Viz letters

1. Could the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on
Muslim cleric Abu Hamsa?

2. "One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in
Tanzania" says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty
pounds a
month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing b@st@rds!!!

3. How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his
multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at
my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
for the rich and another for the poor.

4. So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening"
do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.

5. They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The
last edition of High School An@l that I bought featured a young lady
stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned
out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

6. According to Nietzsche, "That which does not kill me makes me
stronger". I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of
massive
strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable
for the past 12 years.

7. It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. "Absence makes
the heart grow fonder", said my wife as she waved goodbye to me
on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown
quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the
living room
carpet this morning.

8. The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting
questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official
Tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final
score place our national champ in the world league table?

9. The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
Britain, a third of who do not even know that they have it.
Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't
told the poor sods?

10. Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey.
What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly
blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move
once. Genius!

11. With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces
soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include
a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw@t quickly
enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.

12. It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film,
but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the
pan?

13. I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia
with Jenny. She is a great sh@g. Thanks again.

14. Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection
with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo
Fighters. I
Hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid
sense of humour.

15. Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits
climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should
get some faster cars.