The Opponent: Preston North End
How the legend of Thor began. Thor, also known as the Thunder pants, was considered to be a son of Fjorgyn (Jord) and Odin by some, but among many tribes in the poorer parts of Lancashire, Thor actually supplanted Odin as the favourite god as he enforced compulsory beard growing and the eating of Greggs sausage rolls dipped in the cheapest white cider Patel’s stocked. He is considered to be the protector of all Preston, and he wields the mighty mini hammer, his pink truncheon. His battle chariot is drawn by two giant whippets, and his violent bowel eruptions cause the lightning that flashes across the sky. Of all the deities, Thor is the most “barbarian” of the lot, hobo-like in appearance, rather smelly, boss eyed and lives by the rules laid down by his mentor, White Dee from Benefits Street. The day Thursday (Thorsdaeg) is sacred to him as it has now been his Giro day for nearly 30 years. Due to his inability to find work, the benefits agency point him in the direction of the numerous Preston Foodbanks to feed his wife Sif, daughter Thrudd and 27 stone mistress, Our Elsie, who lured Thor in with her renowned Kebab, Pigeon and Gravy Pie.
Thor was considered a good-natured, careless, simple soul, always practicing his own personal hygiene version of Ramadam, and never tired of trying his great strength, legend says that Thor once bench pressed 350kg of smack before it was distributed amongst the ‘charming’ estates of Moor Nook and Brookfield, via his Grandmother. He could shoulder giant tasks with the greatest of ease, especially with his 22” neck and he could slay bulls with his bare hands, despite having 6 fingers on one and 3 on the other. More recently, Thor proved his strength to the repressed folk of Preston by braving the great hurricane of 2014 and stupidly battled through winds that wouldn’t even blow one of his many King Size Rizla’s over. Once the Thor household managed to steal the identity of someone with a debit card (Mr A. Ademungo from Ghana in this case) they finally opened their very own Youtube account to show Thor’s powers off, but like the rest of the UK, the Prestonians worked out that Thor is simply several sandwiches short of a picnic, more of a loveable bear type creature that’s studs and leather on the exterior but more Donnay and Lonsdale on the interior. And so the Legend of Thor ends. As scary as afternoon tea at an old people’s home and as sexy as Giant Haystacks in a thong.
Where the opposition gather - http://www.pne-online.net/forum/showthread.php?85805-Swindon-Away-PubsLast 6 – WDWWDD (Currently 4th on 69 points) The last time PNE lost in the league was way back on January 11th away to Wolves.
They have served us both – Wayne Holmes. Billy Rose, Jake Jervis, Arthur Beadsworth, Marlon Broomes, Freddie Fox, Harry Lowe, Frank Becton, David Lucas, Dick Rowley, Simon Gibson, Tommy Miller, Jimmy Chalmers, Tommy Green, Leon Clarke, Fola Onibuje, Tom Bradshaw, Alan McCormack, Lee Holmes, Steve Finney, Andy Lonergan, Harry Stringfellow and PETER KIDD.
The Odds – Swindon 9/4 Draw 9/4 Preston 5/4 The bookies have very little confidence in us improving our form it seems. PNE goal machine Joe Garner leads the way scoring first at 9/2, Michael Smith around 6/1.
The Son Says – A resounding 3-0 victory, ever the optimist.
The Prediction – Amongst the doom and gloom gathering around The County Ground I still predict victory. 2-1 with goals from Smith and Nathan Byrne in front of 7’455 with 566 making the trip from up North.
And Finally – Preston has the highest density of traffic lights in The UK. I found this summary from a Preston local, it kind of sums it up nicely really. “The place is filled with aggrandising freaks, witless bozos, the smelly, the one eyed, and assorted pond life. If there was a part of the world that needed carpet bombing, this is it”.
