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Author Topic: Friday Joke  (Read 108064 times)
Sippo
Living in the 80s

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I ain't gettin on no plane fool




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« Reply #270 on: Friday, November 5, 2010, 08:19:41 »

My favourite text message to send to the missus when I'm at the pub: "I'll be there in 5 minutes... If not.....read this again."

I have been working in a mirror factory for years now. It's what I've always seen myself doing....

I hate PC World.
Or Britain, as some people call it.

I think I'm going to order a load of bubble wrap just to see what it's delivered in....

Watching Jamie Oliver cooking sea bass with lemon and parsley really inspired me to go and create a fishfinger sandwich with tomato sauce.

I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

There's good news for terminal cancer patients...
The clocks went back this weekend so that's an extra hour....

My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts.
Turns out it was just her knees.

I was minding my own business in the pub last night when a man came over to me and said, "You look like a poof."
I was so outraged I immediately challenged him to a dance off.

I saw CountDown yesterday.
He's Dracula's spastic brother.

At a recent job interview:
What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?
Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.
And your strengths?
I'm Batman.
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If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you're gonna see some serious shit...
Saxondale

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« Reply #271 on: Friday, November 5, 2010, 10:05:20 »

Santa says to an elf
Im getting tired of this, every year I put on this red outfit do all the work myself and end up with nothing looking like a twat
The elf replies
Now you know how Charlie Austin feels.

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Never knowingly overstated.
Peter Venkman
We don't need no stinking badges.

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Posts: 58869


Back Off Man, I’m A Scientist.



« Reply #272 on: Friday, November 5, 2010, 10:07:13 »

My wife was very impressed yesterday when I did "the helicopter" with my cock.

She was less impressed when I did "the chinook" with her labia.
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Only a fool does not know when to hold his tongue.
Saxondale

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« Reply #273 on: Friday, November 19, 2010, 15:40:38 »

Why does everyone hate Audley Harrison?
It's not as if he has ever hurt anyone.


My racing snail was not winning races
any more, so I decided to remove his shell
to make him more aerodynamic.

It didn't work. If anything
it made him more sluggish.
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Never knowingly overstated.
Samdy Gray
Dirty sneaky traitor weasel

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« Reply #274 on: Thursday, November 25, 2010, 20:11:58 »

What do Kate Middleton and Dodi Al Fayed have in common?

They've both had their finger in Diana's ring.
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Bogus Dave
Ate my own dick

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« Reply #275 on: Sunday, November 28, 2010, 19:13:11 »

Was at the cash point earlier, an old lady asked me to check her balance.

So i pushed her over
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Things get better but they never get good
swindonbob

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« Reply #276 on: Sunday, November 28, 2010, 19:50:16 »

My favourite text message to send to the missus when I'm at the pub: "I'll be there in 5 minutes... If not.....read this again."

I have been working in a mirror factory for years now. It's what I've always seen myself doing....

I hate PC World.
Or Britain, as some people call it.

I think I'm going to order a load of bubble wrap just to see what it's delivered in....

Watching Jamie Oliver cooking sea bass with lemon and parsley really inspired me to go and create a fishfinger sandwich with tomato sauce.

I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

There's good news for terminal cancer patients...
The clocks went back this weekend so that's an extra hour....

My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts.
Turns out it was just her knees.

I was minding my own business in the pub last night when a man came over to me and said, "You look like a poof."
I was so outraged I immediately challenged him to a dance off.

I saw CountDown yesterday.
He's Dracula's spastic brother.

At a recent job interview:
What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?
Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.
And your strengths?
I'm Batman.

No credit to Sickipedia whatsoever.
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aptain Cabinet, trapped in a cabinet, can he get out? will he get out? course he can.
Bogus Dave
Ate my own dick

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« Reply #277 on: Monday, November 29, 2010, 22:22:14 »

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "why the long face?". The horse replies "My wife is dying of terminal cancer."

What's red and smells of blue paint?
Red paint.

Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

How do you confuse a blonde?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing
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Things get better but they never get good
Simon Pieman
Original Wanker

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Posts: 36317




« Reply #278 on: Monday, November 29, 2010, 23:03:33 »

What do you call a ginger who's phone rings on a Saturday night?
Shocked.

It's also unfair how gingers only get two lifelines on Who Wants to be a Millionaire.


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Bogus Dave
Ate my own dick

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« Reply #279 on: Monday, November 29, 2010, 23:20:24 »

A young couple just gave birth to their first child and the doctor says, I’ve good some good news and some bad news, what do you want first?

Give us the bad news first, the parents reply.

Your baby has red hair, says the doctor.

Well whats the good news ask the parents.

It’s dead.
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Things get better but they never get good
Processed Beats

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I drop beats from this processed meat.




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« Reply #280 on: Tuesday, November 30, 2010, 07:35:46 »

My Nan walked in on me wanking the other day and had a stroke ...


She's got lovely soft hands.
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Sippo
Living in the 80s

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Posts: 15582


I ain't gettin on no plane fool




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« Reply #281 on: Tuesday, November 30, 2010, 09:12:37 »

My racing snail had stopped winning races so I thought if I removed it's shell it would make it lighter and more aerodynamic.
But, if anything it just made it more sluggish.
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If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you're gonna see some serious shit...
reeves4england

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We'll never die!




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« Reply #282 on: Tuesday, November 30, 2010, 10:51:46 »

My racing snail had stopped winning races so I thought if I removed it's shell it would make it lighter and more aerodynamic.
But, if anything it just made it more sluggish.
That one was already posted on this very page
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Saxondale

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Posts: 6386





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« Reply #283 on: Friday, December 3, 2010, 15:01:48 »

Bernard Mathews got cremated today, gas mark 5, 4 hours.
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Never knowingly overstated.
land_of_bo

« Reply #284 on: Friday, December 3, 2010, 15:15:12 »

FIFA
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