Fcuking Families (Not Literally)

[Red and Proud]

Need some help, Dear Derdrie styleeee

As mentioned my old chap goes to Kingsdown next week. My eldest at Uni not to far from here is crying off because and i quote "I have class and a careers meeting"

Now this dullard has never been to uni, however i'm sure he can get an update/notes on the lecture that he claims he'll miss and rearrange this careers meeting under the circumstances. Actually the time of the funeral is 3pm so it would only mean dipping out on an afternoon so only one of his excuses can be used.

I know full fucking well the little shit would crawl over broken glass to get here if his mums dad was going up in smoke. Mainly cause the old codger has something of value to leave him in his will. My old chap has nowt to leave me let alone him. Am i being unreasonable to feel incandecsent with anger at what i see as a feeble excuse.

I don't intend to let this lie but i want to reply in a measured way. He'll take unbridge i know but i just can't let him get away with what i see as a copout.

Thoughts please, serious ones this is a distressing enough time as it is. I've got still to do the uology this weekend as well.

[Skinny Pete]

It's all about respect. Nobody likes funerals - I blubbed like a girl every time I had to put down one of my dogs - but family needs to come together to  offer support each other at such times.

Me and my 3 brothers hardly see each other but the funeral of my old man brought us together and we even had a laugh when we all went up to York to scatter his ashes in the Ouse.

Give him a fucking rocket.

[ronnie21]

When my wife's mother went to Kingsdown her brother didn't turn up!  Her own son didn't go to his mother's funeral - and his excuse "I couldn't get there"!  He lives in Swindon and wouldn't take a bus to the Kingsdown pub or get a taxi, total tosser who has been written out of two wills within the family that I know of!

[pauld]

Understand the anger R&P but don't let that cloud your judgement. This has the makings of the kind of long-running sore that could permanently tarnish your relationship with your lad. Can you get his Mum to have a word, maybe, make him understand how much this means?

[Red and Proud]

Understand the anger R&P but don't let that cloud your judgement. This has the makings of the kind of long-running sore that could permanently tarnish your relationship with your lad. Can you get his Mum to have a word, maybe, make him understand how much this means?

No idea where she is! I think shes on holiday but not sure and TBH i'd rather he not come if it means having to kowtow to her to "have a word".

[pauld]

No idea where she is! I think shes on holiday but not sure and TBH i'd rather he not come if it means having to kowtow to her to "have a word".

Fair enough. Bear in mind then it's very easy to cause a lot of long-term harm by harsh words spoken in anger. The tone you've used to talk about him in this post (while I'm sure it may well be justified) is pretty damning and if you find yourself repeating the same kind of sentiments - that he's a moneygrabbing "little shit" etc - direct to him, you may cause a rift that can't be repaired.

[Red and Proud]

Fair enough. Bear in mind then it's very easy to cause a lot of long-term harm by harsh words spoken in anger. The tone you've used to talk about him in this post (while I'm sure it may well be justified) is pretty damning and if you find yourself repeating the same kind of sentiments - that he's a moneygrabbing "little shit" etc - direct to him, you may cause a rift that can't be repaired.

I'm not going to argue with your synopsis of the feelings i've portrayed. I have no real desire to air all the dirty laundry my family has, like most it is a huge load that persil would salivate at dealing with. That said i just need clarification of or validity of what i see as a feeble excuse.

[suttonred]

It might just be he cant deal with it, and coming out with old shite to cover up. I've done the same before when young.

[jayohaitchenn]

Tell him you need him there to support you. Whether true or not it may appeal to his vanity.

[Ardiles]

Tell him you need him there to support you. Whether true or not it may appeal to his vanity.

Best idea yet.  Doesn't stop you being straight with him about the feeble nature of his excuse.  Can't make it?!  Of course he can.  It's just a question of how badly he wants (or doesn't want) to.

Without knowing any of the ins & outs, there does seem to be something there that is making him not want to go.  Telling him that you would really like/need to have him there might swing it.

[JanTheMan]

Agree with the above. Just tell him how much it would mean. If he still won't go and can't give a valid excuse, that's a bit shit. But he'll realise his error at some point, so try not to let it create a long term problem. Good luck.

TEF personal problems page? Is Dave Barratt a town fan?

[since 75]

It's a tough call & your emotions will be all over the place at the moment. You're obviously going to want him there but need to ask yourself if it's really worth falling out about? If I learned one thing from burying both my parents it is that life really is too short.

[Nemo]

It might just be he cant deal with it, and coming out with old shite to cover up. I've done the same before when young.

This. Especially if this is the first time someone close has died, I'd be surprised if he just didn't think he could face it. My girlfriend is the same, nobody in her family has died while she's been alive and when my grandad died she couldn't face the funeral. Doesn't mean you shouldn't have a chat and ask him to come, but try and lose some of the anger, it might well be fear rather than apathy on his part.

[DMR]

Cue the inevitable abuse I get for such posts. But I can't be the only one who thought the tone of your post towards your own son was fucking appalling. If, and that is an if, that tone is indicative of your relationship then maybe it's best for all concerned if he steers clear?

[RedRag]

I had several grandparents' funerals to attend when at uni as excuses for no shows, which was a bit cheap and shallow actually and certainly immature.  You can be like that at that age, doesn't mean you'll always be a tosser. 

I now come across many family situations with members not talking to each other for decades and I think the advice to show restraint is valuable...you have to be the adult - however your son behaves and however you feel. 

At some point though it looks like your lad still needs to learn a little bit of respect for others and I wouldn't be too proud to enlist his mother to give a bit of guidance or use the idea of saying it would mean a lot to you to have his support.  If I might add, it sounds like you really need it and I hope you have others you can share those feelings with - as your lad may not be quite ready.   

You just have be strong and the captain of your own feelings.

Sorry for your loss.