don't come on here often, but that is the best post I have ever seen!  :Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

I'd be shitting myself, this lady appears to have formerly dated Chuck Norris. You can't handle that.

I could.

seems TEF is wall to wall with qwerty quim ninjas.

repeatoffender is like Santa

I so want him to be real, but the painful truth is that he isn't.

repeatoffender  = news rhino =  Spacey/FB/??

?

[url width=450 height=328]http://crazywithak.co.uk/images/MissingYou450.jpg[/url]

You're even more simple than I first imagined.

Congratulations.

Not so sure now.

Neither spacey not FB would be that lame. Or is it just a ploy?

It's you isn't it?

BREAKING NEWS!

repeatoffender's IP does not match any that has previously posted on the TEF before.

So, who has moved recently?

2/10

You seem very suspicious BR, I find this type of behaviour is usually caused by bad life experiences. I know a guy just like you terribly distrustful.

The poor fucker had a terrible life, multiple siblings all fathered by different men, poor kids confused as fuck on fathers day. Sadly he lost his virginity to a scout master on a camping trip, what happened to you to make you so suspicious BR?

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

If this means he's real it could well take repeatoffender above News Rhino as my current favourite poster on here.

From Santa to Hannibal Lecter!

[url width=301 height=222]http://jodygambrell.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/john_3_16.jpg[/url]

You are Jesus?

Welcome. Can you do any cool magic like Paul Daniels?

John 11:35

[url width=239 height=312]http://i100.photobucket.com/albums/m33/crazyfingers58/badass4.jpg[/url]

"I wasn't sure if she was mocking me or perhaps had fallen victim to some type of demonic possession"

I almost shat myself laughing

Quality

As my mature lady friend bombed me out for this weekend I found myself under pressure to organise a replacment date at short notice.

I've managed to do this but I'm not 100% comfortable with the arrangment I have with my new date.

I've never explored the world of role play previously and I have to say I'm a little uneasy about the whole idea. My date insists that I address her using the name Candice TacheCandy in turn she insists on referring to me as Chad Sexington.

This wasn't too bad when our dialogue was limited to e-mail, however I found this arrangment quite unerving when conversing on the telephone.

I now really need details of a local venue with lax ID policy, is there a modern day Mission / Corsskeys?

Its better than Lippshitts....curse that News Rhino!

Total nightmare of a weekend.

However I'm currently watching "Burn After Reading" on ITV 1, intresting to see online dating from a female perspective.

BTW Linda may be the mature type, but if she gets her tits done I 100% would. One hot piece of gym candy, probably seen more Japs eye than a Tokyo optician though.

:Ride On Fatbury's Lovestick:

 :clap:
fucking hilarious stuff.

Re this weekends date with Miss TacheCandy, could do with a little advice unrelated to online dating.

I arrived at Costa Coffee 10 minutes early and positioned myself by the door to ensure I saw Miss TacheCandy arrive.I’d only been there a minute when an unfamiliar looking girl introduced herself as Candice. She looked nothing like the photograph’s she sent me earlier. She explained that she didn’t post pictures of her face as she feared her online dating activity would become public knowledge (she did assure me that all the intimate photographs were really of her). She wasn’t unattractive in a too much lipstick not enough skirt kind of way and I’d come along way so I didn’t question her on the matter any further.
We shared a coffee and some small talk & she then announced that her sister was on holiday, she was actually dog sitting round at her place which was only 5 minutes walk away.It seems she had to get back to let the dog out but I was welcome to join her, the plan was to get a take out and have a drink at her sister’s place.
Back at her sisters she ordered a Chinese & told me where to find it. She instructed me to pick up a couple of bottles of Hock at the off license on the way back so I fired up the moped and set off. Got the Chinese no problem, however the bloke in the off license refused to serve me.

I decided the best solution was to loiter outside the off license and try to persuade an incoming customer to purchase the Hock on my behalf. I bottled it with the first customer & was knocked back by the following two. I realised at this point the clock was ticking & the Chinese was getting cold. Asked the fourth guy and explained my dilemma, he laughed his arse off but agreed to procure the booze on my behalf.

Arrived back at Candices sister’s place to find the place was stocked with more booze than Oddbins & Candice doing a decent job getting through it.
Had the Chinese and a bottle of larger & Candice then suggested that we retire to the lounge to watch her favourite film “dirty dancing”. The place was like a Furness even with the windows open and Candice explained the boiler was playing up.

Pretty soon she kissed me & before long we were in a state of undress. She then did everything possible to guide my head south. I have to say I was a little anxious but she promised full intercourse would follow if I obliged. I had to endure this for what seemed an eternity as Candice made glacial pace on her journey to climax, thankfully I was given verbal encouragement, instruction and constructive criticism throughout. Just about when I’d given up the will to live Candice announced my ordeal was over.
I’m sorry to report that after a week of exchanging filthy messages with Miss TacheCandy I was in a state of high excitement and the promised intercourse which followed was over pretty much before it had began. My date met this event in a sympathetic manner and hinted that we would try again soon.

I’m afraid I then fell asleep (must have been the heat in the room & the beer). I woke up an hour or so later to find myself alone. I checked the kitchen first which I found only contained the dog. I then decided to have a look upstairs, She was on the loo and had left the bathroom door open, she seemed pleased I was awake and announced with some vigour that it was time for round two.

Downstairs I readied myself for intercourse, determined to give her the rodgering she so craved. Candice however insisted that I would have to take a trip down South again first. If I was anxious first time around I was downright reluctant for second helpings. Still I thought I’d give it ago. This time however I noticed a distinct difference, it tasted different and the aroma was VERY different & all together unpleasant. I batted on admirably for a while listening to the dog whining sympathetically from the kitchen as I set to the task in hand.
I’m afraid my heart wasn’t in it this time and I started to try to formulate a mental list of things that could be worse than my current activity.

1.Spending the evening punching myself in the balls.
2.Setting fire to my hair and then attempting to beat out the flames with a hammer.
3.Inserting a biro in my eye.
4.Thrusting my genitals into a hornets’ nest.

I spent a while contemplating the pain involved when standing on an upturned plug & decided after much consideration that my current activity was indeed a less attractive prospect.


I soon realised that we’d had unprotected intercourse an hour or so earlier and my population paste deposit had festered up there in this sauna like room since.
I immediately stopped announced that I really wasn’t feeling that well & that I should really be getting back, she seemed shocked by this but put her clothes on and left me out.

As I rode back on my moped to our digsI started to go over the evenings events in my mind. Before long I had a Eureka moment, a flash back to Candice perched on the toilet earlier in the evening. I clearly remembered they way she used a wad of toilet tissue. Not a dainty pat to dry her cha-cha. While still seated & on tip toes, her hand which was stuffed full of toilet tissue submarined underneath herself & wiped from the back to front!!!!

In addition I recall an aroma which on reflection made me believe Miss TacheCandy was having a dump rather than a tinkle.
With stomach churning certainty I understood that the unpleasant second helping was not solely a result of my population paste deposit earlier in the evening.

Thankfully I was just passing a 24 hour Supermarket , I decided I needed to get in there to purchase water and mints as a matter of urgency.
Inside  I collected a bottle of water and mints and also a 6 pack of apples , I realised that I didn’t have enough money for the apples but I really couldn’t be arsed to walk out to the cash machines. The place was deserted because it was late and I was in a spot where I assumed there was no CCTV so I stuck the apples in my jacket, as I really needed the apples.
I’ve never stolen before & I’m not sure why I did then. As I left the supermarket a store detective with the worse comb over ever asked me to step back inside. He asked me if I had anything inside my jacket. I decided not to comment and to make my way towards the moped & attempt to make my escape.

Next thing I found myself surrounded by the supermarket's very own version of the CRS. As soon as reinforcements arrived king comb over the store detective was on me quicker than a tramp on a bag of chips. A bit of wrestling ensued & I’m afraid to say I blurted out some comments like a freestyling touretter which I would later regret. They managed to wrestle me into the security room & the store manager arrived and found the apples in my pocket. At this point he asked everybody else in the room to leave. He asked me if I’d been in trouble with the police before (I told him the truth, no).
The store manager told me in cases such as this they are allowed a certain level of discretion. As the value of the material stolen was negligible normally they would ask me to pay for the value of the goods and warn me about my behaviour.

However his store detective was insisting action be taken. It seems he is very sensitive about his comb over and the fact I had repeatedly called him Cadfael had upset him & he seemed determined to land me the heaviest punishment possible.
As this was the case the store manager announced that he would be issuing me with a PND & an £80 fine. Two police officers arrived & took my name, address & date of birth. I have 28 days to pay the fine & I’m now banned from the supermarket for life.

To compound matters when I left the supermarket I discovered my moped had been kicked over. I strongly suspect the culprit was Cadfael the six fingered cat bumming mong.

Can anybody advise if I now have a criminal record?

Also I’m currently applying for jobs, am I obliged to declare this on my application?

Will it show up on CRB checks?

hahahaa.best post i've ever read on here.
i fucking love it....
more more!!!!!

Why aren't you writing sitcoms?

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Superb

Great!

Legend.

Cant work out if he's a plagiarist or serial WUM ( a repeatoffender....).

Very funny though.

http://europa.servers.rbl-mer.misp.co.uk/~cardiffc/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=22470&start=30
http://oatcakefanzine.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=Miscellaneous&action=display&thread=137898&page=3
http://www.gmkonline.com/index.php/%5C%5C%5C%27mailto:[email protected]?page=forum&forum_id=7&thread_id=17914&selpage=30

Batch has rumbled the poster!! Ha ha.

Rumbled - still funny though

fucking superb, loving both of your tastes in wine, HOCK :clap:

This thread has been fucking brilliant.

Batch, I feel like you've just told me Santa Claus doesn't exist. I suspected it to be true, but part of me still wanted to believe...

Keep believing. He could be the same person on all those links retelling stories of yesterday..

Probably.

just me who finds this all incredibly dull?

It raised a smile.

I liked it at the beginning when it was more believable.

a young lad would never use the language or be worldly enough at that age to make it believable.far to advanced for a teenager for a variety of reasons.
who cares though.the last post was the best of the lot.
superb stuff.

Fucking brilliant, keep it coming.

Probably, you're not exactly famed for your cheerful attitude are you?!

I think that says more about you than anything else/

Certainly does...

Damned Batch, he should be beaten like a ginger step child for his Sherlock Holmes impression on this thread, just when repeatoffender was about to go doggin, attempt to procure a mail order bride & join a sex cult.

Apologies to Bangkok red who was the victim of an unprovocked attack by RO on this thread, totally uncalled for & his response was proof that he's a decent sort.

There are many repeatoffenders by the way, one of them is an active member of this board. He misjudged you, he made a number of prediction re the direction of this thread only 1 was correct.

Not a single PM request from board members for sight of intimate photos recieved from potential dates, which to date is a record in addition no abuse for RO over pretty much the entire thread. You really are a well behaved bunch, give yourselves a pat on the back.

Toodle pip.

 :bye: :cry:

I'm really sorry everyone.  I killed Father Christmas :(

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMBQD-rf4xo&feature=related (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMBQD-rf4xo&feature=related)

You killed Sanat, you cunt!

Sanat was ace

aaaah TEF validation at last.

I pulled on Sunday with the chat up line: 'so do'ya wanna be on my census form'. But you'll have to wait another ten years to use that one.

What's with the "Thingie" under my name then?

the other day you said you didn't have a thingie under your name.

I'd quite like a thingiemajiggy under my name

 :doh:

Bravo Sir.

He drinks Sanatagen!