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Author Topic: Friday Joke  (Read 40285 times)
Ginginho


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« Reply #300 on: Thursday, January 13, 2011, 09:22:13 »

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.


Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

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Ginginho


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« Reply #301 on: Thursday, January 13, 2011, 10:26:14 »

Prince Charles was visiting a factory in Thistlethorpe.
He was being shown around by the factory manager, and he couldn't help but notice that Prince Charles
was wearing a massive fur hat.
It was a boiling hot day in August, sweat was beading down his face, yet he had a huge fur hat on.
Anyway, he just ignored it and carried on as normal.

After about 2 hours or so the factory tour was over and Prince Charles opened the floor to some questions.

One of the factory cleaners piped up "Excuse me, Your Royal Highness, but why are you wearing a big fur hat when it's so hot out?"

"Well" exclaimed Prince Charles "One was with mother today, and she asked me what ones plans were for the day"
"I told her that I was visiting a factory in Thistlethorpe.
With which she replied:"

"Where the fox hat!?"
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Craigo276

« Reply #302 on: Thursday, January 13, 2011, 10:35:15 »

I went to the library yesterday and asked for a book on Ricky Ponting.

The librarian told me it was already out
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leefer


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« Reply #303 on: Saturday, January 15, 2011, 10:36:45 »

A good friend has just found a match for a bone marrow transplant....all the way in Argentina.

So a big thank you to Diego Marrow Doner.
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Saxondale


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« Reply #304 on: Saturday, January 15, 2011, 11:30:15 »

I got an email saying bored housewife wants some hot action

I sent her my ironing.
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König


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« Reply #305 on: Saturday, May 7, 2011, 14:22:40 »

There was an englishman, an irishman and a scotsman all walking through the country in england. Upon their journey they came across a genie who said he would grant them all one wish. The irishman was the first to get his wish, he said 'i wish that all my fellow irishmen were back with me in ireland, and everyone has what they want and everyone is happy' So the genie granted his wish and the irishman was back in ireland with all his fellow irish men.

Then it was the scotsmans turn, he said ' i wish that all my fellow scotsmen were back with me in bonny scotland, and everyone is happy and has what they want' So the genie clicked his fingers and the scotsman and all his fellow scotsmen were back in scotland.

Then it was the englishmans turn to make a wish. he said 'you mean all the irish and all the scots are out of england? well, ill just have a can of coke then!'

boom boom
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Ginginho


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« Reply #306 on: Friday, May 13, 2011, 15:15:03 »

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead beatle for the last thirty years.


I got sacked last night from serving in the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful  bleeders, all I said was, 'Hurry up for fucks sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'


Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!


Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'


Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham.


In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry OK?' I said, 'Go on then, just one song then fuck off.'


I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'


Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'The sign says, insert £2 and push knob in'.

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Peter Venkman


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« Reply #307 on: Friday, May 13, 2011, 16:35:33 »

A Jewish man has opened a convenience store in our village. I walked in and said, "There's a sign in your window that says, 'Bottles of wine - BOGO'. I think you're missng an 'F' at the end."
He said, "No I'm not."


I started my new job in a beauty salon this morning, and spent an hour this afternoon waxing women's fannys.
But I had to hurry and get back to cleaning the bogs before the beautician got back from her lunch break.


A welshman has reportedly been attacked by a wild animal whilst having sex.
Apparently it was a wolf in sheep's clothing.


Daffy duck, on a dirty weekend calls the hotel reception and asks for a condom.
The receptionist says: shall I put it on your bill?
Daffy replies: don't be thucking thupid I'd thufficate!
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Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them
Processed Beats


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« Reply #308 on: Saturday, May 14, 2011, 13:48:55 »

Tenerife ... I won't beheading there in a hurry.
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König


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« Reply #309 on: Sunday, May 15, 2011, 23:37:51 »

I did your mum like an Sn2 reaction and came from behind.
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@MacPhlea


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« Reply #310 on: Monday, May 16, 2011, 06:52:31 »

Mickey and Mini Mouse are awaiting the judges decision on a divorce hearing brought by mickey.  The judge leans I've to Mickey and says "Mr Mouse, having considered the views of both sides I have come to the conclusion that your wife has suffered years of verbal abuse and suffering at the hands of a bully. Throughout this hearing you have repeatedly confirmed my opinion in your harsh description of your wife's looks. As a result Mr Mouse I find that your request for divorce on the grounds that your wife has buck teeth wholly unreasonable.

Mickey turns to the judge in utter disbelief and says "I didn't say she had buck teeth I said she was fucking goofy!"
« Last Edit: Monday, May 16, 2011, 06:55:44 by triseros » Logged
Flashheart


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« Reply #311 on: Tuesday, May 17, 2011, 19:42:53 »

Muslim women have a new social networking site

Book

--------------------------------------------------

So a woman drives into a bar...

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Freddies Ferret

« Reply #312 on: Tuesday, May 17, 2011, 20:20:17 »

Tenerife ... I won't beheading there in a hurry.

this made me laugh....well done
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Processed Beats


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« Reply #313 on: Tuesday, May 17, 2011, 20:49:06 »

Has anyone tried Welsh wine? Nobody bottles it like Cardiff!
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Processed Beats


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« Reply #314 on: Tuesday, May 17, 2011, 21:42:36 »

I'm not a suspicious person, but my 17 year old son has just told me he's going to Bangkok for his holiday.

If thats the case, then why does he have coach tickets to Brighton?
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