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Author Topic: Friday Joke  (Read 108025 times)
Talk Talk

« Reply #180 on: Friday, August 20, 2010, 20:35:17 »

Love it. Just L O V E it.

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Doore

« Reply #181 on: Friday, August 20, 2010, 20:38:29 »

I met a Jewish coffee maker this morning.  His cappucino was crap, but he brews a mean espresso.
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BANGKOK RED

« Reply #182 on: Saturday, August 21, 2010, 08:36:21 »

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.


'I vish to buy sex viz you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge £20 an hour.'

'....ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kin-KY.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kin-KY.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

'I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your Hans und knees.'

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to
her hands and knees.

'Now you vill get on your Hans und knees.'

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
'You vill please to blow zis duck kwacker as I make love to you.'

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)
She finds the sex is fantastic as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

'That was totally amazing, what the hell do you call that position?'

'Ah,' says the German . . .'zat is ze....

..

..

..

..

..

..

..




Four-sprung Duck technique.
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Peter Venkman
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« Reply #183 on: Saturday, August 21, 2010, 08:46:43 »

I was watching a porno and this girl managed to gag on the bloke's cock for up to five minutes at a time. Amazed by such a performance, I tried this with my wife and ended up killing her.

Turns out that I just have a slow internet connection.
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« Reply #184 on: Saturday, August 21, 2010, 09:06:52 »

Love it. Just L O V E it.


How effing funny was that? Genius!!!!!

On a similar film parody theme (but a little less high brow) how about this I plucked from the Guardian Website - Admiral Ackbar/John Sitton has never sounded so good.

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Talk Talk

« Reply #185 on: Sunday, August 22, 2010, 09:38:50 »

Sometimes I think that there is something seriously wrong with Japan.

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Bob's Orange
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« Reply #186 on: Monday, August 23, 2010, 12:35:52 »

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-11053202
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« Reply #187 on: Monday, August 23, 2010, 12:52:30 »

Sometimes I think that there is something seriously wrong with Japan.



The expression...'what the fuck?' was invented for that video.

Post edit....5 mins on and I find myself singing the song, in an exagerrated Japanese voice. YIkes.
« Last Edit: Monday, August 23, 2010, 12:57:28 by jimmy_onions » Logged
Panda Paws

« Reply #188 on: Monday, August 23, 2010, 13:01:07 »


Tim Vine is an absolute hero
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« Reply #189 on: Monday, August 23, 2010, 13:04:19 »

Tim Vine is an absolute hero

I went to see him at the Edinburgh festival a few years back doing his 'Current Puns' show. Was very funny.
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we've been to Aberdeen, we hate the Hibs, they make us spew up, so make some noise,
the gorgie boys, for Hearts in Europe.
Ginginho

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« Reply #190 on: Monday, August 23, 2010, 13:05:52 »

On the Japanese fucked up theme, this is quite old but still makes me chortle.

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« Reply #191 on: Monday, August 23, 2010, 17:02:01 »

The little old lady in our Street was 101 yesterday....for the last 18 years she has lovingly cooked me a fresh white loaf of bread each day..this morning Brown Bread.
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Talk Talk

« Reply #192 on: Wednesday, August 25, 2010, 19:05:41 »

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. The wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
 
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
 
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
 
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
 
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
 
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
 
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
 
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
 
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
 
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
 
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
 
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'

'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
 
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
 
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
 
'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.   I'd do the same for you!'
 
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
 
The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
 
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
 
'No Kidding,' he said. 'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'
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« Reply #193 on: Wednesday, August 25, 2010, 19:12:26 »

Had all my teeth taken out at the dentist this morning..never again.
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« Reply #194 on: Wednesday, August 25, 2010, 19:39:28 »

Paddy is very upset, his dad has just died and he is crying his eyes out.  The phone goes and Paddy starts crying even louder and screaming.  His mate asked him what had happened now, "That was my sister, her dad has died as well!"
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