In today's scheduled press conference, Austrian management today confirmed that an extended talent search had discovered several potential stars of the tournament. Austrian assistant manager Conchita Wurst had this to say:
"At first I was excited to compete myself, but our scouts have been putting in some serious hard work, scouring Google and finding a wealth of talent from across our beautiful nation, after recovering from an initial giggling fit caused by finding the risky click but actually very useful website 'Wiener Models'.
There are a wide range of potential stars, and we will have some tactical decisions to make, with the TEF audience something of an unknown quantity. In the past, a team of busty milkmaids would have gone far in the tournament, but the 2016 TEF seems to regard itself as more discerning, so the qualifications for our team may have to go a little beyond DD cups shoved into a bra that really won't offer them any support at all.
Of course, submitting three beautiful but fully clothed women may draw the ire of even the most progressive poster on the TEF, so it will be a balancing act but hopefully we will have something for everyone. Except for fans of bearded women singing power ballads, as tournament chief Ells has officially banned me from competition, a decision which we will consider taking to the Court of Arbitration for Stunners if we get off to a poor start.
Also, our colours are red and white so that should help us with this electorate. We have other connections to Swindon too, with Jan Åge Fjørtoft joining the Robins from Rapid Wien and er... well, Henrik Ojamaa plays here now. If that isn't enough, it was Austria that hosted what is now known on the TEF as the 'Summer of Noughtie-Nine' pre-season tour."
